CHAPTER XLVIII

                                                                 XLVIII

-Domina .... domina....

My personal serf’s voice, first soft, then louder, woke me up from outside the cubiculum .mild golden sunlight coming from the peristylium fully invaded our room. Perhaps several hours had gone by since dawn. Maybe too many...You were still cuddled on one side of the narrow lectus. I had felt you shaking all through the night, stirred by reasons which might have nothing to do with that peculiar Epicurean dinner of the previous evening: I well knew that your fragile stomach would prevent you from trying sophisticated delicacies. I decided to get up as you made yourself comfortable across the lectus .

–Domina ....Senator Decimus Brutus is waiting in the tablinium....He wishes to see the Pontifex Maximus immediately.

What would he want of us at this time of the day’

–Tell him that my husband can’t go to the Senate at midday.

–My wife... No, wait.... I’ll personally talk to him.

You had just put on your tunic and the light sandals that you used to wear at home.

–Girl, go ahead and let him know I’m on my way..

–My lord...

I felt that my voice that my voice, though soft, was tinged with some kind of sharpened anxiety.

–No,no, do not talk to him... He’ll try to convince you... No...

I made an effort to suffocate that moan which I was about to let out.

–Calpurnia...

You did not smile but just watched me with the same look as the night before. Distant, slightly scared, almost with worship...

–....No, I will explain it to him. It’s me who must eventually make decisions at any moment... Isn’t your husband the Dictator Perpetuus?

You had taken my face in your strong, slender, pale hands, caressing me like you used to, long before going campaigning in the Gaul. Just like then, touching my curls with the same care as someone running his fingers through a small child’s locks. I opened up my eyes and knew that you had found back that Calpurnilla from the early years..... I then realized that this was an occasion I could not waste, so I ran my lips up and down your neck while circling your thigh with my leg and pressing my breasts on your chest until making you fall onto the lectus. It was I who, for the first time in our marital life, had the initiative, riding you while driving your hands to wander around that skin of mine, full of that desire of fertility which would always spring up those days before my menses...Despite my excitement, I was aware of the amazement in my look, about to get lost in that heartbeat which was speeding up through your body while you remained below, panting in quite an usual way, louder and louder, even indecorously....

–Domina....

–Tell Decimus Brutus that my lord will see him in its due time!!!

That panting scream, tinged with impatient fury, calculated to silence your noisy rattling, certainly scared the poor girl, who was not used to that tone at all. I momentarily thought that this was your destiny, as I could read it in you wild eyes, alien to me that morning. You might have died right then, swept away by some animal-like moaning, bursting inside my womb so that your seed could finally find a shelter there. But it would not be like this. You remained there, lying under myself while we were sharing the same heavy sounding breath, looking at each other in silence. I could have kept you trapped that way until the evening...

–Calpurnia ....

That was the deep paused voice which I had so often listened to away from the cubiculum.

–I must wash myself and see him....

Yes, that voice tone had been designed to dissuade and impose things wisely, as you had always been able to do masterfully.... I pushed myself aside and let things go their way, still trembling with scared pleasure under the furs which covered our lectus.

CHAPTER XLVII

                                                                         XLVII

Yes, I knew that I had to warn you… But, despite all that I was telling to myself, encouraged by Kornel’s words, I could not find the courage to do it, my lord. You did get yourself a wife who was utterly like the mould that you had been searching for after Pompeia Sulla’s failure. A decent matron who would masterfully keep up the appearances…as far as this could suit your plans. Was the Egyptian a model of virtue and discretion, anyway? In spite of it all, something was beginning to relieve that bitterness which had already started to blur my thoughts. I instinctively knew that this absolute though intangible sovereignty over you and everybody else around would not last forever and that her magic, so wisely begotten through a lifetime and helped by blood heritage, had been somehow invaded by an alien force that she could not have ever imagined, coming from someone unknown, whose origin was beyond human limits… No doubt this was what she noticed that afternoon when I went to visit her. Perhaps this was the reason why she might have urged you to exclusively devote your attention to her during those months after your homecoming and, simultaneously, drive you to speed up your imminent proclamation as a Rex and, thus, after your expedition against the Parthians, stay in Egypt instead of returning to Rome and then materialize what you had been thinking about for so long.

