CHAPTER LI

                                                                           LI

I spent the day after the Ides in long periods of sleep, among which Cornelia continuously gave me her brewings. The following morning I knew that Antonius and Lepidus had called the Senate to meet up and discuss about the convenience of forgiving the….Plotters. I felt adamant to call them assassins. Just as I rebelled against the fact that that being who – I would rather say which –was lying in the Vestals’ house, reduced to an unrecognizable despoil, had been you. Notwithstanding all this, I could not stop thinking about Portia….

–Yes, Calpurnia…Who knows if, definitely, it is…Cato’s spirit who has handled his son-in-law in this plot… Which role could Portia have played?

Cornelia had taken advantage of the fact that Marcia was not around, so that she could comfort me …. And be sincere to me. I then knew that I had to speak out to her in spite of my prostration.

–Kornel … Here….Before Caesar….

Her look had lost her usual firmness.

–It must have been a desperate decision that he had to take when he saw Decimus Brutus come in… Didn’t you know that he devoted himself to watching over Domus Publica since he learnt about the Senate’s extraordinary summon on the Ides? He asked me to provide him with a group of armed man in order to protect him. Of course, since you have stayed here all the time, you can’t have noticed all that strange stir around Porticus Margaritariae which was aroused by this man, looking like a noble Roman and dressed as an aruspex, hanging around, surrounded by his serfs, even very late at night… Yesterday he also spent all the day sleeping with the help of brewings, as a complement of all those techniques he uses to harmonize both his mental and bodily balance. He’s not the kind of man who externalizes his feelings… But I know how he must have felt. In spite of the distance, he had always been hanging on….your husband, partly because this man so much reminded him of himself, though he was convinced that there were many Mariuses inside Caesar, and also due to his being Aurelia’s son… No, she never aroused any suspicions since, as you know, all Iulii are and have been like Gaius and have had the same bright slender beauty. And I also know that, in spite of returning to his usual life at the temple of Venus-Astarte, things won’t be the same for him… Don’t worry; he won’t forget to say goodbye to you. Something you must do from now on is to start thinking about how to channel your life in the near future. The next Pontifex Maximus will need Domus Publica ….I imagine that…the Egyptian…won’t take long to go back to Egypt. No doubt she must be frightened right now… The house and gardens are superb, you know. Far from Palatine Hill, though. But you can also stay in my place as long as you wish…

I knew that she was sincere. But… living with Kornel’s presence around whenever he came to Rome? Not to mention Cornelia’s fondness of young well-built slaves… I dropped my head on her lap, silent, unable to go on thinking… Yes, perhaps it was true that all of this had not been a wicked plot that Kornel and she had schemed, as you had made me believe. “…He intended me to go on owing him my life and glory till my old age…” He could only get himself a victory over me by depriving me of what’s most precious for me as a man, my trust in an unblemished wife, the most virtuous one of all Roman patricians” Might these have been your last thoughts? How right could you have really been?

–Yes, Calpurnia. –Marcia had just arrived. –Your father is going to take charge of…all. Remember that’s a paterfamilias’ task, but… well, you know .On the other hand, there’s something that…. worries me. You know that it should correspond to him to give the funeral speech. But this will be done by… Antonius! Calpurnia!! How on earth is your father able to yield to whatever thing imposed by that….

–…That fellow who, unlike what should be expected, was not in Curia Pompeiana when everything happened. He certainly owes us some explanation about all this dealing with your husband’s murderers!

–You know that politics and the safety of Rome frequently demand this of him.

–Calpurnia!!!

They both watched me in awe.

– It’s your husband who has been killed! There should not be any room in your heart for any pitiful understanding on this issue at all!

–How couldn’t I realize it? –After so many days’ languor, my voice sounded tense again. – Aren’t you aware of what you’re both hinting at…?.

–What most Roman senators imagine and we don’t dare saying aloud. Who can trust a consul who, being the Dictator’s representative in Rome, takes advantage of it by setting up a wandering circus with elephants, prostitutes, acrobats, fortune-tellers… that he exhibits all around Italy?.

–Fortunately, Caesar reacted on time and dismissed him from his position as his magister militum.

–Quite predictable of him… Can you expect any other response to such a humiliation coming from Clodii’s accomplice?

They both stayed with me and Atia on the stand that had been appointed in the Forum

for the female relatives who would attend the funeral rite. Before that, my family had read your will. As you had told me, youth Octavius had been chosen as your successor

and, besides, there were other heirs such as that unmentionable Decimus Brutus…But why? Was this the way you rewarded fifteen years’ cloistered loyalty? I was not mentioned at all… You obviously relied on my father’s wealth. I felt some kind of sterile relief when I saw that both the Egyptian and your offspring had also been excluded. Besides, I learnt that I would not be sent to the domus on the other riverbank: like your gardens, it had become a public place, thanks to your bountiful donation to Roman people, which also included the fact of guaranteeing each Roman an amount of wheat and a pension which would provide a living for so many parasites who have always hung around Rome, protected by the Senate and their tribunes….

–Gods… my child… My heart was slowly going into pieces as I kept reading it. That’s how your virtue has been paid for… I would never have expected that…. The most painful thing is that neither of us is mentioned in the whole will… Anyway, you know that I will make sure that you may have everything you need. If you like, you can come home or even Herculaneum … or Pompeii, if you wish so.

