CHAPTER XXXII

XXXII

Apart from the opinion that Lucius Licinius Luculus might have about enjoying meals

(Thanks, nevertheless, Lucius, for the cherries you brought into Rome and those

gardens of yours that you left to Roman citizens) my father’s dinner at Herculaneum

was not only unplebeian but also brimming with life and freshness due to that large

variety of fish and those carefully prepared, well-balanced sauces, roasts and

dressings. Not to mention the large variety of different fruits which had been preserved

in honey and spices inside the pantry throughout winter and autumn. I could not

remember such an amount of really delicious food in our Pompeian villa. No , I’m sure

that, with no need of thinking twice, both my friends and I would have renounced to our

daily life in Rome and decided to withdraw into this shelter, where not only the air but

also personal relationships were crystal-clearer, calmer, kindly... Here you could feel

yourself bursting with new life, yearning for a real existence and carrying about brand

new things.

–You are about to become quite a significant woman, Calpurnia...This should be

enough to satisfy this anxiety that so often springs through all your skin pores. Why

must you lead the same kind of living during the whole of your lifetime? The fact of

having been living isolated for the last twelve or thirteen years doesn’t mean that, after

your husband’s return, you may be bound to face quite a different lifestyle....

I noticed that Philodemus was trying to cheer me up. But... what should I do to change

that routine-dragged role which I had played for so long? Wouldn’t my long-time

acquaintances still be the same as before? How dramatically would it all change for

me? Obviously I was not expected to start up a group who wished to be devoted to

cultural life. Neither would you be so likely to trust me so deeply that I could afford

playing a crucial role in your political career. Nor would anybody else consider me

such a fascinating, useful woman as to handle me as a mediatrix with you.

 

–What kind of transcendent role could a barren wife play for....New Alexander?

My father and Philodemus gave me a startled smiled after those words that they had

never heard before in my voice and tried to convince me that you and I had had such a

scarce time to ...serenely know each other in a suitable climate that could enable your

seed to hold on to my womb fitfully. No doubt this could come true as soon as you

started spending more time in Rome. Calpurnius Piso, nevertheless, was looking at

me in a way that had nothing to do with his smile and that voice which had been

trained to sound calm.

 

 

Six days before Sextilis Kalendae, some kind of early but intense damp heat began

soaking Rome, triggering our painful pining for Herculaneum. Could it be because I

might be trying to hold on to my former life as an adolescent, to that time immediately

before our marriage? Previously, Antonius had been so unusually gentle as to inform

us well in advance. You had the intention of staying on the other side of the pomerium

until the day that your triumphus could be held. Therefore, it wouldn’t be an

unexpected arrival to which my body should get abruptly adapted. Portia and Marcia,

though, found it fitful to stay with me as they were aware of my mood, apart from some

kind of slight strange prostration, possibly due to the fact of having been urged to stop

my customary massaging. Besides, it would not be suitable that you might notice

anything unusual about me. This recovery of my usual everyday’s life was enhanced

by the joyful news that radiant Portia had just brought.

– Marcus.... Marcus Iunius Brutus....

She couldn’t speak. Assertive, energetic Portia was blocked by her visible trembling.

 

–He is going to marry me... He has bought it for me... The house of... Our house...

Her tears sprang out among her giggling, which she was trying to keep back.... Gods...

Portia, Portia, my Portia...Portia of ours...I think she did not notice that my own tears

were merging into hers. So badly did I need to feel their happiness as mine...

–I think, Calpurnia, that, as Cato’s widow, I must come back home. At least

temporarily. Besides, your husband will need you without anyone else around, you

know....

Poor Marcia! She was trying to raise my spirits up, too.

–Don’t worry: we will visit you as often as we used to, as long as your husband does

not try to take you up.

I tried to hide my quivering through irony while we tasted that hot sweet wine in which

calming herbs had been brewed and the honey pies we would usually eat at that time

of the evening, before remaining alone in my room, getting ready for sleep. I knew you

were fully aware of that ice running through my hands at that moment and of my

burning forehead, my choked stomach amidst that dusk-tinged silence coming from

the peristylium….

– My little Calpurnia, my wife....

I let your dry lips kiss my forehead.

–Have you been ill?

That voice which used to thunder in my head, dense, modulated, sounding, making my

belly vibrate... was now fading, whispering....

 

 

–No, of course…What else could be expected of a wife who is like a newly-wed bride

and, with no previous warning, must welcome an undercover husband who breaks into

Domus Publica , like a criminal, whereas he should be outside the pomerium? No

don’t worry...Antonius won´t know anything about this. Neither will anybody else in

Rome...

Your eyes, further than what’s purely human than ever, in an unconceivable

transparent shade of blue, within that net of deep wrinkles, became miraculously

brighter in your parchment-like face, now paler and thinner. But there wasn’t the

dazzling smile which could have blown away all those ghosts that had been taking

shape since that fateful night and that were now inevitably getting through my anxiety,

which I was striving to suppress as those tender solid hands seemed to deeply know

each muscle of my thighs, all those paths and curves of my hips, belly and breasts...

Just as if you had never really left this lectus during these thirteen years. No, it can’t be

true….How on earth would it be possible, that another woman could also possess this

outburst of life and virile force that is now flowing through my lower belly? I will never

forget the way my sleepy lips uninhibitedly caressed your eyelashes, those tracks on

your face, your nose, sharper than ever. I wonder why I did not notice your hair,

already fully grey and thinner, or your extremely thin body. I think you read my budding

restlessness while lying in silence, your arm around my surrendered body, your head

hidden on my neck. Would I have expected anything else? But, nevertheless, I didn’t

want this, to feel that old anguish, so similar to that sensation I felt at my wedding

night, when I blessed my father for having chosen you for me and I consciously

opened up my being to absolute rendition, expecting, yearning to feel it full of that life,

growing nourished with your seed... I wished you had only warmly, respectfully greeted

me and then gone away, inventing any excuse.... No, no...Gods.. Kornel.. No, despite

it all, I shouldn’t have given up my body anointing. Who knows...No, I should not have

stopped massaging myself.. Perhaps it could have even made you find me... exciting?

Even so seductive that you could have forgotten about ... that devilish snake?

 

–Calpurnia... why should you keep tormenting me like this...?