CHAPTER XIX

XIX

-Isis…of course, Isis. Or Astarte, that’s the same thing. Fertile dark earth …Kehme… The reincarnated Goddess…The kings who descend from their gods and divinized kings like those we will have one day, Calpurnia. One of them could be your husband, whether he may like it or not. Or someone from his offspring, since it seems there won’t come any heir…from your blood. Once there was another illustrious Roman who didn’t have the chance to leave a proper successor simply because he decided to respect the Republic’s survival and, consequently, he refused to become a Roman king. There will come a time, Calpurnia, when your husband or whoever might succeed him will keep up the appearance of old Rome with all its magistrates, including the consuls, and they will even try to restore the old values which are based on family and sobriety. But the terrible truth of all this is that they will become the real new kings, no matter how soundly they might deny it publicly. They will even marry those who could be said to be incarnated deities and, therefore, mix their bloods. So much better if this could also mean annexing provinces which may be quite tempting for Rome…Are you blinking , my little one…?I can see you truly understand what’s going on. It’s no use shedding these tears which could hinder any assertive behaviour. I mean, to avoid your husband from being interested in anything related to Egypt….and that, at all costs, you may achieve some kind of metamorphose that will allow you to develop some qualities and skills to shadow a likely female rival which is wise and extremely cunning, gifted with some wisdom which lies even beyond what we call hidden lore … and some kind of ruthlessness and amorality which we couldn’t imagine in a Roman matron. I know what I’m talking about, since I met Mitridates myself – He was just an example of what Oriental monarchies are like. The only chance you could have is to try a final solution which wouldn’t be perfect, either. What’s more, it would take some long-term training to which not every woman is suitable. Though you, Calpurnia, are so different, due to your nature and what you have shown me since I met you… I warn you it requires a long time but the results may fulfil your wishes much more than using other methods. Apart from this, regarding that vision of your husband pouring blood all over, do not worry. According to what I have been able to decipher, the only likely danger for him is to stay here in Rome. I insist that he mustn’t be a bit carefree regarding his protection when he comes back. He should have his lictores near all the time and even hire an additional guarding body. Nevertheless, Calpurnia , if you’re really willing to it, from tomorrow you can start your own training by massaging your body with the ointment you have made yourself, working mainly on those points where force is most condensed and concentrating your thinking in natural living forces, which you will invoke meanwhile….

Yes, but, against what Kornel and Cornelia were trying to make me see I knew that, for the first time, I had been on the verge of ….my own end? As I happened to learn later on, such a vivid tangible experience had been the result of an excessively risky projection that I hadn’t been able to control, unlike any previous occasions. My own initiative had even been reduced. The only thing I could do was to hold on to that hope Kornel was offering me without any consideration on the ambiguous outcome it all might bring about. Nevertheless, he seemed sincerely pleased and even puzzled all those well-defined visions I had had.

–You can’t have the same visualizing capacity of sibyls and Gaul priestesses. It’s something that you cannot force but it will get to you unexpectedly, as if in a dream… Anyway, I advise you to constantly watch each of your thoughts even while you’re asleep .Nevertheless, in the name of all the Gods, do not obsess yourself…. It could be the most harmful thing for you….

But how would I control that? Why had he so recklessly warned me that? His contradictory behaviour was beginning to alarm me… Was I beginning to be aware that I had been the only one to take such a foolish risk, whose extent I had not seen until then? Would this be my real fate, my final repudiation from society as I was not suitable to play the role I had been given? Not matching up to either my husband or my own natural family, who would admit I was being loyal to Rome? I then decided to face the consequences from that moment and accept whatever thing that might happen to me as some kind of…penalty? for all of that. Nevertheless, I decided not to say anything to Kornel: he wouldn’t understand me. Though having been raised and grown up as a Roman citizen, he had been living in a world of his own too long. Furthermore, what was coming through my thoughts might not be fitful for him. I was aware he had some kind of personal interest in all this. Just as I had also realized that both Cornelia and he shared common benefits relating the trade of spiced wines for specific uses. No doubt that the old -?- Roman was a sort of intermediary with Gades citizens, though living retired inside Venus Marina’s temple. Something similar to Blodwynn’s role in Gaul and Britannia. Nevertheless, his deep interest in my marital stability made me notice that he was aiming at something further. This cast a shadow over my mood.

–There will come a woman whose blood will be both Julian…. and ours, yours and mine… Like you, Calpurnia, she will be able to avoid, through a dream, that a great man, a wise holy man from a Roman province –though not a citizen- may be sentenced to a shameful death…. That man….perhaps touched by our ancient Dis Pater….will change the face o our world, Calpurnia.…No, he will not be a king…. However, he will be accused of proclaiming himself as such and, thus, defying Rome.

Did he also have prophetical dreams? So many years of being trained there would certainly have made it possible. However, it was the idea itself, beyond Kornel’s overdeveloped capacities, what bewildered me, maybe overwhelmed by what this could mean. Gods, gods…. What would it be like, the last resource to avert this fate that seemed to collapse onto this barren, dry, lonely cloistered life….?

