CHAPTER XVI

XVI

Why should I remain submitted to all this useless passive boredom, waiting for something that I could not even value in its true measure? Gods… why on earth must I reduce my hopes to someone of whom I could not expect that thing I secretly yearned for…The opening to what? Maybe Wisdom, the consequence of something that was intensely beating within that deepest part of myself? That obsession to find out why I should remain here? Since I was aware of it, my lord, that my life as your wife was bound to be abruptly cut off one day or another, barren and repudiated. Gods…how deeply I used to envy the High Vestal, even Servilia herself… and your own mother. Perhaps they all had some natural inner force, possessing some kind of assertive individuality that nobody had tried to instil in me. Mother …why?

–Six attempts to light Vesta’s fire!!!

That marble-like chiselled face had grown almost translucent behind his silver-streaked coppery beard.

–How many years have gone by since something like this last happened?

I obviously didn’t know anything about it. I saw him reading my scared astonishment.

–Calpurnia…. Are you really aware of this? I once told that you would only be able to find out which sort of gift might be bestowed on you just by yourself. Nothing, thus, depends on my own will. Little could I do out of my own initiative. However….Did you feel any hint by chance?

My puzzlement was growing on and on.

– Six….Twice the face of the Great Goddess. Maybe one of her three faces… Which one is missing? The Maiden is already present in young vestals! And the Wise woman, who knows about the Occult Lore, represented, as you know, by the high Vestal.

I saw that he was allowing me to develop my own thoughts. Yes, the Mother, Fertile Sensuousness, was missing… Should I personify that myself? However… why now instead of so many times before, when I had presided over the same ceremony?

–Calpurnia …. Perhaps…Who knows! How about interpreting it as sign to let you know that it’s time for you to start performing that task you have been waiting for so long?

Some slight shuddering started vibrating under my skin. Could he have perceived it? Yes, he was saying it out loud, that idea I had kept hidden so fiercely and in which I had always wanted to involve him. What might it be like, that task which would go beyond what was expected? I slowly watched him. That net of tiny wrinkles around his firm invasive look seemed to vanish ...Was that my fate, the one that I thought to be deciphering within that chiasm of silvery blue sparkles, merging into those translucent eyelashes? Whereto did he mean to lead me? In fact, what did I really want to do about

my own life? Was it really anything beyond my own wish, which I had to carry out in order to justify my own breathing, my daily obsessions? Anyway, who else but she has the right to justify it, to give an explanation to all these days, years that I had to spend here , cloistered within this Domus Publica .Mother ....

“Sibyl….!!!”

How could it have happened? We weren’t staying in that island on the other side of our sea, where that lament impregnated the porous rock with its echo... Might it be any remote sensation, perhaps trembling remainders of those oracles which still vibrated inside the subterranean caves in Cumae, the same ones which were linked through galleries to the wells of the villa which had once belonged to Sulla?

“Mother...”

Was it that again, that voiceless flow rising beyond the air, coming from that inner being of mine, the same one that had fully manifested itself that night? I made an effort within that stream which seemed to come from the bottom of my womb.

“Mother…???”

It flowed, flowed.....

“Sibyl....listen to me ....answer....”

What could I expect of all this? May I be bound to wear Minerva’s face? Shouldn’t I represent that fertile Artemise which is worshipped in Aephesus?

“Calpurnia... Calpurnia... my little one.... they are all faces of the same mother....Dear Calpurnia.... there isn’t one single kind of fertility.....There are other ways to be fruitful....”

What other choice could I have? Which priesthood would be allowed to the Great Roman’s wife? Should I have been destined to it ....why couldn’t my life have been channelled into that since my childhood, just like Vestals and Blodwynn-like priestesses? That desperate drive which was coming from my bosom seemed to be about to split me in two, tearing my consciousness away, as if it were a dried-off, brittle barren willow-tree...

“Calpurnia...”

This time it was a deeper, familiar nearby voice ....Perhaps a male one?

