CHAPTER XVIII

XVIII

It was wise of Kornel to make me stop that day. The night after, my yearning for resuming what I had interrupted the day before didn’t allow me to sleep properly. Luckily, the fact of having been exposed to incense helped me relax that eagerness that had invaded the serenity I had gained during those few days at Pompeii. Nevertheless, I had to admit that my budding instability was due to that menacing-?- sprout of physical pleasure which would fulfil me whenever those odorous, almost mind-blurring clouds thoroughly bathed my naked skin... no, no, I couldn’t... I knew that this treasured sensuousness which I firmly kept hidden had begotten that thing I really desired. Trying to control myself as much as I could, I finally succeeded in stopping this strong feeling inside without losing that quietness the smoke had generated within myself, keeping my pulse unaltered. No, I couldn’t let myself be carried away, spoiling this unique chance to overcome those barriers which would certainly lead me to a definitive...

–Calpurnia, do remember that, when you swallow the brewing I told you about, you must SEE how it flows through the deepest part of your body, nourishing and merging into those knots of bright life force throughout your own self. Keep this in mind whenever you work with the ointment.

How could I submit the fear to let myself be driven inside that turbulence which was opening up before my eyes while I was pushing the bronze masher against the mashed grains of several kinds of resins? I was aware I could get strayed.... something unavoidable... Yes, notwithstanding it all, I made an effort to keep my thoughts controlled while watching that terse hand on the verge of disappearing within that resinous, amber-like tide which was becoming a whirlwind, like those ruby, sunset-like waves that I had very often seen spring up, ravishing my lower belly, turning into golden blasts through my waist, filling my breasts with mild, subtle green life, the same one that runs through the grass and the hearts of the trees, turning into that turquoise force that enlivens the tide around my mouth and then growing into that indigo energy which is reflected in those nights at Cumae and Pompeii. Was that mauve twilight-like force absorbing my consciousness, swallowing it into a spiral tunnel which was dragging me in? No, i still felt how my hand was squeezing that dough, now softer and softer, and could notice that Kornel was near. Perhaps it was this tumultuous life flow that I had watched inside myself the same as that one which nourished dusks, oceans, the heartbeat of the groves..... my own sensuousness? Maybe some sort of embracing , tapestry-like forest in the deep of the earth? Was it there where earthly fruitfulness really lay? The same one that, being given the name of Juno, Diana, Artemis, Flora, Pomona, Tellus, Artarte, Isis...or the Great Mother of the Gallic people, had been invoked since remote ages? Some sort of drive coming from my belly ascended through my throat, almost summoning that force, desperately praying that I could join her fertility, merging into it, making myself fruitful in some intangible timeless way, beyond transmitting my blood to someone who might never do it....Why should this thought have come to me for the first time in my life?

I awaited...Some empty misty silence remained inside of me. Why, life-arousing force, don’t you answer me, now that I really need it? Is this my fate, my lady –if I should call you like this – that you must be so merciless to me, keeping both my body and life barren? Let me then merge inside you, get lost within your womb, no more Calpurnia, the Great Roman’s absurd little wife; let me be a part of you, melted within that flow of which you are a part, with no identity or individuality of my own . Perhaps I wasn’t even born to have it. Let me, then, keep a bit of dignity....

I remained merged within that kind of prayer. Some sort of wet frozen trembling pierced that place where my body wasn’t anymore...Kornel? Cornelia...? Maybe somehow blurred presences, some sort of energy that, nevertheless, i perceived next to mine. What was that which felt so tangible? Tangible...? All that life force coming from dawn and sunset, leaves, enlivening forces which nourishes trees and some other aspects of life... So dense, concentrated, as if condensing inside a universe of countless, crystal–like particles, merging into waves which filled every pore of my being, my breasts and womb, making them feel fulfilled and hopeful after such a long time. I tried to breathe among thankful intangible tears. Mother... I knew you would listen to me.

I beheld what was rising up before my eyes, as if I were expecting to see that fruitful force spring up, embracing me, cuddling me inside, just like taking me back to that time when I was only some growing sprout of life, within that warm dark womb which now lay lost somewhere within the Great Mother.

“Calpurnia, do tell me... What’s there, up above, beyond where you are?”

It might be the echo of Kornel’s voice, reverberating through that beating barren stony womb...Rocky and fertile....The Great mother of the Crescent.... the Lady of the Apples...

“Ishtar…Astarte...Queen of the sea that caresses your feet... open up the paths in my mind... Cleanse them from anything that can ruin its being fertilized with the seed that will make me fruitful through your light …Do not forsake me....”

That beating salty roaring of the milky sea foam on that green-streaked blue was invading my nostrils in front of that marble and colonnade which gave way to the cella where Venus Marina watched over the entrance of Astarte-ruled subterranean cave. Wet sunshine got hold of my skin, making me stagger dizzily, feeling that subtle salty scent which sea breeze was blowing al over my arms and face.