The musicians were approaching. Their fifes invaded the massive silence around the Forum…. Everybody knew that this was a historical day, specially so many war veterans among whom I could make out an amazing number of swollen faces, reddened with crying… and all those Jews from Subura, as so many other individuals belonging to many different races who may also be Suburans, former neighbours of yours… Then the procession of the imagines came along. They were the Iulii who have preceded you: your father, uncles and aunts, grandmother, cousins… wax faces, so like one another, rhythmically going onwards…Aurelia….What would she have thought… when meeting back that wax ghost who had been her husband, he that had possibly made her shake with passion, and then her own work, her son, statue-like, rigid, with that strangely rebuilt face…. How did they manage to achieve it? Solemnly upright, cushioned on that ivory lectus which was to be laid inside that copy of the temple of Venus which had been erected in front of the rostra .This was the first time that I could see you after the Ides’ morning .Unlike what should be expected, I did not feel any kind of tearing pain or violent shock. I just experienced curiosity and some profound amazement to see myself watching you impassively, as if you were one more funeral mask, but, nevertheless, feeling that icy grey look which did not exist anymore, questioning me, reminding me that Cleopatra had more dignity than I… You had been dressed with the Pontifex Maximus’ toga. Up above, the cold wind stirred the dry blood-drenched remnants of the attire which you were wearing that day when you reminded me my weakness. Maybe you kept on brooding over your frustration, even at the very moment that you collapsed, bleeding yourself away, becoming a lifeless drained carcass.

Finally the glorious moment came for… what could I say about Antonius by now? Your former magister equitum and cousin Lucius’ nephew put on his usual grief-looking face, mounted on the stairs leading to the rostra with grave bearing, slightly stooped… Something quite predictable of someone who is a close friend of actors and acrobats. His voice, which I had never heard publicly before, thundered, keeping fitful pauses to catch the attention of that serenely grief-stricken crowd. The oratio unfolded quite in Antonius’ line, according to some kind of double-dealing, perhaps the same game that he used to play during Senate meetings, considering the plotters’ honour and his doubts about whether you had been a real tyrant or a benefactor. As you can imagine, he did not forget to announce them that you had included Roman people in your will and how generous you had shown yourself to them. –“In fact it’s no more that what each of his legionaries is usually paid after a war campaign “, my father had cleared out. –For the first time in my life, I really started admiring Antonius’ peerless skill…Mainly when, just after finishing his speech, he began to go down the stairs slowly, aware of the tangible effect that his words had made on that human tide…

It was then when he suddenly uttered a shriek which startled even those of us who knew him and fell on the funeral lectus, sobbing like a mourner, shaking convulsively on your purple and crimson toga… All of us, including Atia, looked at each other, both puzzled and embarrassed… According to what we could understand, he seemed to lament that injustice which you had suffered before the dead eyes of all your wax-reincarnated ancestry, consciously swept by his hysteria, which drove the musicians to play their fifes louder and louder, just like accomplices of that histrionic performer who had succeeded in catching everyone’s attention…. A yell beyond human nature, coming not only from me but also from the whole crowd, smothered his performance .I felt my friends’ hands firmly hold me while I was trying to look down and avoid watching what was happening. There you stood: alive again, mechanical, spinning around after Antonius had taken your toga off and, almost with fruition, started to point at each of the twenty-three bloody cracks which had been marked all over your body, still beautiful despite your deadly paleness…

–Gods… I could not imagine this… that he could be so ignominious. Not even from his could I have expected it… Poor Calpurnia….

Marcia’s voice buzzed in my ears… Was yours that eerie, grey-blue, piercing look… That which I made out in the crowd on the other side of the rostra, coming from that ivory face, surrounded by red-golden braids….? Some violent roaring swarm hid the vision that I had before my eyes, followed by a turmoil which was alien to the fifes and Antonius’ shrieks.

-They are destroying the benches and platform! Look, Calpurnia…They intend to burn

it up instead of taking it to Campus Martius !

Yes, I had noticed some huge blazing torches that soon turned into some warm horrible-smelling crackle. Immediately afterward, a forest of flames rose up beyond the temples and all of Rome… I would have stayed there, motionless, if I had not been hastily flown away, with no time to send for my litter. We had to rush to Domus Publica, the only safe place in town that evening… It was then when I grew really aware of what had happened. Your existence had come to an end and I should start to bid my farewell to my life in Domus Publica. Then, I had to say goodbye to the peristylium which Aurelia had filled with trees, over which her hand still seemed to veil, to the triclinium where, several times every week, I had shared my dinner with Cornelia, Marcia…and Portia, to the cubiculum in which I had enjoyed the man who had woken up my body not even one hundred nights… Yes, now that my woe could finally flow throughout my body and I did not mind the traces that it could leave in my health, I could eventually behold my real destiny and felt ashamed of so many years’ aspirations, striving to get an identity which could save me from all of this that stood before me, as ruthless as that night’s flames, which, once having eaten away your body, were swinging in a ritual dance, as if it were part of the funeral ceremony, trying to beg divine clemency on you …

–Calpurnia…. He has come with me.

Cornelia had just returned from her house. Both Marcia and she had decided to spend the night with me. There, in the dark of the room, I made out the cat-like sparkle of those transparent eyes… As it was usual of him, he walked on in silence, as if barefooted.

–Calpurnia… My little one….

I know he was about to hold me but he restrained himself.

– I had to do it…. However, it seems that we can’t escape from what is destined to us. I had heard something about a likely conspiracy but I didn’t want to worry you. Besides, I didn’t know who were involved in it… No, I would have never imagined that Brutus might let himself be convinced by those graffiti…. I think that Cato’s spirit has really won… Why are you looking so surprised, Calpurnia? Beyond this physical life there are plots that we don’t know. Don’t discard your fear that Portia and her husband are no more than simple instruments… I have come not only to show you my affection but also to go with you two if you want to fetch…well, you know. Your father has gone to get himself some rest after all these sleepless days and nights, having to arrange it all.