“You must be the Lady of Wisdom. Otherwise, another woman will bear your face. The one which legitimately belongs to you. The face of a fruitful-wombed wife. Never let her crush you down...”

No, it wasn`t Kornel’s voice but an echo-impregnated vibration. Like that other prophetic, almost motherly one. Just the same which seemed to have come to him.

–My lady Calpurnia...what ...wise lady was that?

–My lord Kornel....

I had recovered my usual voice, which I felt somehow rusty, due to the scarce use I used to make of it.

–... Whatever thing I could tell you is already known to you....

Suddenly, as I would finally understand such a long time later, I knew he had been aware of all that. Might he also know, in spite of all, anything more about that misty being that had been initiated into some kind of wisdom and might be enabled to wear my face? Anyway, he well knew which steps he had to take.

–Lady Calpurnia, despite all my initial doubts, now I see you are really destined to attain knowledge. That sensitivity of yours, open to respond to intangible callings. Yes, I don´t know how aware you may be of all of this, how useful you could be to advise so many people on a large number of things that any other Roman lady ignores. But you, nevertheless...

–My lord, you know I am obliged to be much more discreet than most patrician women. Moreover, do not forget that we Calpurnii are plebeians. No matter how rich and powerful we have become.

–Yes, I told you. Rumour has it all around Rome that...

He stopped so as not to hurt me.

–Calpurnia ...

His transparent blue eyes had grown unusually bright.

–Now I am fully sure that you should go there... Not only your subtle bodiless being ... But all of yourself... would gain all the wisdom which belongs to you. You would learn about the healing power of each gem according to their colours and crystal structure… and how to transform the function of each body organ and each aspect of your personality and emotions by making moon and sunbeams flow through crystal... Something that is only allowed to certain beings of a race about whom you may have never heard about... You have the right to possess it and, since it is something forbidden to most men and women, you may have the duty to master that lore in order that it will not get lost or limited to that unreachable small place from which I come... though having been born, raised and grown up in Rome. Calpurnia... What shall we do....? I will teach you to modulate your voice and make it vibrate as light does through different gems. They will help you not only to heal... but to seduce as well.... No, my little one, I am not proposing you any wicked thing... I only want you to cast your influence on many different kinds of people, including those powerful ones that will certainly overwhelm you, in order to empower you to face your future.

–My lord Kornel.... what do you really know about my future?

I firmly kept my gaze within those freezing sparkles in his eyes.

–I only have my intuition, which has been properly developed through years of

retirement, relative silence and the study of everything life might wish to transmit me. It is you, Calpurnia, to see beyond what I can perceive, since this lies in your blood. Calpurnia, i can only advise you to learn how to defend your own ground in time.... before it is too late.

–No, Kornel!!!

My own hysterical reaction startled both of us.

–You know there’s so much more... Why can`t you ... or maybe you don´t want to tell about it?

–Calpurnia!!! In the name of all that enlivens Life….

I noticed him making an effort to keep calm.

–I just have...intuition blasts...Perceptions coming through those... ethereal streams from the womb of the cave which is dedicated to the Fertile, Sensuous Great Mother, that which is said to be the dwelling of those living forces which are thought to have begotten those non-human beings who brought arcane magical wisdom to Britannia and Hibernia. The same one which survived the sinking of that primeval world into the depth of the sea and which also spread all over the East, growing its roots on both sides of the Fertile Great River in Kheme. It all happened one day, during the offering of apples to the Mother Goddess... Some kind of shuddering vibration shook my skin. Perhaps it was She –Isis, Astarte or whatever she might be called –trying to make me see... Might she intend to rule again, flesh and blood, just where she once used to...? Nevertheless, as far as I know, Egypt has returned to the hands of that dynasty, the descendants from one of Alexander’s generals, whose children-kings leave State affairs to royal civil servants and marry their own sisters. Forgive me, Calpurnia; it is not proper to say this to a virtuous roman matron. Well, as you see, I just have such vague inconsistent hints that I can’t give you more information about this issue than all that you may imagine. What else can I do but make you see by yourself through that natural channel you own and must train?