CHAPTER XVIII

XVIII

It was wise of Kornel to make me stop that day. The night after, my yearning for resuming what I had interrupted the day before didn’t allow me to sleep properly. Luckily, the fact of having been exposed to incense helped me relax that eagerness that had invaded the serenity I had gained during those few days at Pompeii. Nevertheless, I had to admit that my budding instability was due to that menacing-?- sprout of physical pleasure which would fulfil me whenever those odorous, almost mind-blurring clouds thoroughly bathed my naked skin... no, no, I couldn’t... I knew that this treasured sensuousness which I firmly kept hidden had begotten that thing I really desired. Trying to control myself as much as I could, I finally succeeded in stopping this strong feeling inside without losing that quietness the smoke had generated within myself, keeping my pulse unaltered. No, I couldn’t let myself be carried away, spoiling this unique chance to overcome those barriers which would certainly lead me to a definitive...

–Calpurnia, do remember that, when you swallow the brewing I told you about, you must SEE how it flows through the deepest part of your body, nourishing and merging into those knots of bright life force throughout your own self. Keep this in mind whenever you work with the ointment.

How could I submit the fear to let myself be driven inside that turbulence which was opening up before my eyes while I was pushing the bronze masher against the mashed grains of several kinds of resins? I was aware I could get strayed.... something unavoidable... Yes, notwithstanding it all, I made an effort to keep my thoughts controlled while watching that terse hand on the verge of disappearing within that resinous, amber-like tide which was becoming a whirlwind, like those ruby, sunset-like waves that I had very often seen spring up, ravishing my lower belly, turning into golden blasts through my waist, filling my breasts with mild, subtle green life, the same one that runs through the grass and the hearts of the trees, turning into that turquoise force that enlivens the tide around my mouth and then growing into that indigo energy which is reflected in those nights at Cumae and Pompeii. Was that mauve twilight-like force absorbing my consciousness, swallowing it into a spiral tunnel which was dragging me in? No, i still felt how my hand was squeezing that dough, now softer and softer, and could notice that Kornel was near. Perhaps it was this tumultuous life flow that I had watched inside myself the same as that one which nourished dusks, oceans, the heartbeat of the groves..... my own sensuousness? Maybe some sort of embracing , tapestry-like forest in the deep of the earth? Was it there where earthly fruitfulness really lay? The same one that, being given the name of Juno, Diana, Artemis, Flora, Pomona, Tellus, Artarte, Isis...or the Great Mother of the Gallic people, had been invoked since remote ages? Some sort of drive coming from my belly ascended through my throat, almost summoning that force, desperately praying that I could join her fertility, merging into it, making myself fruitful in some intangible timeless way, beyond transmitting my blood to someone who might never do it....Why should this thought have come to me for the first time in my life?

I awaited...Some empty misty silence remained inside of me. Why, life-arousing force, don’t you answer me, now that I really need it? Is this my fate, my lady –if I should call you like this – that you must be so merciless to me, keeping both my body and life barren? Let me then merge inside you, get lost within your womb, no more Calpurnia, the Great Roman’s absurd little wife; let me be a part of you, melted within that flow of which you are a part, with no identity or individuality of my own . Perhaps I wasn’t even born to have it. Let me, then, keep a bit of dignity....

I remained merged within that kind of prayer. Some sort of wet frozen trembling pierced that place where my body wasn’t anymore...Kornel? Cornelia...? Maybe somehow blurred presences, some sort of energy that, nevertheless, i perceived next to mine. What was that which felt so tangible? Tangible...? All that life force coming from dawn and sunset, leaves, enlivening forces which nourishes trees and some other aspects of life... So dense, concentrated, as if condensing inside a universe of countless, crystal–like particles, merging into waves which filled every pore of my being, my breasts and womb, making them feel fulfilled and hopeful after such a long time. I tried to breathe among thankful intangible tears. Mother... I knew you would listen to me.

I beheld what was rising up before my eyes, as if I were expecting to see that fruitful force spring up, embracing me, cuddling me inside, just like taking me back to that time when I was only some growing sprout of life, within that warm dark womb which now lay lost somewhere within the Great Mother.

“Calpurnia, do tell me... What’s there, up above, beyond where you are?”

It might be the echo of Kornel’s voice, reverberating through that beating barren stony womb...Rocky and fertile....The Great mother of the Crescent.... the Lady of the Apples...

“Ishtar…Astarte...Queen of the sea that caresses your feet... open up the paths in my mind... Cleanse them from anything that can ruin its being fertilized with the seed that will make me fruitful through your light …Do not forsake me....”

That beating salty roaring of the milky sea foam on that green-streaked blue was invading my nostrils in front of that marble and colonnade which gave way to the cella where Venus Marina watched over the entrance of Astarte-ruled subterranean cave. Wet sunshine got hold of my skin, making me stagger dizzily, feeling that subtle salty scent which sea breeze was blowing al over my arms and face.