I had to accept his offering, though I rebelled against the idea of having a fistful of singed bones and undefined ashes in my hands. No, I could not accept it…. We left in Cornelia’s litter at dawn. I watched twilight-tinged Roman sky and air, coloured like those gems....Some sort of creak shook that intangible part of my inner self which was about to crack. In front of the rostra there was only a heap of still smoking ashes.

–The rabble has spent all the night here. Therefore, as you can imagine, they have taken it all. It’s been really mad-like… Even many matrons’ jewels and their children’s bullae. All of them, melted as an oblation to beg divine Julius’ protection… But this wasn’t the only reason why I have made you leave Domus Publica.

The litter turned back up on Palatine Hill. Once we had arrived at the entrance of Cornelia’s domus, we got off and went through the atrium towards the tablinium, just in front of the altar where the imagines of Gens Cornelia’s Sullan branch are kept. As the day before during the funeral ceremony, my friend held me to prevent me from fainting. You were lying there, on a tortoiseshell lectus with purple cushions on it, neatly dressed with your toga trabea. I could even feel those clear piercing eyes under your closed eyelids and scrutinized your wax-like face… But the utter lack of the scarce hair that you still had that fateful morning and your flawless-chiselled features, which had no traces of having been ruthlessly massacred, made me watch you more closely.

– Quite a cunning trick, so predictable of such a schemer as Antonius is… Having a life –size wax articulated effigy devised. Fortunately, I found a place next to the rostra so that I could rescue it just immediately before the pyre started to burn…. No, I don’t think that Antonius, being so enraptured by his own speech, would be aware that his invention had vanished amidst all that uproar, hidden behind all those wooden pieces heaped up in front of the funeral lectus…Nevertheless, having been responsible for the arrangement of the funeral ceremony, your father ought to have foreseen all this….

I am sure that, deep down inside, he knew the reasons why Lucius Calpurnius had not told me anything about this.

–My initial intention was to keep it to myself so that it could be taken to where I know Caesar would have liked to have it, inside the temple of Venus Marina, his patroness, in his favourite town in Hispania… But, first of all, I had to ask you for permission just in case you wished to keep it…

I deeply watched those large-striped folds which hid the vigorous hands that twinned those who had caressed me so occasionally, those angular cheekbones, that sharpened nose…No more aged or worn-out due to campaigning and endless exposure to broad sunlight….

–Cornelia… You have offered me to stay in your home until I can get myself a new domus …

Cornelia looked at me, heartily assenting.

–May I…how could I say it… enjoy its company until Kornel decides to ship it away….? On which exact spot would you put it…?

– Inside the deepest cave, next to his mother Venus, that which was carved with the flashes of several kinds of gems and looks like having been begotten by twilight beams within the sea waves that caress the stairs of the temple… Calpurnia… You mustn’t forget that initiating process you have gone through during all these years and everything you have achieved, something that has never been bestowed on any priestess, no matter how long she might have served her deities….That capacity of yours to let you inner self flow and merge into other forces… Your nature is so like mine, even though half your blood belongs to such a speculator as Lucius Calpurnius Piso is. You’ve got a duty to the life energy that feeds the world … I’m not asking you to cloister yourself away from Rome and your people forever. I just insist that you have the right to devote seasons, maybe in springtime and summer, the time in which sailing away is advisable, to grow and develop that wisdom I know you treasure inside, beyond simple ointments that might have been useful for you in some given circumstances of your nearest past. Only there you’ll be able to thoroughly study how to heal body and mind through the different light shades of each gem… This will lead you to deepen into the knowledge of everything you have been given by your ancestors, the most sublime ones, those who enlightened Tyrrhenians and the inhabitants of Gaul and Britannia… and even those wise men from our oriental provinces and even the lands beyond the Danubius river, still alien to Rome. Do not dismiss it, Calpurnia…You’re bound to learn about your heart rhythms, the beating of that ethereal force you’ve got inside and that potential capacity to generate life… Who knows if your barrenness has only been due to your ignorance about how to channel that force, something that so many years’ limitations forbade you to correct. Calpurnia, now it’s time for you to open yourself to life though these days have been really fateful… Remember we have just celebrated Anna Perenna’s festivity…

I kept staring at the three of them –your effigy, Kornel and Cornelia – for a long while....

And here I am, finally ending this huge epistola that I decided to start writing that day in front of your effigy. First, in Cornelia’s tablinium, then, while sailing towards Gades and, whenever I could do it, in those months that I spent in the temple of Venus Marina....

perhaps driven by your spirit, which might now be trying to penetrate into my inner self, that which you could not possess after so many years’ lifeless marriage and which would have made you blame Kornel for having deprived you of it, even while you were bleeding to death? Yes... who knows if this may be your subtle force, flowing from that place where you might be dwelling , aiming at taking back something that you used to consider legitimately yours, spilling through these silent words... I must silence my voice right now, when my womb is brimming with life. I am not Calpurnia Caesaris any more, though I’m making myself ready to return to Rome and temporarily share a small domus with Marcia on Palatine Hill, next to my father’s. It is now when a new life is about to open up and I have the responsibility to channel it, teaching it all that I have learnt in such a way that it might not be at odds with Roman patrician world.

I have begged Kornel not to remove these manuscripts off your lap. Fortunately, who shaped you hands –so firm and slender –made sure that they were skilfully articulated, so as to properly grip the case containing them. Do not worry about the seal: it is yours, the same one that I used on those scarce occasions when I wrote to you. I managed to save it from Antonius’ claws.