That blinding vision amidst myrrh, incense, golden threads and flashing gems masking that little body, so like a youthful mummy….Yes, it was no more than ephemeral architecture, like those bright multicoloured arches decorating the Circus and its surroundings during important ludi. Relieved, I breathed the myrrh, incense and flower essences with which I had made up my ointment, feeling them through my nostrils and skin pores, within my breasts and belly… brand new, alive, full of fruitfulness… enlightening me.

–My child… He may drop in at Domus Publica the day before the Ides. I imagine that Cornelia and Marcia have told you that there will be an extraordinary session of the Senate in the curia of Pompeius’ theatre and he finds it more convenient for him to make himself ready for it here. It is… obvious, isn’t it?

Lucius Calpurnius Piso could not be more explicit. His sad look was giving him away. He must have learnt about your intention of having that law bill passed so that you could legally wed….

–It is nearer, too…. I don’t know if Marcia has told you that Marcius Philippus has invited him for dinner this evening .It’s an exclusive male meeting. That’s the reason why you haven’t been asked to join them.

I was aware that my father felt adamant to speak freely and was trying to find an excuse to leave. Therefore, I made no effort to keep the conversation alive: I knew that it was too embarrassing for him to be forced to play an intermediary role between you and me, being in charge of transmitting you my yearning to see you back and, then, take part in a game that was being censored by most Romans.

Martial festivities passed by. Anna Perenna’s day would be crudely cold that year. Hard Roman winter invaded the eve of the Ides with its damp icy wind. Cornelia decided to stay with me longer as usual, as if aware that I really needed it. Through our intentionally casual conversation, she kept uneasily staring at me, even worried by those waves of green resin-like odours pervading my body. However, this made me feel strangely secure, almost relaxed, as if protected by some kind of solid though subtle intangible fortress.

–No, there’s no Kornel’s message today. He is utterly absorbed by a meeting with some of his contacts. One of them is this Greek teacher, Hector. There are also the aruspex who is said to come from old Etrurian aristocracy and some other Greek grammaticus - I think he’s called Artemidorus. In any case, I know he needs to get in touch with you soon, earlier than you can imagine…

Fortunately, she stayed for a long while after dinner. Something that I really thanked as it helped me get through the hours before your arrival. As you may remember, she was still at home when you eventually turned up. I saw you had noticed the look in our eyes as soon as you walked through the entrance of the triclinium. Both Cornelia and I were beholding someone who seemed to have been invaded by some kind of spectral force. That slight tanning provided by military campaigns had faded off your parchment-like skin after so many months of peace. For the first time after years, your complexion was fully ivory. Those deep worn-out tracks remained on the thinning skin, which clung on the angular cheekbones and prominent, slender emerging nose, alarmingly sharpened, fading inside that unperceivable mist which sprang out of your eyes, now greyer than blue, trance-like, cast far beyond the subtle net of wrinkles which had been sheltering them almost since your younger years….

–Strange days, Calpurnia. …

You had not called me “wife”, as you had used to those scarce nights like this, after that hour of restrained panting, sweat and other kinds of bodily juices… After Cornelia’s discreet departure, you had remained silent, absorbed, as if concentrated on the deep smells of my body, on that tunic of mauve and light blue gauze which highlighted my curves and the darkness of my hair. I fugaciously thought that all this had turned out to be quite effective while I felt almost bitten by your hungry mouth, subdued under your weight and iron-like hands....

–Why strange, my husband?

–It all began yesterday, on my way to the Forum. One of the arúspices suddenly came

 

along. He was this Etruscan whose noble ancestry is said to date back to the Tarquinii, according to so many stories that are told about them… He kept warning me about the Ides of March all the time, over and over again. Why on earth should I be advised or told about what to do or when? The same thing happened this morning! Then, at Marcius Philippus’, where, as you can imagine, the dinner was predictably exotic, among marinated hummingbirds in orange and pomegranate sauce and date-stuffed sea urchins, those folks had the great idea of picking out quite a nice subject to chat about. Which kind of death would each of us choose!!! What did I answer to it? Of course, I’d rather have some kind of quick…unexpected way to pass away.