“Mother...Kornel...” This could have been my own voice, physical and painful, but I decided to let my thoughts express my feelings. Anyway, what was the use of speaking there, away from everyone? That lonely feeling, however, had nothing to do with helplessness. Maybe because I wasn’t really aware of what was happening. I just sat down on those rock-carved stairs, feeling my thighs scratched. I fixed my gaze on that coast in front of me, tinged with some blinding, sparkling bluish mist in which I could make out what could be Roman-like domi and even the profile of a theatre on the other side of a sea stretch where dull green mixed with tiny golden streaks that I closely watched, trying to find some answer through those golden-green serpent-like streams. No, despite that drive urging me to do it, I could not enter there…where that subtle ethereal body which was a part of me had just slipped in.... and where I knew that that all that primeval life growing below, buried under that solid-looking cave where the Great Goddess would brighten up the sailing of the ships at night, transfigured into all the faces of that vital pulse, beating down below in that womb which was veiled by the Virgin Mother, all of it generated by the same light which, dense and crystal-like, sprang up in the deep….The same one that would nourish those ethereal living forces which one day begot the bearers of the Occult Wisdom.... Likewise, I was aware that these dwelt up there, beyond what is tangible, suspended on our existence....

No, I was forbidden to go farther from that colonnade which protected Venus’ cella. I was climbing up that hill side, beyond the temple, walking past those large vineyards around it, approaching what must be houses, so different from our domi, built with that porous ochre-coloured local rock, consisting of two storeys, one of which seemed to be devoted to the storage of goods. I couldn’t notice anyone else’s around-at least, initially. A little farther, mixed up with those buildings, I found Roman domi, whose front side was very like those on Palatine Hill. Only that these were built with salt-drenched, shell-decked stone. There were only a few remarkable ones due to their marble-covered columns at the entrance, like that one with red columns on the stairs which kept the threshold off the earthy street, utterly different from those carefully paved in Rome. Why should it have reminded me of the description that Balbus once made us of his family home, in which that wealthy man still lived, despite the fact of being the one who had promoted the new town in front of the island where he had been born and raised? As I was ascending, I was growing more and more aware that something was changing: I recognized the same kind of bustling I had noticed in Pompeii, that of vendors with their stalls around the harbour and slaves carrying their merchandise into Roman-built ships. There were also many vessels which were very different from ours and could belong to those fellows, not Roman-looking at all, who were hurrying their serfs onwards. I didn´t think of imprudently going ahead and wandering all alone around that place where a large sea stretch reached the earth, expanding itself into a bay which embraced a numberless amount of vessels, rocked by Western wind, amidst that dazzling transparent blue mists. On both extremes of that bay there stood two imposing solid buildings, out of which some kind of unknown subtle force seemed to flow, making them look like...temples? Temples....Long before the Romans’ arrival, places where that intense eerie force which runs through the bosom of the Earth, gets condensed and, mixed up with incense, perfume, oblations and prayer generate some sort of unseen magnetic mists that keep the place apart from everywhere else, drawing those who stay here closer to those who inhabit an intangible world which, nevertheless, almost touches the Earth. I walked onwards along that long stretch which kept the temple far from its surroundings, among the groups of people who were holding their offerings. Then, amidst midday damp heat, feeling my mind swinging between what was going around me and this self of mine, which stood here, far beyond my own physical body, when all that living force beating around me seemed to get condensed, materialized, embodied....

“It’s not here where you must go.... “

Some kind of non-bodily shivering invaded my subtlest, most intangible channels within my being.

“This is a secret space....” “Not for you, Calpurnia.....”

Not for me... I turned round without any deeper considerations about what was yet to come. I went downwards, leaving it all behind: the harbour and all that bustling of sailors, tradesmen and serfs toiling around, unaware of my presence. I also walked past the house that looked like Balbus’, feeling my feet scratched and covered with sand. I couldn´t go downstairs and washed them in sea water... I would do it later... There were no priests or wardens guarding the entrance. But all of it seemed so strangely obvious to me... As obvious as that virgin fertile force of the earth or that occult wise energy springing out of the foam which washed the stairs down below...

“Mother...Sibyl...”

This was some kind of fruitful dark force, this which was rising up violently... Isis... perhaps the black earth from the East was showing here all its fruitful strength. That pregnant, dark adolescent-like belly, on which a...serpent?...seemed to crawl.... and whose disdain for me was no more than the reflection of those strange cat-like eyes, showing off her pregnancy before me at the pace of an unknown sort of laughter, flowing like a river, showing many kinds of shades, each of which was a jeering conjuring against me…Was that your shadow, hanging over that womb? I knelt down breathless, trying to control my suffocating heartbeat, which was choking my throat. Yes, I could see it crystal-clear...It was your glory: your manly pride had got finally satisfied. Some anguishing heat seemed to come from the bottom.. One female uncanny force, motherly and vigorous, warring and crimson, might be swallowing it all into a blazing outburst. That smothering gave way to some thunder-like yelling... Could it be that Jupiter’s temples had caught fire again? Were they flames through your body or was it your own blood pouring out of each of your skin pores, nourishing, purifying a swarm of beings gathering around you?

“No, Mother.... No.... do not put me to this test”

Was it that alien dark lap, the place where your shadow kept mercilessly spilling your life or maybe that of my own, as purple-soaked as yours, tearing up, melting away at the feet of that statue...

“Mother...Sibyl... do away with my absurd barren life right now...Is this the reason why you have driven me here? Yes, do unveil your face... Speak out clearly, be brutally cruel...”

Both my sight and whole being were merging into a wave of salty wet sublimated blood....