It will be strange not to look at your face in such a long time... Anyway, it will not be longer than when you were alive....

Farewell, my lord...Do enjoy being worshipped by those who also venerate your ancestor, that who was born out of the sea foam, in the town which you loved most apart from Rome

                                                   Calpurnia Pisonis Caesonina

                        

                             October, the year in which Gaius Iulius Caesar became Divus Iulius

 

 

CHAPTER L

L

I stayed like that, cuddled up inside myself until late noon. Sheltered within that piercing lacerating cold, in spite of that heap of furs on top of me, alien to hunger and other needs. I obviously refused Cornelia’s visit. I did not even want to know anything about Marcia. How lonely my existence would be from then on….apart from the fact that, like a piece of furniture, I was bound to be moved out, into that domus, whose lecti must still keep traces of your body juices. Nevertheless, today was Anna Perenna’s feast, on which all the years which span from my birth to the moment that I had to become a loyal matron, the whole family –Lucius Calpurnius, Rutilia …. Oh Gods..Rutilia… my brother and friends would go to the temple for the celebration. It always used to be a day of hope, freshness and serene joy, according to the promise of life renewal that day really meant. That intense mixture of freshly-cut flowers and incense perfume… the same scents that seemed to get through my skin pores and nostrils, blocking my breath and finally letting out that tide of wild tearing which dragged me away, depriving me of that intangible thing within myself that might have defended me from fateful prostration for so long… It had to be Lucius Calpurnius Piso himself who found me like that, reddened-faced and heavy-breathed. ..Why, for the first time in his life, should he have entered my cubiculum with no previous warning, while, in scared puzzlement, I hastily covered my naked body, still dirty with your seed and my own secretions? I grew as pale as his wax-like face, noticing him somehow crooked, leaning on the entrance of the room in dismay… My eyes began questioning him…. I understood that, like me, he was too weak to cry or moan as he would have wanted to.

–My child…

He rushed towards me, sinking his head on the furs. I felt him convulsing slightly. Maybe you had already told him about what had happened between us that morning.

–…Twenty and three….

–….Twenty-three stabs… one by each of those senators, including that Decimus Brutus, who he had even included in his will!

His voice, which had become unrecognizable, made a pause to take a breath and go on.

–….Servilia’s son himself….

Gods…no…my Portia….

–… Brutus’ brother-in-law…Even Cornelius Cinna …His former brother-in-law, the brother of that whose love made him defy Sulla himself!

He could not go on speaking. Like myself a while before, he noisily collapsed on my furs while the serfs crowded at the entrance of the cubiculum, more alarmed by all his shriek invading the peristylium than by what had just been known in Rome. The man  whose seed could have rooted in my womb today was lying in a puddle of blood inside Curia Pompeiana…. I cautiously took my naked arms out of the fur cover and held him, sharing his thundering sobs, letting my tears damp his almost white hair, away from my own being, flowing into abandonment….

–Calpurnia, my little girl, Calpurnia…

Cornelia’s broken dismaying voice was hanging over my sightless eyes. I let myself be sheltered by her motherly embrace whereas another female hand, Marcia’s, took mine in silence with that complicity which would suit to a woman who has also suffered her man’s untimely loss, at the same time as she caressed my sweat-damped hair, keeping her head next to mine and suddenly ageing Cornelia’s.

The sun was about to set when the cart arrived at Domus Publica. It was my father, helped by Cornelia, Marcia and Marcius Philippus, who managed to arrange it all and give orders to your personal physician so that he would wash and tidy…the body. I was not allowed to see it .Neither would I be given any further detailed explanation about how the wounds had been made until days after. It turned out to be quite a wise decision. Otherwise, I would not have survived the fact of watching you like that, all stabbed through, with those torn-out genitals and face…. Nobody apart from our families came to see us that night, which I spent embracing my father, Cornelia and Marcia… To say the truth, why should I wish to see anyone?

–He worries me…Antonius.

Cornelia, absent-looking like a sibyl, broke the silence. Everyone’s amazed eyes gave her a questioning look. Everyone’s….except mine.

–Why wasn’t he inside the Curia?

My father watched her, assenting. A serf came in the middle of the night and whispered something to him. Yes, there really seemed to be some Sibyl-like stuff about her….

–Marcus Antonius has come to give his respects. – Lucius Calpurnius announced.

And there he was. Massive, conveniently sorrowful-looking, wearing a toga under which a bulging cuirass could be seen. I cannot remember the words he told me. I was not even able to pay enough attention….

–My child… Marcus wants to access to your husband’s documents and money…

He spoke slowly, looking straight into my eyes… Yes, my father was aware that my faculties were fatefully diminished that day…But…. Why didn’t he do anything? Why on earth could he consent that scoundrel to take it all? I think that I was sure that there must have been a misunderstanding about what had happened that morning and that the day after you would return home to clear things up….

Not only did Antonius take that chest in which you kept your small treasure, so to call it, with your letters and bundles but also your will, which my father had to fetch from the Vestals’ house I think that my friends and I shared the same shivering while seeing him take charge

 of everything that you had controlled by yourself only a few hours before with my own father’s condescension. However, I would not be aware of all of this until a few days after. I still had the whole night in front of me. The next dawning, under the influence of those brewings which Cornelia was a master at, I would make an effort to recover all that life that, like yours, had been taken away from me in the morning of Anna Perenna ‘s Day in the year 709 a.u.c.