His voice was controlled, rhythmical, mildly deep, reverberating through my fibres, within my head... wrapping itself around me, getting hold of me like a whirlpool, possessing my fainting being....

–Calpurnia!!!

CHAPTER XV

XV

Could it be your own being, this who I had been invoking? I did not mind that male-like manifestation of hers. I put myself in her hands, carried away by some kind of humbleness, which was part of my powerlessness. It might be my imagination’s doing... or perhaps it was She ...or myself… Svelte, virginal, covered by a mane-like wave, merged into an immaculate tunic... The same figure that could also show herself through a mature-looking appearance, with plentiful breasts and hips, like Blodwynn... also sheltered by a rebellious, red burning mass of hair ...Or even that masked image, raven-like, similar to a full-moon night, lit up by some arcane wisdom, alien to all that has been written and taught by men, beyond life itself... Maybe coming from the other side of Lake Styx... Mother... why should’t she wear your face... or that of Aurelia herself...Wasn´t her face that of the Goddess of Wisdom, Enlightener of her Fate..? Yes, Goddess, make me become your instrument. I will be your voice...

Sibyl, tell me ...I am invoking you...

“Calpurnia ...my little one...sweet Calpurnia...Listen to yourself. Do not use wisdom to refuse the barriers that may prevent you from lore, wherever they could come from. No matter who might have erected them before you...Do search, plunge yourself into that knowledge which came from far beyond us, from the bottom of the sea.”

How on earth could this be just an echo, sounding so painful and tender, so clear... and, however, ambiguous?....“The bottom of the sea”....or maybe seawater? Perhaps some kind of wisdom kept by those who were called “ladies of the rivers and lakes”, of whose existence I had been told that night? How? Who could show me the way to get in touch with them ... or with it? Why should I go on having doubts any longer?

–My lady Calpurnia, I am no more than a priestess of the Goddess. It is not me you should turn to. I am not even qualified to put you in touch with it or entitled to unveil the wisdom of our race to anyone... not even you. If I ever dared consulting our higher priestesses, I would certainly be warned that this is beyond our legacy, my lady Calpurnia.

–Blodwynn...Remember my promise.... Would your....Goddess... accept a great offering ... even if I made it myself? Maybe it would be better that you did it in my name, just as our men present them to Bona Dea through women.

–My good Calpurnia... If you like, I will do it myself. But I am sure that the Goddess wouldn’t mind its coming from your own hands, in spite of your being a Roman. Kornel would even tell you that Bona Dea, Juno, Minerva, Vesta herself... are no more than faces which the same Mother, fertile and loving, takes up. However, you can’t force her will .It is up to her to decide how much you are allowed to learn and how. As for Kornel...I think we should wait until he finally arrives back on Kalendae Iunii when the moon is full. Will you be able to....? Meanwhile, you can sharpen your mood and quieten it by devoting some time to watch your thoughts and emotions serenely, trying to discover a path for the Great mother to notice your restlessness and somehow agree to manifest herself in front of you... Let yourself be listened to, Calpurnia.

That enigmatic sea-blue look, nevertheless, succeeded in keeping me calm. Oh, gods, how could I go on trying to keep this serenity until Iunium? Yes, there must be a way...

I decided to invite Cornelia more often, on the grounds of my interest in that story of those spice wines which she felt so proud of and that had meant such a fruitful business for her, not only among all Roman patrician ladies –there was no Senatorial household without an amphora containing one of her wine varieties – but also among Italian equites’ families and noble homes overseas, where you know that she kept a prosperous trade, apparently only run by herself.

–I won´t admit, as you may imagine, that any tricky butler might keep my recipes in his memory and then, should he become a libertus one fine day... you know what it means.

But she would never tell us who was counselling her on it. It was obvious that she wasn’t doing it all alone: all that stuff related to transporting, exporting and charging money.