CHAPTER XVII

XVII

The warmth of that embrace struck me. How on earth could it be that you were back? No, it wasn’t possible. You were meant to be busy with the campaigns in Greece, so close to what would happen to be a turning point in the development of the war nundina later. Why was I so certain that you wouldn’t be crushed down by Pompeius Magnus and the optimates? Might this be an enlightening blast through my thoughts again? No, this time I had not felt that painful prophetic female echo... Nevertheless, it was your own touch: hard, sweetly warm... The same slender hands, which, shaking were unravelling my hair, trembling like the first time....

–Calpurnia .... Calpurnia.....

Which voice was that?

–Calpurnia.... What will I.... will you make of yourself? My fragile Calpurnia, how will you manage to face what is yet to come?

I blinked. He was aware of my blushing.

–Do not worry, Calpurnia... I had to hold you and carry you in my arms to a place where you could lie down. Cornelia.... She knows what to do to make you feel stronger. If you intend to go on these experiences, you will need some kind of special physical protection to develop and strengthen that channel which is just on the middle of the top of your head, through which all the forces are filtered, the ones that drive you to vibrate as if foreseeing something.. Yes, Calpurnia; despite everything I told you a while ago, I truly doubt you are physically fit to undergo that initiation into supreme knowledge I spoke to you about.... Notwithstanding all this, Calpurnia, we must do something.

“We must do something!” Hadn’t I repeated that to myself day after day within my loneliness? Something that could make me avoid being repudiated. Who would dare marrying the Great Roman’s rejected wife, no matter how well-off my status could be? It is such a thing that no other childless Roman lady would ever suffer in her lifetime. I had grown too heavily tabooed by my own barrenness, something that was plain to see. Father... No, it would turn out to be no trifle for Lucius Calpurnius, the fact of losing his privileged position, so close to the Great Roman. Mother... What.... would you have said? Who knows...

“Calpurnia...... Calpurnia”

“Calpurnia....”

My belly shook, as if rising up to desperately protest in front of that shadow which seemed to hang over my skin pores... What to do? Could it be.... Perhaps was this idea which seemed to grow almost tangible before my startled eyes?

“ Just let this poor infertile mother be fruitful in wisdom... Let your womb and breasts get profit of that strength which is strange to any man so that it generates that deep primeval wisdom from which what is sacred and female comes....”

“Enlightening shadow... how?”.

–Every time you experience that life impulse to... satisfy that need to feel your lord, Calpurnia... even those days your body wants to be especially fertile... Do concentrate yourself on that primary power which springs out of you, stored inside your lower belly and breasts. Watch it, try to find out which colour it is on each track of your body...Feel it run... how it nourishes each of your limbs...all your inner being. Feel it flow there, at the top of yourself and how it shines through each particle that makes part of your body... Nourishing, enlightening it... Making the Wise woman, the Mother of wisdom flow... From that moment it is you who must see what is happening to you. It does not depend on me how to guide you.. Remember you are the mother of that force. Only you can decode and interpret what it might intend to let you know, Calpurnia, my beautiful loyal Calpurnia. I simply demand of you that you will follow the instructions that I’ll give to Cornelia. You know that, missing some essential things where I live, we must turn to other additional means. I cannot trigger that energeia , as Greeks call it, by exposing yourself to sunbeams through gems. If I may do it, on my next visit I’ll provide you with new means to make it all more effective.

During the days of my stay at Pompeii, Cornelia Sulla did not forget it. Initially twice, then three and later up to five times a day she would made me have a certain amount of wine in which she had boiled incense, myrrh, orange, clove , anis and fennel. She would alternate this brewing with another one mixing “lady’s mantle”, parsley, lavender, rosemary, geranium, orange and camomile. The wine would always be mixed with water from those wells which were linked to the caves that had sheltered sibyls long ago.

–I will help you to open up your body at daybreak and dust in waves of incense that you must burn with cinnamon, laurel, honeysuckle, calendula, sagebrush, rosebud ,absinth, thyme or acacia, clover, cypress, hazel, lily, fir, moss, rosemary and rowan. Do not worry: Cornelia will prepare it all, including the exact amount you must take with yourself when you come back to Rome...The Vestals!!! How could I have forgotten about them?

Perhaps this was the first time I saw Kornel really puzzled, alien to that magnet-like presence which seemed to emanate out of him naturally. I felt some kind of peculiar emotion. He must be more or less your age...or my father’s.

–You must be especially cautious about it, Kornel. The Great Roman’s wife....

I noticed some veiled ironical smile through his beard.

– ... Not only must she be virtuous...

I had a slight glimpse of his glossy teeth..

– ....Ointment vases... Yes, why not? That incense and the rest of the ingredients can be ground into some sort of ointment with which you will massage your body just immediately waking up in the morning and before going to sleep every day. Be careful: do not use it in your privates. Do smear it very slightly and gently on your armpits, groins and inner thighs.

Therefore I learnt how to slowly smash that huge amount of resinous grains, tiny leaves and flower petals that Cornelia would provide in the exact proportions that Kornel had prescribed , after having exposed me to those clouds which were spirally ascending from those recipients where incense, myrrh, flowers and herbs were being slowly consumed, filtering that sensuously sacred sweetness throughout my skin pores and body openings, fading all that old embarrassing modesty into a wave of careless pleasure which was getting hold of me, making me feel like being about to be possessed by you, my lord..... Luckily, that exposure was too short to make me lose consciousness. Just as it had been on the verge of happening to me while I was firmly handling that bronze masher inside that resinous dough within the huge, incredibly transparent crystal bowl that Cornelia had given me.