CHAPTER XLIX

                                                                     XLIX.

–Calpurnia...

Never before had my name been pronounced with such a harshness that woke me from that sleep in which I had sunk, dirty and exhausted... I sat up in distress, impulsively covering my naked body. Those eyes that were me were not a husband’s anymore. I watched you while I felt my tongue dry up.

–Calpurnia.. I’m off for the Senate... Afterwards, I’m staying with my troops until we set off for Parthia...

Your cold hard voice was blocking my breath.

–....No, don’t worry about your position or economical situation. If you are discreet, you can stay here until you can manage to settle down in my domus on the other side of the river...

You finally got aware of my puzzlement.

–Calpurnia ....Calpurnia... how on earth...Oh, damned Lucius Calpurnius! I always knew that I should only have a business rapport with him....

I felt my eyes wilder and wilder, on the verge of suffocation. Gods... what? Your sharpened eyes, grey like daggers, kept controlling me.

–In any case, I don’t even blame you...He...Always he... His intelligence exceeds human cunning, so it enables him to defeat all of us. Why didn’t I feel it then, when, being a quaestor in Gades, I knew he was still alive and had not missed any information about me through the years? Yes...there’s no doubt. In the same way as he once intended that I should owe him my own glory thanks to that clemency he showed when he once spared my life... Gods, clemency!

Some sort of sardonic laughter invaded the cubiculum. Ecastor, the serfs! No, you did not care anymore...

– What an irony, that he should dare boasting on such a virtue which, by the way, he did not use up when he signed so many bloody proscriptions! Yes, now, once again he seems to be determined to save my life and, simultaneously, gain absolute ascendancy over the Pontifex Maximus’ discreet, virtuous, most honest wife, my greatest pride as a man…. This would be his greatest legacy, according to himself. To deprive Rome of the evolution that it must experience form now on…. No, certainly, since he was not a Dictator Perpetuus, I should not have the right to it, either…Nor to be proclaimed rex…

 

 

Suddenly, silence sprang up. You had eventually realized that your unusual voice might be being listened to by those who ought not to. I saw you deeply inhale more than once while I remained awaiting, unable to proffer any words. My breathing seemed to

become steady again.

– Calpurnia… I was trying to convince Decimus Brutus of that foolish thing you had forced me to promise. Maybe inspired by some wicked skills you may have been taught…. Obviously, my kinsman considered them what they really are, brainless tricks, proper of such a weak mind as yours. But I was still blurred by that bewilderment and exhaustion you had deliberately aroused on me. I could never have imagined that you would even turn to forcing me to take pleasure on you in order to find your purposes…. Perchance… have you been instructed on this, too?

My suffocation came back. I did not even have the strength to shed tears or sob.

–…. I was beginning to wake up from that lethargy in which you had induced when, suddenly, a serf came in to tell me that a noble Roman wished an urgent private meeting. The slave’s strange, almost scared look prompted me to leave Decimus Brutus and welcome the newly-comer in the room on the other side of the atrium. That man was apparently slightly older than I, dressed like an aruspex, with that look, blue and transparent, ravishing away all that I might be thinking about, scrutinizing each corner of my inner self… I recognized those eyes, as well as his strangely expressive, slender translucent hands…. “Caesar, listen to everything you wife may warn you”…Why should I have remained there, almost gelid, with no capacity to respond for a few minutes? Perhaps because I thought he had died, even though I had had the feeling that he might still be alive when I decided to spare the temple of Venus Marina in Gades from any fine after the battle of Munda. Besides, I would have never dared going to meet him…but I could never think he might be in Rome. He told me what he thought I ought to know, including that story of your shared ancestry and that both of you come from the race of the sibyls, those who were born from lineages dating back to the time of Etruscan kings, when there were frequent couplings of simple human beings and the so-called nymphs. Gods, Calpurnia! I hope all that mad nonsense has not spread around Domus Publica…..

I saw you quiver ostensibly.

–

He was making such a clear, cool-headed account that he even convinced me. Lucius Cornelius’ own mother, who was thought to have been dead since his childhood, had really got away from her husband’s cruelty with Lucius’ twin brother… who accidentally met his sibling back when this was working as a spy for Marius beyond Cisalpine Gaul and trying to make believe he was Gallic…. Lucius Cornelius did not clear up what had really happened .The fact is that he was somehow blackmailed, according to his words. That is, his brother would replace him, adopting his identity, which, in fact was that which would correspond to him as a noble patrician of such an ancient though impoverished lineage, as soon as Lucius Cornelius would set off for the

Eastern provinces at the time of Cinna’s consulship. That Lucius Cornelius Sulla who returned to Rome and Pompeius met, worn-out, bruised-skinned, deprived of that Apollonian brightness of his, was his Gallic brother whereas the Lucius who I met as a small child was already devoted to depurate his body and mind and instructing himself on the arcane wisdom, as he calls it, on the other side of our sea.

Though I felt unable to utter any sound, you noticed my avid look and, then, went on.

–What could he get in return? Supposing he was blackmailed, death-threatened or maybe….menaced about something which could destroy that dignitas he was so obsessed to restore, it’s obvious he must have accepted certain conditions. What’s more, being aware that someone else is forging a place in history for you while you keep yourself hidden and safe, training and taking care of your body and mind so that the passing of years seems not to leave any traces on them, could be tempting for such a unique person as he is, Unlike so many other human beings.…. How did Lucius Cornelius manage to make his substitute well-prepared enough to face all that task? To start with, he discovered that his mother had made sure that his brother could grant himself a suitable education for a Roman. It seems that an eques from Cisalpine Gaul took them to live with him. However, the twins’ reunion might not have been fortuitous. I think that not even Lucius Cornelius himself is sure about it. The real thing is that he made his brother pretend to be a slave so as to have him by his side and, thus, make him learn about with political skills. … Which of them was the real maker of Sulla’s proscriptions, I wonder?