–You know, Calpurnia. I am telling you all about this as I am sure that you won’t profit on it. Otherwise, what would all Rome...and your Great Husband... think about his discreet wife spreading such bizarre healing recipes based on wine? Anyway, my dear, I know that I need someone reliable so that, should something unexpectedly unfortunate happen, he or she could keep, treasure all this work I have been researching on for years. I trust you will promise not to tell anyone alive. Go and fetch something to write on, dear. .... Well.... You can use any variety, from Campanian kinds –even Falernum- to those from Northern Italy mixed with Greek ones or even from Hispania, as I once showed you. First of all, you must boil wine with incense and myrrh, which will give it their healing and invigorating properties. Even in some cases you may also add some aloe…or some drops of cedar resin. The same as Blodwynn’s people use.... to preserve their enemies’ heads... We can’t deceive ourselves, Calpurnia. It’s not only what your husband has been telling us about Gallic uses throughout his military campaigns. Though his account may be quite accurate...

I remembered the priestess’ reddish-golden hair and blue eyes, so alien to a death messenger.

–Well, let’s go on.... Besides boiling the wine with resins, we must add spices and herbs that may vary according to each case. Inside our body there is a series... of channels...

She had softened her voice as if trying to unveil something arcane, forbidden to non-initiated ears. I even felt uneasy, thinking of the likely consequences this could bring about.

-…. through which different kinds of life force are transmitted. If we must trigger the force going through the least noble part of our body we should use marjoram and sage or chicory and ginger….For that force which nourishes our sex organs and increasing fertility, it is suitable to choose sesame, caraway, poppy, sage and rose. ...If we want to activate the force that runs through our belly and, therefore, those organs which are related to the assimilation of food and also to sight, we need sage, mint and clove….And it’s even convenient to boil some garlic and onion….If we wish to stimulate the energeia (Yes, that’s the Greek name for it.) which nourishes our hearts, we must use camomile and dandelion, geranium, tangerine and lavender... In order to trigger the force that nourishes the area around our necks and, simultaneously, all our internal organs -particularly ears –we should use cedar, resin, ginger, lemon, cinnamon and even some pepper... We must boil wine with eucalyptus berries, basil, poppy and camomile in order to stimulate the force running between the eyebrows, which is the area that rules intuition... Aren’t you tired, Calpurnia?...I’m just finishing…. There are still some other uses which aren’t related to physical health but regard... the anima...

I took back my calamus, trying not to stain my papyrus.

–Finally, to increase the force that runs through the upper area of our heads, this which regulates the activity beyond...

Cornelia was trying to find a suitable word.

–... For what’s mechanical, I mean, that part of ourselves which can refer to all that can transcend what’s tangible, as you know well, we should use parsley...rosemary.... geranium, orange... Ah! It can also be substituted by myrrh, orange, clove and anise...

I was aware that she was being especially punctilious regarding this point so that I could grasp it as deeply as possible in order to practise it on myself. However, I did not have any means at Domus Publica to emulate Cornelia. What’s more, it wouldn’t be wise of me that the High Vestal should learn about it.

–Nevertheless, though I guess Kornel will get to know about it, don’t tell him much about this issue when you see him. By the way, Calpurnia, which place would you think fitful to meet up with him? Cumae or your Pompeian villa? No...We must be careful about the serfs. Remember that you are not the only Roman family at Pompeii. It should be better at my place. Furthermore, your husband is too busy fighting Pompeius’ followers there in Greece as to pay attention to think about the convenience of his wife spending a few days in the villa of an oldest family friend, though this is his own ex mother-in law...

–But I must be here at the beginning of Iunii, for Vesta’s celebrations. I have to preside over the solemn renewal of Vesta’s fire as the Pontifex Maximus’ wife.

–This reminds me of what Blodwynn once told me.... Both in Hibernia and Britannia there is a goddess to whom a permanent fire is consecrated and whose feast is one of the most important days for those peoples. It is exactly four months before Vesta’s commemoration. She also told me that she was a virgin goddess, served by maidens. Yes, I see it’s true. In fact, all gods are the same. There’s no need for Kornel to remind us about it....

She was watching me slowly, as if guessing each thing passing through my thoughts...Kornel.....

