CHAPTER XLVI

                                                                                    XLVI

“ My lady Calpurnia:

It is not only is your Lord who worries me because of this blinding ambition of his, which is about to threaten Rome’s own personality... but also this vicinus from Esquiline Hill who is not even trusted by your husband, who has felt forced to appoint Lepidus as his lieutenant, instead. Why this interest in crowning him in the middle of Lupercii’s race? Is Antonius playing along with the Senate? It is easy to imagine that the Dictator Perpetuus, as you know, has designed the same kind of strategy as at Ludi Latini, bringing a huge number of supporters who had been previously paid –as you may imagine –by his loyal schemers: Opius, Balbus and someone else, so as to be publicly acclaimed as Rex. Of course, Decimus Brutus’ intervention thwarted his intention. Why did... that impudent lascivious fellow have to go on insisting that Caesar should accept the crown? My uneasiness about Antonius is quite different from my former repulsion for him, mainly now that your husband is going to be a Dictator...until his death. If he has not succeeded in being proclaimed king through people’s acclamation, no doubt he will try to attain this by any means, even in quite an unexpected way. It is not simply a matter of intuition. Anyone who knows your husband may imagine that, Calpurnia. I do not fear the risks of an imminent monarchy as much as those which might affect Caesar’s integrity... and also ours as Roman citizens.

If only I could enlighten you as much as I wish and we need!

Cornelius”

“My lady Calpurnia:

I can understand that Cornelia, always so sensitive about you present situation, has not told you anything about it....

I apologise for such a disturbing beginning of a letter, but, from the moment I learnt about it, I have grown aware that I cannot keep you ignoring what is being plotted in the shadows here in Rome. Near Marcus Brutus’ domus there have sprung up graffiti, urging him to take deeds against tyranny by making allusions to his forefather. You know, that who led the conspiracy against the last Tarquinius. No wonder that, as I was explaining to Cornelia, Portia has not let herself be seen in your house anymore. She is a noble soul who does not want to engage you in whatever thing that might happen in the near future...Yes, Calpurnia. It seems that, as at Britons’ Samhain, during the celebration of Roman Parentalia, the Manes crossed the border between both worlds. Such is Marcus Portius Cato’s case... except that he is meant to stay here much longer Than only a few days in February. Yes, I grow more and more aware that, beyond death, he is determined to carry out that mission which had been the core of his life since quite a young age.

On the other hand, it seems that your husband, from his god-like way of seeing things, deals  with what is beyond human nature as if this were his equal, unaware that life itself may  suddenly remind him that he is just a simple mortal, perhaps in some brutally unexpected  way… A human being that is bound to perish and, therefore, is not allowed to manipulate  what Rome has always considered sacred and cannot be submitted to human plotting. Can  you remember any Roman, even any of his preceding Dictators, who dared using... the  Sibylline Books!!! In order to justify what was convenient for their interests? Why on earth  should our quindecemviri have accepted that? Yes, that is clear: Cotta, Aurelia’s brother and  your husband’s uncle is one of them. Aurelia... What would she have thought about  this....After all, she was from gens Rutilia, like your mother, who, nevertheless, might have  owed her nature to your grandmother, something running in a female line. This explains the fact that mother lineage has a great importance among Gallic people and Britons, so that their women can enjoy a situation which would be unthinkable about any Roman matron. If this is so, Calpurnia, you husband is attempting against arcane wisdom by ignoring it, maybe unconsciously. Nevertheless, he is doomed to pay the price for it. We must do something to stop him, my lady...

(Here it seemed that the ink had been changed... or looked fresher, as if several days had gone by between the paragraph that I had just read and what it followed)

I was not wrong, Calpurnia. Your husband wants to justify himself through an old Sibiline prophecy, according to which Parthians could only be defeated by a rex, in order to convince the Senate that he should be proclaimed king before starting the military campaign against Parthians, something which seems to be imminent. Who knows if he is simultaneously planning that famous law bill in favour of polygamy -?- which he would justify through the need of a male heir... I have been informed through my contacts at Subura –Hector, who you already know, and a colleague of his, an aruspex from Etruscan ascendancy called Spurina. They had told me that there is some solid opposition to your husband’s projects. You must have learnt about that unforgettable theatrical performance which upset the Dictator, as he was publicly accused of oppression. But he might have also considered it a sort of conspiracy against his person, instead of the reaction of those Romans who were right to be angry....