You shrugged, absent-looking.

–They both kept in touch in the distance… How much did Cornelia know about it while his father was still alive? The truth is that for many years there was a rapport between the wise man from the temple of Venus Marina in Gades and Lucius Cornelius Sulla’s daughter, intensified by cunning Cornelia’s fruitful commercial exchanges, long before you remained alone in Domus Publica…. He also told me that he wouldn’t have come here to see me if he hadn’t learnt that Decimus Brutus was making his way here so as to convince me to go to the Senate today… Gods…Calpurnia… How on earth have you let yourself be bewitched by this being who is beyond time and what’s purely human…What could you have got in return?

Your voice had become chocked, but it was still cold, aloof, belonging to that stranger who you had started to be for good. No, I could not mention all that story about my need to have a place of my own and my refusal to let myself be buried under the solitude of Domus Publica. Miraculously, I felt my voice alive again.

–Caesar… I had to save you… Just remember I explained it to you yesterday….The Egyptian….

–So do you think I can trust someone who has let herself be infatuated by that… character…? At least Cleopatra is much too intelligent not to be deceived… and has dignity…

I saw that the coldness in your eyes was growing into the previous night’s fear. Yes, they had discovered that violent, mischievous heavy force which, beyond my painful desire, was driving me to generate some kind of life flowing beyond myself, addressed to possess the Egyptian’s being, poisoning her fate… Almost sobbing, I yearned that she could be despoiled of that child who was her main pride and that her womb went barren…that her power could vanish and she should be forced to search for a shelter in her madness and emptiness. Yes, Cleopatra knew that, even against my own will, she was already damned one way or another….You were aware of it, my husband.

I saw you hurry out, perhaps relieved as this unexpected circumstance had allowed you to solve this situation, which had meant quite a serious moral controversy for you for so many years, even since long before going to Alexandria… I stayed there, sitting on my lectus, petrified among those furs, unsuccessfully trying to melt that ice which was making my body crackle inside my bones and head. Unable to utter a single sound, to lie down…. Maybe it was that alien force, which was poisoning me instead of heading for reborn Isis….

 

 

CHAPTER XLVIII

                                                                 XLVIII

-Domina .... domina....

My personal serf’s voice, first soft, then louder, woke me up from outside the cubiculum .mild golden sunlight coming from the peristylium fully invaded our room. Perhaps several hours had gone by since dawn. Maybe too many...You were still cuddled on one side of the narrow lectus. I had felt you shaking all through the night, stirred by reasons which might have nothing to do with that peculiar Epicurean dinner of the previous evening: I well knew that your fragile stomach would prevent you from trying sophisticated delicacies. I decided to get up as you made yourself comfortable across the lectus .

–Domina ....Senator Decimus Brutus is waiting in the tablinium....He wishes to see the Pontifex Maximus immediately.

What would he want of us at this time of the day’

–Tell him that my husband can’t go to the Senate at midday.

–My wife... No, wait.... I’ll personally talk to him.

You had just put on your tunic and the light sandals that you used to wear at home.

–Girl, go ahead and let him know I’m on my way..

–My lord...

I felt that my voice that my voice, though soft, was tinged with some kind of sharpened anxiety.

–No,no, do not talk to him... He’ll try to convince you... No...

I made an effort to suffocate that moan which I was about to let out.

–Calpurnia...

You did not smile but just watched me with the same look as the night before. Distant, slightly scared, almost with worship...

–....No, I will explain it to him. It’s me who must eventually make decisions at any moment... Isn’t your husband the Dictator Perpetuus?

You had taken my face in your strong, slender, pale hands, caressing me like you used to, long before going campaigning in the Gaul. Just like then, touching my curls with the same care as someone running his fingers through a small child’s locks. I opened up my eyes and knew that you had found back that Calpurnilla from the early years..... I then realized that this was an occasion I could not waste, so I ran my lips up and down your neck while circling your thigh with my leg and pressing my breasts on your chest until making you fall onto the lectus. It was I who, for the first time in our marital life, had the initiative, riding you while driving your hands to wander around that skin of mine, full of that desire of fertility which would always spring up those days before my menses...Despite my excitement, I was aware of the amazement in my look, about to get lost in that heartbeat which was speeding up through your body while you remained below, panting in quite an usual way, louder and louder, even indecorously....

–Domina....

–Tell Decimus Brutus that my lord will see him in its due time!!!

That panting scream, tinged with impatient fury, calculated to silence your noisy rattling, certainly scared the poor girl, who was not used to that tone at all. I momentarily thought that this was your destiny, as I could read it in you wild eyes, alien to me that morning. You might have died right then, swept away by some animal-like moaning, bursting inside my womb so that your seed could finally find a shelter there. But it would not be like this. You remained there, lying under myself while we were sharing the same heavy sounding breath, looking at each other in silence. I could have kept you trapped that way until the evening...

–Calpurnia ....

That was the deep paused voice which I had so often listened to away from the cubiculum.

–I must wash myself and see him....

Yes, that voice tone had been designed to dissuade and impose things wisely, as you had always been able to do masterfully.... I pushed myself aside and let things go their way, still trembling with scared pleasure under the furs which covered our lectus.