–It must all be prepared only right here. We mustn’t use any other recipients, according to Kornel’s instructions.

.... And the masher was going deeper and deeper into that whirlwind of grains which were still reluctant to be crushed...Crawling along that spiral tunnel that my hand had opened within that incense cloud... And I watched that translucent, almost bright, pale emerald-like flow which had sprung up at the pace of my heartbeat and was flying upwards to merge into that wave of sunbeams which were being filtered through sapphires, ascending through my throat and face and finally getting lost in that mauve twilight-like light in the centre of my head....

Could it be true, this thing I felt swallowing me, dragging this self of mine into that spiral stream my hands had just shaped???

–Calpurnia.... That’s enough for today.

CHAPTER XVI

XVI

Why should I remain submitted to all this useless passive boredom, waiting for something that I could not even value in its true measure? Gods… why on earth must I reduce my hopes to someone of whom I could not expect that thing I secretly yearned for…The opening to what? Maybe Wisdom, the consequence of something that was intensely beating within that deepest part of myself? That obsession to find out why I should remain here? Since I was aware of it, my lord, that my life as your wife was bound to be abruptly cut off one day or another, barren and repudiated. Gods…how deeply I used to envy the High Vestal, even Servilia herself… and your own mother. Perhaps they all had some natural inner force, possessing some kind of assertive individuality that nobody had tried to instil in me. Mother …why?

–Six attempts to light Vesta’s fire!!!

That marble-like chiselled face had grown almost translucent behind his silver-streaked coppery beard.

–How many years have gone by since something like this last happened?

I obviously didn’t know anything about it. I saw him reading my scared astonishment.

–Calpurnia…. Are you really aware of this? I once told that you would only be able to find out which sort of gift might be bestowed on you just by yourself. Nothing, thus, depends on my own will. Little could I do out of my own initiative. However….Did you feel any hint by chance?

My puzzlement was growing on and on.

– Six….Twice the face of the Great Goddess. Maybe one of her three faces… Which one is missing? The Maiden is already present in young vestals! And the Wise woman, who knows about the Occult Lore, represented, as you know, by the high Vestal.

I saw that he was allowing me to develop my own thoughts. Yes, the Mother, Fertile Sensuousness, was missing… Should I personify that myself? However… why now instead of so many times before, when I had presided over the same ceremony?

–Calpurnia …. Perhaps…Who knows! How about interpreting it as sign to let you know that it’s time for you to start performing that task you have been waiting for so long?

Some slight shuddering started vibrating under my skin. Could he have perceived it? Yes, he was saying it out loud, that idea I had kept hidden so fiercely and in which I had always wanted to involve him. What might it be like, that task which would go beyond what was expected? I slowly watched him. That net of tiny wrinkles around his firm invasive look seemed to vanish ...Was that my fate, the one that I thought to be deciphering within that chiasm of silvery blue sparkles, merging into those translucent eyelashes? Whereto did he mean to lead me? In fact, what did I really want to do about

my own life? Was it really anything beyond my own wish, which I had to carry out in order to justify my own breathing, my daily obsessions? Anyway, who else but she has the right to justify it, to give an explanation to all these days, years that I had to spend here , cloistered within this Domus Publica .Mother ....

“Sibyl….!!!”

How could it have happened? We weren’t staying in that island on the other side of our sea, where that lament impregnated the porous rock with its echo... Might it be any remote sensation, perhaps trembling remainders of those oracles which still vibrated inside the subterranean caves in Cumae, the same ones which were linked through galleries to the wells of the villa which had once belonged to Sulla?

“Mother...”

Was it that again, that voiceless flow rising beyond the air, coming from that inner being of mine, the same one that had fully manifested itself that night? I made an effort within that stream which seemed to come from the bottom of my womb.

“Mother…???”

It flowed, flowed.....

“Sibyl....listen to me ....answer....”

What could I expect of all this? May I be bound to wear Minerva’s face? Shouldn’t I represent that fertile Artemise which is worshipped in Aephesus?

“Calpurnia... Calpurnia... my little one.... they are all faces of the same mother....Dear Calpurnia.... there isn’t one single kind of fertility.....There are other ways to be fruitful....”

What other choice could I have? Which priesthood would be allowed to the Great Roman’s wife? Should I have been destined to it ....why couldn’t my life have been channelled into that since my childhood, just like Vestals and Blodwynn-like priestesses? That desperate drive which was coming from my bosom seemed to be about to split me in two, tearing my consciousness away, as if it were a dried-off, brittle barren willow-tree...

“Calpurnia...”

This time it was a deeper, familiar nearby voice ....Perhaps a male one?

“You must be the Lady of Wisdom. Otherwise, another woman will bear your face. The one which legitimately belongs to you. The face of a fruitful-wombed wife. Never let her crush you down...”

No, it wasn`t Kornel’s voice but an echo-impregnated vibration. Like that other prophetic, almost motherly one. Just the same which seemed to have come to him.

