CHAPTER XLVII

                                                                         XLVII

Yes, I knew that I had to warn you… But, despite all that I was telling to myself, encouraged by Kornel’s words, I could not find the courage to do it, my lord. You did get yourself a wife who was utterly like the mould that you had been searching for after Pompeia Sulla’s failure. A decent matron who would masterfully keep up the appearances…as far as this could suit your plans. Was the Egyptian a model of virtue and discretion, anyway? In spite of it all, something was beginning to relieve that bitterness which had already started to blur my thoughts. I instinctively knew that this absolute though intangible sovereignty over you and everybody else around would not last forever and that her magic, so wisely begotten through a lifetime and helped by blood heritage, had been somehow invaded by an alien force that she could not have ever imagined, coming from someone unknown, whose origin was beyond human limits… No doubt this was what she noticed that afternoon when I went to visit her. Perhaps this was the reason why she might have urged you to exclusively devote your attention to her during those months after your homecoming and, simultaneously, drive you to speed up your imminent proclamation as a Rex and, thus, after your expedition against the Parthians, stay in Egypt instead of returning to Rome and then materialize what you had been thinking about for so long.

That blinding vision amidst myrrh, incense, golden threads and flashing gems masking that little body, so like a youthful mummy….Yes, it was no more than ephemeral architecture, like those bright multicoloured arches decorating the Circus and its surroundings during important ludi. Relieved, I breathed the myrrh, incense and flower essences with which I had made up my ointment, feeling them through my nostrils and skin pores, within my breasts and belly… brand new, alive, full of fruitfulness… enlightening me.

–My child… He may drop in at Domus Publica the day before the Ides. I imagine that Cornelia and Marcia have told you that there will be an extraordinary session of the Senate in the curia of Pompeius’ theatre and he finds it more convenient for him to make himself ready for it here. It is… obvious, isn’t it?

Lucius Calpurnius Piso could not be more explicit. His sad look was giving him away. He must have learnt about your intention of having that law bill passed so that you could legally wed….

–It is nearer, too…. I don’t know if Marcia has told you that Marcius Philippus has invited him for dinner this evening .It’s an exclusive male meeting. That’s the reason why you haven’t been asked to join them.

I was aware that my father felt adamant to speak freely and was trying to find an excuse to leave. Therefore, I made no effort to keep the conversation alive: I knew that it was too embarrassing for him to be forced to play an intermediary role between you and me, being in charge of transmitting you my yearning to see you back and, then, take part in a game that was being censored by most Romans.

Martial festivities passed by. Anna Perenna’s day would be crudely cold that year. Hard Roman winter invaded the eve of the Ides with its damp icy wind. Cornelia decided to stay with me longer as usual, as if aware that I really needed it. Through our intentionally casual conversation, she kept uneasily staring at me, even worried by those waves of green resin-like odours pervading my body. However, this made me feel strangely secure, almost relaxed, as if protected by some kind of solid though subtle intangible fortress.

–No, there’s no Kornel’s message today. He is utterly absorbed by a meeting with some of his contacts. One of them is this Greek teacher, Hector. There are also the aruspex who is said to come from old Etrurian aristocracy and some other Greek grammaticus - I think he’s called Artemidorus. In any case, I know he needs to get in touch with you soon, earlier than you can imagine…

Fortunately, she stayed for a long while after dinner. Something that I really thanked as it helped me get through the hours before your arrival. As you may remember, she was still at home when you eventually turned up. I saw you had noticed the look in our eyes as soon as you walked through the entrance of the triclinium. Both Cornelia and I were beholding someone who seemed to have been invaded by some kind of spectral force. That slight tanning provided by military campaigns had faded off your parchment-like skin after so many months of peace. For the first time after years, your complexion was fully ivory. Those deep worn-out tracks remained on the thinning skin, which clung on the angular cheekbones and prominent, slender emerging nose, alarmingly sharpened, fading inside that unperceivable mist which sprang out of your eyes, now greyer than blue, trance-like, cast far beyond the subtle net of wrinkles which had been sheltering them almost since your younger years….

–Strange days, Calpurnia. …

You had not called me “wife”, as you had used to those scarce nights like this, after that hour of restrained panting, sweat and other kinds of bodily juices… After Cornelia’s discreet departure, you had remained silent, absorbed, as if concentrated on the deep smells of my body, on that tunic of mauve and light blue gauze which highlighted my curves and the darkness of my hair. I fugaciously thought that all this had turned out to be quite effective while I felt almost bitten by your hungry mouth, subdued under your weight and iron-like hands....

–Why strange, my husband?

–It all began yesterday, on my way to the Forum. One of the arúspices suddenly came

 

along. He was this Etruscan whose noble ancestry is said to date back to the Tarquinii, according to so many stories that are told about them… He kept warning me about the Ides of March all the time, over and over again. Why on earth should I be advised or told about what to do or when? The same thing happened this morning! Then, at Marcius Philippus’, where, as you can imagine, the dinner was predictably exotic, among marinated hummingbirds in orange and pomegranate sauce and date-stuffed sea urchins, those folks had the great idea of picking out quite a nice subject to chat about. Which kind of death would each of us choose!!! What did I answer to it? Of course, I’d rather have some kind of quick…unexpected way to pass away.

I was fully aware that you were contradicting yourself unconsciously .Which other meaning could it have, that maddening anguish which made you find enemies everywhere? I felt you sensing death hanging over, though that night your loquacity was struggling to scare away the image of the ghostly Caesar who had visited me not long before.

You made a long pause.