CHAPTER XLVII

                                                                         XLVII

Yes, I knew that I had to warn you… But, despite all that I was telling to myself, encouraged by Kornel’s words, I could not find the courage to do it, my lord. You did get yourself a wife who was utterly like the mould that you had been searching for after Pompeia Sulla’s failure. A decent matron who would masterfully keep up the appearances…as far as this could suit your plans. Was the Egyptian a model of virtue and discretion, anyway? In spite of it all, something was beginning to relieve that bitterness which had already started to blur my thoughts. I instinctively knew that this absolute though intangible sovereignty over you and everybody else around would not last forever and that her magic, so wisely begotten through a lifetime and helped by blood heritage, had been somehow invaded by an alien force that she could not have ever imagined, coming from someone unknown, whose origin was beyond human limits… No doubt this was what she noticed that afternoon when I went to visit her. Perhaps this was the reason why she might have urged you to exclusively devote your attention to her during those months after your homecoming and, simultaneously, drive you to speed up your imminent proclamation as a Rex and, thus, after your expedition against the Parthians, stay in Egypt instead of returning to Rome and then materialize what you had been thinking about for so long.

That blinding vision amidst myrrh, incense, golden threads and flashing gems masking that little body, so like a youthful mummy….Yes, it was no more than ephemeral architecture, like those bright multicoloured arches decorating the Circus and its surroundings during important ludi. Relieved, I breathed the myrrh, incense and flower essences with which I had made up my ointment, feeling them through my nostrils and skin pores, within my breasts and belly… brand new, alive, full of fruitfulness… enlightening me.

–My child… He may drop in at Domus Publica the day before the Ides. I imagine that Cornelia and Marcia have told you that there will be an extraordinary session of the Senate in the curia of Pompeius’ theatre and he finds it more convenient for him to make himself ready for it here. It is… obvious, isn’t it?

Lucius Calpurnius Piso could not be more explicit. His sad look was giving him away. He must have learnt about your intention of having that law bill passed so that you could legally wed….

–It is nearer, too…. I don’t know if Marcia has told you that Marcius Philippus has invited him for dinner this evening .It’s an exclusive male meeting. That’s the reason why you haven’t been asked to join them.

I was aware that my father felt adamant to speak freely and was trying to find an excuse to leave. Therefore, I made no effort to keep the conversation alive: I knew that it was too embarrassing for him to be forced to play an intermediary role between you and me, being in charge of transmitting you my yearning to see you back and, then, take part in a game that was being censored by most Romans.

Martial festivities passed by. Anna Perenna’s day would be crudely cold that year. Hard Roman winter invaded the eve of the Ides with its damp icy wind. Cornelia decided to stay with me longer as usual, as if aware that I really needed it. Through our intentionally casual conversation, she kept uneasily staring at me, even worried by those waves of green resin-like odours pervading my body. However, this made me feel strangely secure, almost relaxed, as if protected by some kind of solid though subtle intangible fortress.

–No, there’s no Kornel’s message today. He is utterly absorbed by a meeting with some of his contacts. One of them is this Greek teacher, Hector. There are also the aruspex who is said to come from old Etrurian aristocracy and some other Greek grammaticus - I think he’s called Artemidorus. In any case, I know he needs to get in touch with you soon, earlier than you can imagine…

Fortunately, she stayed for a long while after dinner. Something that I really thanked as it helped me get through the hours before your arrival. As you may remember, she was still at home when you eventually turned up. I saw you had noticed the look in our eyes as soon as you walked through the entrance of the triclinium. Both Cornelia and I were beholding someone who seemed to have been invaded by some kind of spectral force. That slight tanning provided by military campaigns had faded off your parchment-like skin after so many months of peace. For the first time after years, your complexion was fully ivory. Those deep worn-out tracks remained on the thinning skin, which clung on the angular cheekbones and prominent, slender emerging nose, alarmingly sharpened, fading inside that unperceivable mist which sprang out of your eyes, now greyer than blue, trance-like, cast far beyond the subtle net of wrinkles which had been sheltering them almost since your younger years….

–Strange days, Calpurnia. …

You had not called me “wife”, as you had used to those scarce nights like this, after that hour of restrained panting, sweat and other kinds of bodily juices… After Cornelia’s discreet departure, you had remained silent, absorbed, as if concentrated on the deep smells of my body, on that tunic of mauve and light blue gauze which highlighted my curves and the darkness of my hair. I fugaciously thought that all this had turned out to be quite effective while I felt almost bitten by your hungry mouth, subdued under your weight and iron-like hands....

–Why strange, my husband?

–It all began yesterday, on my way to the Forum. One of the arúspices suddenly came

 

along. He was this Etruscan whose noble ancestry is said to date back to the Tarquinii, according to so many stories that are told about them… He kept warning me about the Ides of March all the time, over and over again. Why on earth should I be advised or told about what to do or when? The same thing happened this morning! Then, at Marcius Philippus’, where, as you can imagine, the dinner was predictably exotic, among marinated hummingbirds in orange and pomegranate sauce and date-stuffed sea urchins, those folks had the great idea of picking out quite a nice subject to chat about. Which kind of death would each of us choose!!! What did I answer to it? Of course, I’d rather have some kind of quick…unexpected way to pass away.

I was fully aware that you were contradicting yourself unconsciously .Which other meaning could it have, that maddening anguish which made you find enemies everywhere? I felt you sensing death hanging over, though that night your loquacity was struggling to scare away the image of the ghostly Caesar who had visited me not long before.

You made a long pause.