–My lady Calpurnia...what ...wise lady was that?

–My lord Kornel....

I had recovered my usual voice, which I felt somehow rusty, due to the scarce use I used to make of it.

–... Whatever thing I could tell you is already known to you....

Suddenly, as I would finally understand such a long time later, I knew he had been aware of all that. Might he also know, in spite of all, anything more about that misty being that had been initiated into some kind of wisdom and might be enabled to wear my face? Anyway, he well knew which steps he had to take.

–Lady Calpurnia, despite all my initial doubts, now I see you are really destined to attain knowledge. That sensitivity of yours, open to respond to intangible callings. Yes, I don´t know how aware you may be of all of this, how useful you could be to advise so many people on a large number of things that any other Roman lady ignores. But you, nevertheless...

–My lord, you know I am obliged to be much more discreet than most patrician women. Moreover, do not forget that we Calpurnii are plebeians. No matter how rich and powerful we have become.

–Yes, I told you. Rumour has it all around Rome that...

He stopped so as not to hurt me.

–Calpurnia ...

His transparent blue eyes had grown unusually bright.

–Now I am fully sure that you should go there... Not only your subtle bodiless being ... But all of yourself... would gain all the wisdom which belongs to you. You would learn about the healing power of each gem according to their colours and crystal structure… and how to transform the function of each body organ and each aspect of your personality and emotions by making moon and sunbeams flow through crystal... Something that is only allowed to certain beings of a race about whom you may have never heard about... You have the right to possess it and, since it is something forbidden to most men and women, you may have the duty to master that lore in order that it will not get lost or limited to that unreachable small place from which I come... though having been born, raised and grown up in Rome. Calpurnia... What shall we do....? I will teach you to modulate your voice and make it vibrate as light does through different gems. They will help you not only to heal... but to seduce as well.... No, my little one, I am not proposing you any wicked thing... I only want you to cast your influence on many different kinds of people, including those powerful ones that will certainly overwhelm you, in order to empower you to face your future.

–My lord Kornel.... what do you really know about my future?

I firmly kept my gaze within those freezing sparkles in his eyes.

–I only have my intuition, which has been properly developed through years of

retirement, relative silence and the study of everything life might wish to transmit me. It is you, Calpurnia, to see beyond what I can perceive, since this lies in your blood. Calpurnia, i can only advise you to learn how to defend your own ground in time.... before it is too late.

–No, Kornel!!!

My own hysterical reaction startled both of us.

–You know there’s so much more... Why can`t you ... or maybe you don´t want to tell about it?

–Calpurnia!!! In the name of all that enlivens Life….

I noticed him making an effort to keep calm.

–I just have...intuition blasts...Perceptions coming through those... ethereal streams from the womb of the cave which is dedicated to the Fertile, Sensuous Great Mother, that which is said to be the dwelling of those living forces which are thought to have begotten those non-human beings who brought arcane magical wisdom to Britannia and Hibernia. The same one which survived the sinking of that primeval world into the depth of the sea and which also spread all over the East, growing its roots on both sides of the Fertile Great River in Kheme. It all happened one day, during the offering of apples to the Mother Goddess... Some kind of shuddering vibration shook my skin. Perhaps it was She –Isis, Astarte or whatever she might be called –trying to make me see... Might she intend to rule again, flesh and blood, just where she once used to...? Nevertheless, as far as I know, Egypt has returned to the hands of that dynasty, the descendants from one of Alexander’s generals, whose children-kings leave State affairs to royal civil servants and marry their own sisters. Forgive me, Calpurnia; it is not proper to say this to a virtuous roman matron. Well, as you see, I just have such vague inconsistent hints that I can’t give you more information about this issue than all that you may imagine. What else can I do but make you see by yourself through that natural channel you own and must train?

His voice was controlled, rhythmical, mildly deep, reverberating through my fibres, within my head... wrapping itself around me, getting hold of me like a whirlpool, possessing my fainting being....

–Calpurnia!!!

CHAPTER XV

XV

Could it be your own being, this who I had been invoking? I did not mind that male-like manifestation of hers. I put myself in her hands, carried away by some kind of humbleness, which was part of my powerlessness. It might be my imagination’s doing... or perhaps it was She ...or myself… Svelte, virginal, covered by a mane-like wave, merged into an immaculate tunic... The same figure that could also show herself through a mature-looking appearance, with plentiful breasts and hips, like Blodwynn... also sheltered by a rebellious, red burning mass of hair ...Or even that masked image, raven-like, similar to a full-moon night, lit up by some arcane wisdom, alien to all that has been written and taught by men, beyond life itself... Maybe coming from the other side of Lake Styx... Mother... why should’t she wear your face... or that of Aurelia herself...Wasn´t her face that of the Goddess of Wisdom, Enlightener of her Fate..? Yes, Goddess, make me become your instrument. I will be your voice...

Sibyl, tell me ...I am invoking you...

“Calpurnia ...my little one...sweet Calpurnia...Listen to yourself. Do not use wisdom to refuse the barriers that may prevent you from lore, wherever they could come from. No matter who might have erected them before you...Do search, plunge yourself into that knowledge which came from far beyond us, from the bottom of the sea.”