I was fully aware that you were contradicting yourself unconsciously .Which other meaning could it have, that maddening anguish which made you find enemies everywhere? I felt you sensing death hanging over, though that night your loquacity was struggling to scare away the image of the ghostly Caesar who had visited me not long before.

You made a long pause.

– Perhaps you know that I have thought of going on campaign once again. This time it will be against the Parthians. Maybe the day after tomorrow or at most in three days’ time…. I can’t wait any longer, Calpurnia…. I need action, like before. . As you well know, I’m not the type of man who can reduce his life to the Senate and Palatine Hill. I think that’s the reason why I have suffered this sort of neurasthenia all these months. Perhaps your father has told you that I have called the Senators for an extraordinary meeting tomorrow in order to inform them about my imminent setting off for Parthia… and also that I’m determined to get some special power at all costs and by any means. No matter how unpopular they might be. You must understand it, Calpurnia, This is a desperate solution…

The look in your eyes had grown intense, almost begging. I clearly saw what you were letting me know me beyond your own words. I suddenly felt void, violently despoiled of my own femaleness and pride. It seemed that the fugacious strength which that cloud of scents had conferred me could have vanished after our physical deliverance.

–Caesar, my husband….No…. Do stay by my side tomorrow….

Your eyes got blurry, puzzled....

–What do you mean, Calpurnia…? I have just told you this is a turning point .Not only in my career but, most of all, in my own life. Can’t you see it…?

The tone of your voice, though still tender, trying to convince me, was becoming icier. I shrank back in embarrassment. I realized that any remaining fondness which you might have felt for me was inexorably fading away. “Harden your heart, Calpurnia…What you may have considered a virtue so far has no sense anymore”.

I took a deep breath. You

respected the silence that I kept while my heartbeat was speeding and sweat began pouring between my breasts, groins and thighs, growing icy, stabbing me…. Just like your eyes, now on the verge of panic while watching my wild look.

–Caesar…. No…No… I’ve seen it…I dreamt of it… I saw you in my arms, bleeding all over while many Romans were surrounding us… washing their hands …in your blood.

I listened to my voice. It was mechanical, alien to myself …Sibyl-like? Perchance weren’t you, Sibyl, who, mother-like, had come to help me?

–Gods, Calpurnia, gods…..Is that possible, that I may hear this of such a model matron… At least this is what I have always thought of you so far. I can’t believe a lady of such a social height could have lowered herself to the point of becoming one of so many vulgar superstitious women from the rabble. Like so many others who, as I have heard while dining, waste their time on watching eclipses that don’t exist, lions wandering around Capitoline Hill, slaves whose hands have been transformed into burning torches running along Campus Martis and the Forum in the middle of the night. No wonder they may have been lies which some nostalgic Republicans have spread around in order to increase hatred against my person. Remember, my wife, this might damage you… and also your own father.

Your tone was growing softly menacing. No, I could not draw backwards now…. “Forget about prudence, Calpurnia.”

–Caesar….

My voice, alien again, rose up with amazement at the same time as I felt myself straightened, even stretched by some sort of intangible force.

–You know, I’m well informed about your life… on the other riverbank. Just like everyone else in Rome.

I realized that my eyes were opening up, wild no more but piercing like lightning, sinking into yours, where I discovered a scared shadow. I saw you impulsively draw backwards.

-Caesar, we all know about what you are planning with no need of any conspiracy. Your relative Philippus, my own father and, of course, your uncle Cotta and Antonius…. We are aware that physical and mental health has weakened since your stay in Alexandria. No, do not blame it on campaigning, lack of physical activity or age…Do not fool yourself…Are you so blind as to try to ignore how easily Egyptian palace officers can eliminate those who do not suit their interests with poison? How could you expect any devoted loyalty from a woman who has inherited that family tradition of ruthless ambitious females who are even willing to commit incest so naturally? Caesar...you don’t seem to realize what must happen if you marry her. As soon as she becomes your widow, she will be the queen not only of Egypt but of the whole Roman world as well. Are you really so desirous that hundreds of years’ work, carried about by so many generations of virtuous noble Romans, are doomed to be destroyed by the violent imposition of pitiless Alexandrian palace officers who will be the real rulers and bring about Old Egyptian priestly aristocracy and degeneration, which will swallow all that your ancestors and yourself have built?