– Perhaps you know that I have thought of going on campaign once again. This time it will be against the Parthians. Maybe the day after tomorrow or at most in three days’ time…. I can’t wait any longer, Calpurnia…. I need action, like before. . As you well know, I’m not the type of man who can reduce his life to the Senate and Palatine Hill. I think that’s the reason why I have suffered this sort of neurasthenia all these months. Perhaps your father has told you that I have called the Senators for an extraordinary meeting tomorrow in order to inform them about my imminent setting off for Parthia… and also that I’m determined to get some special power at all costs and by any means. No matter how unpopular they might be. You must understand it, Calpurnia, This is a desperate solution…

The look in your eyes had grown intense, almost begging. I clearly saw what you were letting me know me beyond your own words. I suddenly felt void, violently despoiled of my own femaleness and pride. It seemed that the fugacious strength which that cloud of scents had conferred me could have vanished after our physical deliverance.

–Caesar, my husband….No…. Do stay by my side tomorrow….

Your eyes got blurry, puzzled....

–What do you mean, Calpurnia…? I have just told you this is a turning point .Not only in my career but, most of all, in my own life. Can’t you see it…?

The tone of your voice, though still tender, trying to convince me, was becoming icier. I shrank back in embarrassment. I realized that any remaining fondness which you might have felt for me was inexorably fading away. “Harden your heart, Calpurnia…What you may have considered a virtue so far has no sense anymore”.

I took a deep breath. You

respected the silence that I kept while my heartbeat was speeding and sweat began pouring between my breasts, groins and thighs, growing icy, stabbing me…. Just like your eyes, now on the verge of panic while watching my wild look.

–Caesar…. No…No… I’ve seen it…I dreamt of it… I saw you in my arms, bleeding all over while many Romans were surrounding us… washing their hands …in your blood.

I listened to my voice. It was mechanical, alien to myself …Sibyl-like? Perchance weren’t you, Sibyl, who, mother-like, had come to help me?

–Gods, Calpurnia, gods…..Is that possible, that I may hear this of such a model matron… At least this is what I have always thought of you so far. I can’t believe a lady of such a social height could have lowered herself to the point of becoming one of so many vulgar superstitious women from the rabble. Like so many others who, as I have heard while dining, waste their time on watching eclipses that don’t exist, lions wandering around Capitoline Hill, slaves whose hands have been transformed into burning torches running along Campus Martis and the Forum in the middle of the night. No wonder they may have been lies which some nostalgic Republicans have spread around in order to increase hatred against my person. Remember, my wife, this might damage you… and also your own father.

Your tone was growing softly menacing. No, I could not draw backwards now…. “Forget about prudence, Calpurnia.”

–Caesar….

My voice, alien again, rose up with amazement at the same time as I felt myself straightened, even stretched by some sort of intangible force.

–You know, I’m well informed about your life… on the other riverbank. Just like everyone else in Rome.

I realized that my eyes were opening up, wild no more but piercing like lightning, sinking into yours, where I discovered a scared shadow. I saw you impulsively draw backwards.

-Caesar, we all know about what you are planning with no need of any conspiracy. Your relative Philippus, my own father and, of course, your uncle Cotta and Antonius…. We are aware that physical and mental health has weakened since your stay in Alexandria. No, do not blame it on campaigning, lack of physical activity or age…Do not fool yourself…Are you so blind as to try to ignore how easily Egyptian palace officers can eliminate those who do not suit their interests with poison? How could you expect any devoted loyalty from a woman who has inherited that family tradition of ruthless ambitious females who are even willing to commit incest so naturally? Caesar...you don’t seem to realize what must happen if you marry her. As soon as she becomes your widow, she will be the queen not only of Egypt but of the whole Roman world as well. Are you really so desirous that hundreds of years’ work, carried about by so many generations of virtuous noble Romans, are doomed to be destroyed by the violent imposition of pitiless Alexandrian palace officers who will be the real rulers and bring about Old Egyptian priestly aristocracy and degeneration, which will swallow all that your ancestors and yourself have built?

I am sure that you fugaciously beheld Hekate’s incarnation in me...or even the Sibyl.

–Caesar... Will you allow so many Roman families’ dignitas to be trodden on...?

You look was firm again.

–Well... I had not thought of doing it yet. Neither should I announce it publicly. But you’ve forced me to do it, Calpurnia. I must let you know ... I beg you not to spread it around for obvious reasons... It is in my will. I have chosen Atia’s son as my heir...Just in case I should pass away with no sons of my own. Therefore, Roma could be kept safe from those wicked claws you see about Cleopatra and all her kin.

However, you were aware that my look and voice were still intensely fierce.

–....Are you so sure that she will not try to convince you so that you change your will? She may also be determined to have your grand-nephew killed. Remember, the boy is frail and his health is poor. All that intelligence of his that everyone talks about.... will it be useful to save him? Do not forget it, Caesar....

I felt unable to call you my husband.

–....All this is utterly predictable about such a degenerated person that is able to have marital intercourse with her brother and has been taught to assassinate since childhood....

My voice had reached some kind of ominous sounding cadence. I could read it in your eyes... No, you did not recognize me.... I was aware that I had succeeded in hardening my voice unconsciously so that I was able to use it in such a way that it had reached a point beyond human limits. Like Cleopatra herself, reborn Isis. I then understood that, right then, at that very moment, I had gained the same degree of ascendancy over you that she had once attained... Yes, there was no doubt about it.

I began to secretly enjoy my success. I could see it crystal-clear in your face, which showed me that you had eventually surrendered... Then you bowed your head and buried it on my breasts so as to remain there, cuddled up, during the rest of the night while I rocked you protectively, sleepless by that unexpected emotion..