How on earth could this be just an echo, sounding so painful and tender, so clear... and, however, ambiguous?....“The bottom of the sea”....or maybe seawater? Perhaps some kind of wisdom kept by those who were called “ladies of the rivers and lakes”, of whose existence I had been told that night? How? Who could show me the way to get in touch with them ... or with it? Why should I go on having doubts any longer?

–My lady Calpurnia, I am no more than a priestess of the Goddess. It is not me you should turn to. I am not even qualified to put you in touch with it or entitled to unveil the wisdom of our race to anyone... not even you. If I ever dared consulting our higher priestesses, I would certainly be warned that this is beyond our legacy, my lady Calpurnia.

–Blodwynn...Remember my promise.... Would your....Goddess... accept a great offering ... even if I made it myself? Maybe it would be better that you did it in my name, just as our men present them to Bona Dea through women.

–My good Calpurnia... If you like, I will do it myself. But I am sure that the Goddess wouldn’t mind its coming from your own hands, in spite of your being a Roman. Kornel would even tell you that Bona Dea, Juno, Minerva, Vesta herself... are no more than faces which the same Mother, fertile and loving, takes up. However, you can’t force her will .It is up to her to decide how much you are allowed to learn and how. As for Kornel...I think we should wait until he finally arrives back on Kalendae Iunii when the moon is full. Will you be able to....? Meanwhile, you can sharpen your mood and quieten it by devoting some time to watch your thoughts and emotions serenely, trying to discover a path for the Great mother to notice your restlessness and somehow agree to manifest herself in front of you... Let yourself be listened to, Calpurnia.

That enigmatic sea-blue look, nevertheless, succeeded in keeping me calm. Oh, gods, how could I go on trying to keep this serenity until Iunium? Yes, there must be a way...

I decided to invite Cornelia more often, on the grounds of my interest in that story of those spice wines which she felt so proud of and that had meant such a fruitful business for her, not only among all Roman patrician ladies –there was no Senatorial household without an amphora containing one of her wine varieties – but also among Italian equites’ families and noble homes overseas, where you know that she kept a prosperous trade, apparently only run by herself.

–I won´t admit, as you may imagine, that any tricky butler might keep my recipes in his memory and then, should he become a libertus one fine day... you know what it means.

But she would never tell us who was counselling her on it. It was obvious that she wasn’t doing it all alone: all that stuff related to transporting, exporting and charging money.

–You know, Calpurnia. I am telling you all about this as I am sure that you won’t profit on it. Otherwise, what would all Rome...and your Great Husband... think about his discreet wife spreading such bizarre healing recipes based on wine? Anyway, my dear, I know that I need someone reliable so that, should something unexpectedly unfortunate happen, he or she could keep, treasure all this work I have been researching on for years. I trust you will promise not to tell anyone alive. Go and fetch something to write on, dear. .... Well.... You can use any variety, from Campanian kinds –even Falernum- to those from Northern Italy mixed with Greek ones or even from Hispania, as I once showed you. First of all, you must boil wine with incense and myrrh, which will give it their healing and invigorating properties. Even in some cases you may also add some aloe…or some drops of cedar resin. The same as Blodwynn’s people use.... to preserve their enemies’ heads... We can’t deceive ourselves, Calpurnia. It’s not only what your husband has been telling us about Gallic uses throughout his military campaigns. Though his account may be quite accurate...

I remembered the priestess’ reddish-golden hair and blue eyes, so alien to a death messenger.

–Well, let’s go on.... Besides boiling the wine with resins, we must add spices and herbs that may vary according to each case. Inside our body there is a series... of channels...

She had softened her voice as if trying to unveil something arcane, forbidden to non-initiated ears. I even felt uneasy, thinking of the likely consequences this could bring about.

-…. through which different kinds of life force are transmitted. If we must trigger the force going through the least noble part of our body we should use marjoram and sage or chicory and ginger….For that force which nourishes our sex organs and increasing fertility, it is suitable to choose sesame, caraway, poppy, sage and rose. ...If we want to activate the force that runs through our belly and, therefore, those organs which are related to the assimilation of food and also to sight, we need sage, mint and clove….And it’s even convenient to boil some garlic and onion….If we wish to stimulate the energeia (Yes, that’s the Greek name for it.) which nourishes our hearts, we must use camomile and dandelion, geranium, tangerine and lavender... In order to trigger the force that nourishes the area around our necks and, simultaneously, all our internal organs -particularly ears –we should use cedar, resin, ginger, lemon, cinnamon and even some pepper... We must boil wine with eucalyptus berries, basil, poppy and camomile in order to stimulate the force running between the eyebrows, which is the area that rules intuition... Aren’t you tired, Calpurnia?...I’m just finishing…. There are still some other uses which aren’t related to physical health but regard... the anima...

I took back my calamus, trying not to stain my papyrus.

–Finally, to increase the force that runs through the upper area of our heads, this which regulates the activity beyond...

Cornelia was trying to find a suitable word.

–... For what’s mechanical, I mean, that part of ourselves which can refer to all that can transcend what’s tangible, as you know well, we should use parsley...rosemary.... geranium, orange... Ah! It can also be substituted by myrrh, orange, clove and anise...