I am sure that you fugaciously beheld Hekate’s incarnation in me...or even the Sibyl.

–Caesar... Will you allow so many Roman families’ dignitas to be trodden on...?

You look was firm again.

–Well... I had not thought of doing it yet. Neither should I announce it publicly. But you’ve forced me to do it, Calpurnia. I must let you know ... I beg you not to spread it around for obvious reasons... It is in my will. I have chosen Atia’s son as my heir...Just in case I should pass away with no sons of my own. Therefore, Roma could be kept safe from those wicked claws you see about Cleopatra and all her kin.

However, you were aware that my look and voice were still intensely fierce.

–....Are you so sure that she will not try to convince you so that you change your will? She may also be determined to have your grand-nephew killed. Remember, the boy is frail and his health is poor. All that intelligence of his that everyone talks about.... will it be useful to save him? Do not forget it, Caesar....

I felt unable to call you my husband.

–....All this is utterly predictable about such a degenerated person that is able to have marital intercourse with her brother and has been taught to assassinate since childhood....

My voice had reached some kind of ominous sounding cadence. I could read it in your eyes... No, you did not recognize me.... I was aware that I had succeeded in hardening my voice unconsciously so that I was able to use it in such a way that it had reached a point beyond human limits. Like Cleopatra herself, reborn Isis. I then understood that, right then, at that very moment, I had gained the same degree of ascendancy over you that she had once attained... Yes, there was no doubt about it.

I began to secretly enjoy my success. I could see it crystal-clear in your face, which showed me that you had eventually surrendered... Then you bowed your head and buried it on my breasts so as to remain there, cuddled up, during the rest of the night while I rocked you protectively, sleepless by that unexpected emotion..

 

 

CHAPTER XLVI

                                                                                    XLVI

“ My lady Calpurnia:

It is not only is your Lord who worries me because of this blinding ambition of his, which is about to threaten Rome’s own personality... but also this vicinus from Esquiline Hill who is not even trusted by your husband, who has felt forced to appoint Lepidus as his lieutenant, instead. Why this interest in crowning him in the middle of Lupercii’s race? Is Antonius playing along with the Senate? It is easy to imagine that the Dictator Perpetuus, as you know, has designed the same kind of strategy as at Ludi Latini, bringing a huge number of supporters who had been previously paid –as you may imagine –by his loyal schemers: Opius, Balbus and someone else, so as to be publicly acclaimed as Rex. Of course, Decimus Brutus’ intervention thwarted his intention. Why did... that impudent lascivious fellow have to go on insisting that Caesar should accept the crown? My uneasiness about Antonius is quite different from my former repulsion for him, mainly now that your husband is going to be a Dictator...until his death. If he has not succeeded in being proclaimed king through people’s acclamation, no doubt he will try to attain this by any means, even in quite an unexpected way. It is not simply a matter of intuition. Anyone who knows your husband may imagine that, Calpurnia. I do not fear the risks of an imminent monarchy as much as those which might affect Caesar’s integrity... and also ours as Roman citizens.

If only I could enlighten you as much as I wish and we need!

Cornelius”

“My lady Calpurnia:

I can understand that Cornelia, always so sensitive about you present situation, has not told you anything about it....

I apologise for such a disturbing beginning of a letter, but, from the moment I learnt about it, I have grown aware that I cannot keep you ignoring what is being plotted in the shadows here in Rome. Near Marcus Brutus’ domus there have sprung up graffiti, urging him to take deeds against tyranny by making allusions to his forefather. You know, that who led the conspiracy against the last Tarquinius. No wonder that, as I was explaining to Cornelia, Portia has not let herself be seen in your house anymore. She is a noble soul who does not want to engage you in whatever thing that might happen in the near future...Yes, Calpurnia. It seems that, as at Britons’ Samhain, during the celebration of Roman Parentalia, the Manes crossed the border between both worlds. Such is Marcus Portius Cato’s case... except that he is meant to stay here much longer Than only a few days in February. Yes, I grow more and more aware that, beyond death, he is determined to carry out that mission which had been the core of his life since quite a young age.