CHAPTER XIV

XIV

Not yet... Blodwynn had stayed by my side all day through... Blodwynn...Flower-woman... Was she that facies inside that jungle of multiple tiny reddish-golden braids, through which those silvery-blue piercing eyes cast their gaze, getting through your bones, triggering that blood stream throughout my breasts? The Gallic-British priestess was watching me in puzzlement but understanding what could be making its way through my thoughts.

–Calpurnia....I think you should go out into that marvellous garden. I did not know that Roman villae might have something like this, such an immense, profound sight! It is incredible, that imposing mountain and the sea below!

Suddenly her blue gaze became dead-like, almost petrified .She lowered her eyelids.

–This morning, while I was watching it from the.... do you call that exedra...?

I nodded.

–....It suddenly ....looked menacing... covered in an ash shroud that spread all over the bay!

Some imperceptible shuddering seemed to invade each of her fibres. This is what I thought to perceive, even though she did not move a single muscle.

–Calpurnia, dear Calpurnia...

Now it was she who was beginning to be aware of my puzzlement. She could read how blocked, how dull and barren I felt at that moment, like so many times before. Anxiously struggling beyond my own apparent weary passivity, striving to violently break that imperceptible petrified crust which made me feel so limited...

–Calpurnia –She held me in a motherly rock-a-by hug. –Just listen to what you might feel at the right time inside you ... Someone may call you ... Then, you must be alert.

Yes, she knew that ... and was also aware that my circumstances were also favourable for me. Like this cloister-like solitude in this Domus Publica, which would be often broken by Marcia, Portia...or my little vestals. Apart from this, what could I do, restricted to being a wife whose sole task is to safeguard my husband’s honour zealously? Nevertheless, there it lay, that blurred idea, waiting for me to carry it out... But how? How much longer should I wait till all of this should be dimly revealed to me?

–The Great Mother... This who is inside each of us... She will make you see... But do not desperately search for her. She has enough sovereignty to let herself be shown whenever she might find it fitful.

I immediately thought of Bona Dea, the Goddess who only consents on being served by women. But this who had been mentioned by Blodwynn seemed to accept everyone’s service, mainly those who were initiated. She could be either a Virgin, or a Mother or a Wise Woman, depending on the face she might wear on each occasion. Bona Dea .... Mater Dea... Virgo Dea.... Mater Sapientiae... Sapiens... Goddess of the Full Moon, fertile and enlightening... Come to me in your brightness, whoever you may be ... Do have mercy on this barren field ...

I woke up, startled, amidst that darkness which was only pierced by those pale beams coming from the peristylium. That dense, blue-grey invading look was still tingeing the quiet air.

CHAPTER XIII

XIII

Unlike what would be predictable, I did not have such a downhearted day as that other night some time before. . However, the weakness caused by so many days of partial fasting made me stay lying on that lectus which still remained impregnated with my own hopeful expectation, the same as so many years ago... Perhaps because in those days I had already started thinking of you as someone different from that uncle-like figure, whose visits home were becoming more and more frequent... Could it be that we used to have you here at Pompeii? My lord... Whose lectus would you have chosen then? Maybe the ivory one...Or that one which had been carved in turtle-shell and agate and was so dear to....

Despite the previous nights’ nourishing sleep, that caressing, reverberating voice still sounded through my thoughts. It might have been tingeing my dreams all those hours since the moment I had finally recovered my hard, limited physical being while blackbirds were resuming their customary early dawning dialogue. At late noon, there came a female voice – not evoking at all, just painful – or maybe virile, free from time, within grey blue sparkles... beyond lulling me, savouring my own name....

–Calpurnia, my Capurnia....

Was it your voice, filtered through that air from far away? Perhaps it could be invading my cubiculum, melting in those sunbeams coming from the peristylium?....Calpurnia, lady Calpurnia... No, you don’t belong here yet... Not yet...

 

BLODWYNN

SHAMANIZED CAESAR

CALPURNIA'S DREAM ( Ultimate paperback edition)