I was aware that she was being especially punctilious regarding this point so that I could grasp it as deeply as possible in order to practise it on myself. However, I did not have any means at Domus Publica to emulate Cornelia. What’s more, it wouldn’t be wise of me that the High Vestal should learn about it.

–Nevertheless, though I guess Kornel will get to know about it, don’t tell him much about this issue when you see him. By the way, Calpurnia, which place would you think fitful to meet up with him? Cumae or your Pompeian villa? No...We must be careful about the serfs. Remember that you are not the only Roman family at Pompeii. It should be better at my place. Furthermore, your husband is too busy fighting Pompeius’ followers there in Greece as to pay attention to think about the convenience of his wife spending a few days in the villa of an oldest family friend, though this is his own ex mother-in law...

–But I must be here at the beginning of Iunii, for Vesta’s celebrations. I have to preside over the solemn renewal of Vesta’s fire as the Pontifex Maximus’ wife.

–This reminds me of what Blodwynn once told me.... Both in Hibernia and Britannia there is a goddess to whom a permanent fire is consecrated and whose feast is one of the most important days for those peoples. It is exactly four months before Vesta’s commemoration. She also told me that she was a virgin goddess, served by maidens. Yes, I see it’s true. In fact, all gods are the same. There’s no need for Kornel to remind us about it....

She was watching me slowly, as if guessing each thing passing through my thoughts...Kornel.....

CHAPTER XIV

XIV

Not yet... Blodwynn had stayed by my side all day through... Blodwynn...Flower-woman... Was she that facies inside that jungle of multiple tiny reddish-golden braids, through which those silvery-blue piercing eyes cast their gaze, getting through your bones, triggering that blood stream throughout my breasts? The Gallic-British priestess was watching me in puzzlement but understanding what could be making its way through my thoughts.

–Calpurnia....I think you should go out into that marvellous garden. I did not know that Roman villae might have something like this, such an immense, profound sight! It is incredible, that imposing mountain and the sea below!

Suddenly her blue gaze became dead-like, almost petrified .She lowered her eyelids.

–This morning, while I was watching it from the.... do you call that exedra...?

I nodded.

–....It suddenly ....looked menacing... covered in an ash shroud that spread all over the bay!

Some imperceptible shuddering seemed to invade each of her fibres. This is what I thought to perceive, even though she did not move a single muscle.

–Calpurnia, dear Calpurnia...

Now it was she who was beginning to be aware of my puzzlement. She could read how blocked, how dull and barren I felt at that moment, like so many times before. Anxiously struggling beyond my own apparent weary passivity, striving to violently break that imperceptible petrified crust which made me feel so limited...

–Calpurnia –She held me in a motherly rock-a-by hug. –Just listen to what you might feel at the right time inside you ... Someone may call you ... Then, you must be alert.

Yes, she knew that ... and was also aware that my circumstances were also favourable for me. Like this cloister-like solitude in this Domus Publica, which would be often broken by Marcia, Portia...or my little vestals. Apart from this, what could I do, restricted to being a wife whose sole task is to safeguard my husband’s honour zealously? Nevertheless, there it lay, that blurred idea, waiting for me to carry it out... But how? How much longer should I wait till all of this should be dimly revealed to me?

–The Great Mother... This who is inside each of us... She will make you see... But do not desperately search for her. She has enough sovereignty to let herself be shown whenever she might find it fitful.

I immediately thought of Bona Dea, the Goddess who only consents on being served by women. But this who had been mentioned by Blodwynn seemed to accept everyone’s service, mainly those who were initiated. She could be either a Virgin, or a Mother or a Wise Woman, depending on the face she might wear on each occasion. Bona Dea .... Mater Dea... Virgo Dea.... Mater Sapientiae... Sapiens... Goddess of the Full Moon, fertile and enlightening... Come to me in your brightness, whoever you may be ... Do have mercy on this barren field ...

I woke up, startled, amidst that darkness which was only pierced by those pale beams coming from the peristylium. That dense, blue-grey invading look was still tingeing the quiet air.

CHAPTER XIII

XIII

Unlike what would be predictable, I did not have such a downhearted day as that other night some time before. . However, the weakness caused by so many days of partial fasting made me stay lying on that lectus which still remained impregnated with my own hopeful expectation, the same as so many years ago... Perhaps because in those days I had already started thinking of you as someone different from that uncle-like figure, whose visits home were becoming more and more frequent... Could it be that we used to have you here at Pompeii? My lord... Whose lectus would you have chosen then? Maybe the ivory one...Or that one which had been carved in turtle-shell and agate and was so dear to....

Despite the previous nights’ nourishing sleep, that caressing, reverberating voice still sounded through my thoughts. It might have been tingeing my dreams all those hours since the moment I had finally recovered my hard, limited physical being while blackbirds were resuming their customary early dawning dialogue. At late noon, there came a female voice – not evoking at all, just painful – or maybe virile, free from time, within grey blue sparkles... beyond lulling me, savouring my own name....

–Calpurnia, my Capurnia....

Was it your voice, filtered through that air from far away? Perhaps it could be invading my cubiculum, melting in those sunbeams coming from the peristylium?....Calpurnia, lady Calpurnia... No, you don’t belong here yet... Not yet...