“Mother...Kornel...” This could have been my own voice, physical and painful, but I decided to let my thoughts express my feelings. Anyway, what was the use of speaking there, away from everyone? That lonely feeling, however, had nothing to do with helplessness. Maybe because I wasn’t really aware of what was happening. I just sat down on those rock-carved stairs, feeling my thighs scratched. I fixed my gaze on that coast in front of me, tinged with some blinding, sparkling bluish mist in which I could make out what could be Roman-like domi and even the profile of a theatre on the other side of a sea stretch where dull green mixed with tiny golden streaks that I closely watched, trying to find some answer through those golden-green serpent-like streams. No, despite that drive urging me to do it, I could not enter there…where that subtle ethereal body which was a part of me had just slipped in.... and where I knew that that all that primeval life growing below, buried under that solid-looking cave where the Great Goddess would brighten up the sailing of the ships at night, transfigured into all the faces of that vital pulse, beating down below in that womb which was veiled by the Virgin Mother, all of it generated by the same light which, dense and crystal-like, sprang up in the deep….The same one that would nourish those ethereal living forces which one day begot the bearers of the Occult Wisdom.... Likewise, I was aware that these dwelt up there, beyond what is tangible, suspended on our existence....

No, I was forbidden to go farther from that colonnade which protected Venus’ cella. I was climbing up that hill side, beyond the temple, walking past those large vineyards around it, approaching what must be houses, so different from our domi, built with that porous ochre-coloured local rock, consisting of two storeys, one of which seemed to be devoted to the storage of goods. I couldn’t notice anyone else’s around-at least, initially. A little farther, mixed up with those buildings, I found Roman domi, whose front side was very like those on Palatine Hill. Only that these were built with salt-drenched, shell-decked stone. There were only a few remarkable ones due to their marble-covered columns at the entrance, like that one with red columns on the stairs which kept the threshold off the earthy street, utterly different from those carefully paved in Rome. Why should it have reminded me of the description that Balbus once made us of his family home, in which that wealthy man still lived, despite the fact of being the one who had promoted the new town in front of the island where he had been born and raised? As I was ascending, I was growing more and more aware that something was changing: I recognized the same kind of bustling I had noticed in Pompeii, that of vendors with their stalls around the harbour and slaves carrying their merchandise into Roman-built ships. There were also many vessels which were very different from ours and could belong to those fellows, not Roman-looking at all, who were hurrying their serfs onwards. I didn´t think of imprudently going ahead and wandering all alone around that place where a large sea stretch reached the earth, expanding itself into a bay which embraced a numberless amount of vessels, rocked by Western wind, amidst that dazzling transparent blue mists. On both extremes of that bay there stood two imposing solid buildings, out of which some kind of unknown subtle force seemed to flow, making them look like...temples? Temples....Long before the Romans’ arrival, places where that intense eerie force which runs through the bosom of the Earth, gets condensed and, mixed up with incense, perfume, oblations and prayer generate some sort of unseen magnetic mists that keep the place apart from everywhere else, drawing those who stay here closer to those who inhabit an intangible world which, nevertheless, almost touches the Earth. I walked onwards along that long stretch which kept the temple far from its surroundings, among the groups of people who were holding their offerings. Then, amidst midday damp heat, feeling my mind swinging between what was going around me and this self of mine, which stood here, far beyond my own physical body, when all that living force beating around me seemed to get condensed, materialized, embodied....

“It’s not here where you must go.... “

Some kind of non-bodily shivering invaded my subtlest, most intangible channels within my being.

“This is a secret space....” “Not for you, Calpurnia.....”

Not for me... I turned round without any deeper considerations about what was yet to come. I went downwards, leaving it all behind: the harbour and all that bustling of sailors, tradesmen and serfs toiling around, unaware of my presence. I also walked past the house that looked like Balbus’, feeling my feet scratched and covered with sand. I couldn´t go downstairs and washed them in sea water... I would do it later... There were no priests or wardens guarding the entrance. But all of it seemed so strangely obvious to me... As obvious as that virgin fertile force of the earth or that occult wise energy springing out of the foam which washed the stairs down below...

“Mother...Sibyl...”

This was some kind of fruitful dark force, this which was rising up violently... Isis... perhaps the black earth from the East was showing here all its fruitful strength. That pregnant, dark adolescent-like belly, on which a...serpent?...seemed to crawl.... and whose disdain for me was no more than the reflection of those strange cat-like eyes, showing off her pregnancy before me at the pace of an unknown sort of laughter, flowing like a river, showing many kinds of shades, each of which was a jeering conjuring against me…Was that your shadow, hanging over that womb? I knelt down breathless, trying to control my suffocating heartbeat, which was choking my throat. Yes, I could see it crystal-clear...It was your glory: your manly pride had got finally satisfied. Some anguishing heat seemed to come from the bottom.. One female uncanny force, motherly and vigorous, warring and crimson, might be swallowing it all into a blazing outburst. That smothering gave way to some thunder-like yelling... Could it be that Jupiter’s temples had caught fire again? Were they flames through your body or was it your own blood pouring out of each of your skin pores, nourishing, purifying a swarm of beings gathering around you?

“No, Mother.... No.... do not put me to this test”

Was it that alien dark lap, the place where your shadow kept mercilessly spilling your life or maybe that of my own, as purple-soaked as yours, tearing up, melting away at the feet of that statue...

“Mother...Sibyl... do away with my absurd barren life right now...Is this the reason why you have driven me here? Yes, do unveil your face... Speak out clearly, be brutally cruel...”

Both my sight and whole being were merging into a wave of salty wet sublimated blood....