– Perhaps you know that I have thought of going on campaign once again. This time it will be against the Parthians. Maybe the day after tomorrow or at most in three days’ time…. I can’t wait any longer, Calpurnia…. I need action, like before. . As you well know, I’m not the type of man who can reduce his life to the Senate and Palatine Hill. I think that’s the reason why I have suffered this sort of neurasthenia all these months. Perhaps your father has told you that I have called the Senators for an extraordinary meeting tomorrow in order to inform them about my imminent setting off for Parthia… and also that I’m determined to get some special power at all costs and by any means. No matter how unpopular they might be. You must understand it, Calpurnia, This is a desperate solution…

The look in your eyes had grown intense, almost begging. I clearly saw what you were letting me know me beyond your own words. I suddenly felt void, violently despoiled of my own femaleness and pride. It seemed that the fugacious strength which that cloud of scents had conferred me could have vanished after our physical deliverance.

–Caesar, my husband….No…. Do stay by my side tomorrow….

Your eyes got blurry, puzzled....

–What do you mean, Calpurnia…? I have just told you this is a turning point .Not only in my career but, most of all, in my own life. Can’t you see it…?

The tone of your voice, though still tender, trying to convince me, was becoming icier. I shrank back in embarrassment. I realized that any remaining fondness which you might have felt for me was inexorably fading away. “Harden your heart, Calpurnia…What you may have considered a virtue so far has no sense anymore”.

I took a deep breath. You

respected the silence that I kept while my heartbeat was speeding and sweat began pouring between my breasts, groins and thighs, growing icy, stabbing me…. Just like your eyes, now on the verge of panic while watching my wild look.

–Caesar…. No…No… I’ve seen it…I dreamt of it… I saw you in my arms, bleeding all over while many Romans were surrounding us… washing their hands …in your blood.

I listened to my voice. It was mechanical, alien to myself …Sibyl-like? Perchance weren’t you, Sibyl, who, mother-like, had come to help me?

–Gods, Calpurnia, gods…..Is that possible, that I may hear this of such a model matron… At least this is what I have always thought of you so far. I can’t believe a lady of such a social height could have lowered herself to the point of becoming one of so many vulgar superstitious women from the rabble. Like so many others who, as I have heard while dining, waste their time on watching eclipses that don’t exist, lions wandering around Capitoline Hill, slaves whose hands have been transformed into burning torches running along Campus Martis and the Forum in the middle of the night. No wonder they may have been lies which some nostalgic Republicans have spread around in order to increase hatred against my person. Remember, my wife, this might damage you… and also your own father.

Your tone was growing softly menacing. No, I could not draw backwards now…. “Forget about prudence, Calpurnia.”

–Caesar….

My voice, alien again, rose up with amazement at the same time as I felt myself straightened, even stretched by some sort of intangible force.

–You know, I’m well informed about your life… on the other riverbank. Just like everyone else in Rome.

I realized that my eyes were opening up, wild no more but piercing like lightning, sinking into yours, where I discovered a scared shadow. I saw you impulsively draw backwards.

-Caesar, we all know about what you are planning with no need of any conspiracy. Your relative Philippus, my own father and, of course, your uncle Cotta and Antonius…. We are aware that physical and mental health has weakened since your stay in Alexandria. No, do not blame it on campaigning, lack of physical activity or age…Do not fool yourself…Are you so blind as to try to ignore how easily Egyptian palace officers can eliminate those who do not suit their interests with poison? How could you expect any devoted loyalty from a woman who has inherited that family tradition of ruthless ambitious females who are even willing to commit incest so naturally? Caesar...you don’t seem to realize what must happen if you marry her. As soon as she becomes your widow, she will be the queen not only of Egypt but of the whole Roman world as well. Are you really so desirous that hundreds of years’ work, carried about by so many generations of virtuous noble Romans, are doomed to be destroyed by the violent imposition of pitiless Alexandrian palace officers who will be the real rulers and bring about Old Egyptian priestly aristocracy and degeneration, which will swallow all that your ancestors and yourself have built?

I am sure that you fugaciously beheld Hekate’s incarnation in me...or even the Sibyl.

–Caesar... Will you allow so many Roman families’ dignitas to be trodden on...?

You look was firm again.

–Well... I had not thought of doing it yet. Neither should I announce it publicly. But you’ve forced me to do it, Calpurnia. I must let you know ... I beg you not to spread it around for obvious reasons... It is in my will. I have chosen Atia’s son as my heir...Just in case I should pass away with no sons of my own. Therefore, Roma could be kept safe from those wicked claws you see about Cleopatra and all her kin.

However, you were aware that my look and voice were still intensely fierce.

–....Are you so sure that she will not try to convince you so that you change your will? She may also be determined to have your grand-nephew killed. Remember, the boy is frail and his health is poor. All that intelligence of his that everyone talks about.... will it be useful to save him? Do not forget it, Caesar....

I felt unable to call you my husband.

–....All this is utterly predictable about such a degenerated person that is able to have marital intercourse with her brother and has been taught to assassinate since childhood....

My voice had reached some kind of ominous sounding cadence. I could read it in your eyes... No, you did not recognize me.... I was aware that I had succeeded in hardening my voice unconsciously so that I was able to use it in such a way that it had reached a point beyond human limits. Like Cleopatra herself, reborn Isis. I then understood that, right then, at that very moment, I had gained the same degree of ascendancy over you that she had once attained... Yes, there was no doubt about it.

I began to secretly enjoy my success. I could see it crystal-clear in your face, which showed me that you had eventually surrendered... Then you bowed your head and buried it on my breasts so as to remain there, cuddled up, during the rest of the night while I rocked you protectively, sleepless by that unexpected emotion..