On the other hand, it seems that your husband, from his god-like way of seeing things, deals  with what is beyond human nature as if this were his equal, unaware that life itself may  suddenly remind him that he is just a simple mortal, perhaps in some brutally unexpected  way… A human being that is bound to perish and, therefore, is not allowed to manipulate  what Rome has always considered sacred and cannot be submitted to human plotting. Can  you remember any Roman, even any of his preceding Dictators, who dared using... the  Sibylline Books!!! In order to justify what was convenient for their interests? Why on earth  should our quindecemviri have accepted that? Yes, that is clear: Cotta, Aurelia’s brother and  your husband’s uncle is one of them. Aurelia... What would she have thought about  this....After all, she was from gens Rutilia, like your mother, who, nevertheless, might have  owed her nature to your grandmother, something running in a female line. This explains the fact that mother lineage has a great importance among Gallic people and Britons, so that their women can enjoy a situation which would be unthinkable about any Roman matron. If this is so, Calpurnia, you husband is attempting against arcane wisdom by ignoring it, maybe unconsciously. Nevertheless, he is doomed to pay the price for it. We must do something to stop him, my lady...

(Here it seemed that the ink had been changed... or looked fresher, as if several days had gone by between the paragraph that I had just read and what it followed)

I was not wrong, Calpurnia. Your husband wants to justify himself through an old Sibiline prophecy, according to which Parthians could only be defeated by a rex, in order to convince the Senate that he should be proclaimed king before starting the military campaign against Parthians, something which seems to be imminent. Who knows if he is simultaneously planning that famous law bill in favour of polygamy -?- which he would justify through the need of a male heir... I have been informed through my contacts at Subura –Hector, who you already know, and a colleague of his, an aruspex from Etruscan ascendancy called Spurina. They had told me that there is some solid opposition to your husband’s projects. You must have learnt about that unforgettable theatrical performance which upset the Dictator, as he was publicly accused of oppression. But he might have also considered it a sort of conspiracy against his person, instead of the reaction of those Romans who were right to be angry....

Rumour has it that it could happen on the Ides of March, since it is Anna Perenna’s festivity and the celebrations on that day – such a gladiator fighting – may deviate the

rabble’s attention from it. A nefastus day on which trade and legal affairs must remain suspended. No, this is a minor issue for your husband. After having violated a sacred text, what could you expect? Though he may not pay attention to what is sacer, we could be able to make him feel uneasy. Spurinna –who is Brutus’ tutor – might take advantage of his position as an augur to warn him about that. As for the birds to be used in his foretelling rite, we must make sure that he will not have any difficulty to claim that he cannot find their livers or hearts, aware of what a bad omen this would mean for any Roman. Nevertheless, I fear this will not be effective at all. I have remembered that on the day of the battle of Munda, the aruspex could not find the entrails of the victim. However….If this could be made in front of Curia Pompeiana, where it can be watched by many Romans -what a pity that the Forum is so far away!-, it would possible stop him from going on. Otherwise, people would certainly see that he was violating such an untouchable thing by publicly ignoring a sacred Etruscan tradition. Spurinna will previously try to bump into him whenever he goes to survey the works at Forum Iulium so as to remind him how imprudent it is to choose a nefas day for such a seriously important affair. Remember that our history is full of natural prodigies portending mischievous things. Therefore, Spurinna and Hector will try to make a huge number of individuals – such as those who struggle to survive at Subura – believe that they have witnessed…for instance, eclipses, exotic wild animals hanging around the streets or in certain meaningful places. They could even try telling them that they saw slaves who had been transformed into human torches. Anyway, whatever wonder that may be worthwhile being spoken of… maybe on the Ides’ eve or before. Well, let’s think about that.

I have not stopped thinking about that…vision? that you once told me and which could be so useful to us. Of course, you should be in contact with your husband in order to make any attempt to convince him about it, mainly because that eerie experience of yours might have not been any simple hazardous coincidence, Calpurnia…. Please do forget about your modesty and, if necessary, send a message wherever he might be, even if this place is….the Egyptian’s. These days prudence is not a virtue anymore, not even for such a virtuous Roman lady like New Alexander’s true wife.

Harden your heart if this is required, Calpurnia. Do write me whenever you find it necessary

Cornelius”

CHAPTER XLV

XLV

There was no doubt that my letters showed some kind of paradoxical limitation which, however, could turn into boldness and even alarming imprudence as a result of this helpless hopelessness. No, no more should Calpurnia be thought of as that discreet exemplary wife of long ago... I realized that it was impossible to expect anything else of someone who your eyes did not see as a true uxor anymore....Neither you nor most Romans, despite the mistrusting puzzlement that the Egyptian inspired to a large amount of the population. Would it be worthwhile, that I still went on keeping that extreme discretion, mainly at that time when most patrician ladies were utterly alien to Republican matrons’ prudence? No, there was no choice. I had to prevent you from being destroyed by that spectre-like shadow, even if I had to abandon my customary silent cautiousness.

The Ides of February and the beginning of Parentalia were approaching. This year the single thought of what would imminently happen deeply shook that inner being of mine, which had been showing me some kind of reality beyond the tangible world for so many years....

“It is similar to what Samhain festivity means for both Gallic people and Britons. It is the memory of those who no longer live among us and are believed to dwell in another world which is her but we cannot see. They think that the night before Kalendae Novembris both realms join and those mounds which lead to the subtle world open up and send out all those beings that are made of a substance which is alien to all we know. One of the four great annual celebrations, as it celebrates the end of the year and the beginning of the dark season... which is no more than the other side of the bright fertile season, which is hailed on the other three festivals: that which is held on Kalendae Februarii, exalting the awakening of the earth and flowering, that on Kalendae Maii, which celebrates physical sensuousness and fertility and Kalendae Sextilis, which symbolises the harvest. Like Janus, the Goddess is no more than a double-faced reality, in which fruitful life and barren death are but opposite sides...anyway, just as in Rome, Calpurnia, though this could seem unbelievable to you. Why else should our Lupercalia, on which fertility has been prayed for since a remote age, have been celebrated amidst the memory of our dead kinsmen for hundreds of years. Never forget this, Calpurnia....”

No, how could I have ever taken this into account? This year the contrast between fruitfulness and death was something which seemed to hold on to my thoughts and event on my physical being, as if making a desperate effort to scare away this limited

nature of mine –barren, failed, just like a messenger of Death –through whatever thing that might conjure that up, like those magical rites which were held by Gaul priestesses and you informed Romans about...Blodwynn? Why could I almost perceive the Sibyl’s motherly echo clinging onto my skin pores and the slight trembling of my fibres? That voice of real fruitfulness and. simultaneously, the laments of those unearthly female beings of whom I had been told – maybe by Blodwynn or Kornel – and who were Death’s heralds among Britons There were still women who would let themselves be flogged by Lupercian priests’ februa as a last desperate attempt to do away with their infertility....

–Can you believe it? Antonius himself, that lecherous piece of meat, running there, all naked except for his loan cloth.... What would Romulus ...or Apius Claudius the Blind have said? What would the Gracci themselves have made of it? Believe me, Calpurnia... One more sign which makes us see that our old Republic is on the verge of being shrouded. You see, the turn of events should not seem strange to us at all...

Portia... Oh, Gods....Portia.

–It also worries me that he had not let himself be seen for a long time, Calpurnia. As if intending to hide away for some sort of...who knows what kind of plotting!

Cornelia had grown paler. I could clearly see that she knew –or felt – something .

–Fortunately, Portia’s father won’t see how things turn out... Neither will Bibulus. Who knows if, in spite of all, they were the only loyal Romans of our time?

Yes, but Marcus Portius Cato was still present, ghost-like, between his daughter and his nephew and son-in-law, Marcus Iunius Brutus.. Might they be his instruments beyond his physical absence? Who knows if any previous year, perhaps in more than one occasion, I had unconsciously desired to stand there, in front of one of the Lupercii and let myself be flogged until my blood could splash all over my palla , feeling fertility running through myself in some sort of unknown delirium .Had I ever felt that before? Why was I able to evoke it so vividly? No...My skin shrank as I caught my breath?....Yes, I had felt it on those occasions when my fibres and vital organs seemed to dematerialize into invisibility, sliding into ...another world? Could it be that dimension which was said to be inherited from those beings that were woven with a subtlest substance, alien to human solidity?