Rumour has it that it could happen on the Ides of March, since it is Anna Perenna’s festivity and the celebrations on that day – such a gladiator fighting – may deviate the

rabble’s attention from it. A nefastus day on which trade and legal affairs must remain suspended. No, this is a minor issue for your husband. After having violated a sacred text, what could you expect? Though he may not pay attention to what is sacer, we could be able to make him feel uneasy. Spurinna –who is Brutus’ tutor – might take advantage of his position as an augur to warn him about that. As for the birds to be used in his foretelling rite, we must make sure that he will not have any difficulty to claim that he cannot find their livers or hearts, aware of what a bad omen this would mean for any Roman. Nevertheless, I fear this will not be effective at all. I have remembered that on the day of the battle of Munda, the aruspex could not find the entrails of the victim. However….If this could be made in front of Curia Pompeiana, where it can be watched by many Romans -what a pity that the Forum is so far away!-, it would possible stop him from going on. Otherwise, people would certainly see that he was violating such an untouchable thing by publicly ignoring a sacred Etruscan tradition. Spurinna will previously try to bump into him whenever he goes to survey the works at Forum Iulium so as to remind him how imprudent it is to choose a nefas day for such a seriously important affair. Remember that our history is full of natural prodigies portending mischievous things. Therefore, Spurinna and Hector will try to make a huge number of individuals – such as those who struggle to survive at Subura – believe that they have witnessed…for instance, eclipses, exotic wild animals hanging around the streets or in certain meaningful places. They could even try telling them that they saw slaves who had been transformed into human torches. Anyway, whatever wonder that may be worthwhile being spoken of… maybe on the Ides’ eve or before. Well, let’s think about that.

I have not stopped thinking about that…vision? that you once told me and which could be so useful to us. Of course, you should be in contact with your husband in order to make any attempt to convince him about it, mainly because that eerie experience of yours might have not been any simple hazardous coincidence, Calpurnia…. Please do forget about your modesty and, if necessary, send a message wherever he might be, even if this place is….the Egyptian’s. These days prudence is not a virtue anymore, not even for such a virtuous Roman lady like New Alexander’s true wife.

Harden your heart if this is required, Calpurnia. Do write me whenever you find it necessary

Cornelius”

CHAPTER XLV

XLV

There was no doubt that my letters showed some kind of paradoxical limitation which, however, could turn into boldness and even alarming imprudence as a result of this helpless hopelessness. No, no more should Calpurnia be thought of as that discreet exemplary wife of long ago... I realized that it was impossible to expect anything else of someone who your eyes did not see as a true uxor anymore....Neither you nor most Romans, despite the mistrusting puzzlement that the Egyptian inspired to a large amount of the population. Would it be worthwhile, that I still went on keeping that extreme discretion, mainly at that time when most patrician ladies were utterly alien to Republican matrons’ prudence? No, there was no choice. I had to prevent you from being destroyed by that spectre-like shadow, even if I had to abandon my customary silent cautiousness.

The Ides of February and the beginning of Parentalia were approaching. This year the single thought of what would imminently happen deeply shook that inner being of mine, which had been showing me some kind of reality beyond the tangible world for so many years....

“It is similar to what Samhain festivity means for both Gallic people and Britons. It is the memory of those who no longer live among us and are believed to dwell in another world which is her but we cannot see. They think that the night before Kalendae Novembris both realms join and those mounds which lead to the subtle world open up and send out all those beings that are made of a substance which is alien to all we know. One of the four great annual celebrations, as it celebrates the end of the year and the beginning of the dark season... which is no more than the other side of the bright fertile season, which is hailed on the other three festivals: that which is held on Kalendae Februarii, exalting the awakening of the earth and flowering, that on Kalendae Maii, which celebrates physical sensuousness and fertility and Kalendae Sextilis, which symbolises the harvest. Like Janus, the Goddess is no more than a double-faced reality, in which fruitful life and barren death are but opposite sides...anyway, just as in Rome, Calpurnia, though this could seem unbelievable to you. Why else should our Lupercalia, on which fertility has been prayed for since a remote age, have been celebrated amidst the memory of our dead kinsmen for hundreds of years. Never forget this, Calpurnia....”

No, how could I have ever taken this into account? This year the contrast between fruitfulness and death was something which seemed to hold on to my thoughts and event on my physical being, as if making a desperate effort to scare away this limited

nature of mine –barren, failed, just like a messenger of Death –through whatever thing that might conjure that up, like those magical rites which were held by Gaul priestesses and you informed Romans about...Blodwynn? Why could I almost perceive the Sibyl’s motherly echo clinging onto my skin pores and the slight trembling of my fibres? That voice of real fruitfulness and. simultaneously, the laments of those unearthly female beings of whom I had been told – maybe by Blodwynn or Kornel – and who were Death’s heralds among Britons There were still women who would let themselves be flogged by Lupercian priests’ februa as a last desperate attempt to do away with their infertility....

–Can you believe it? Antonius himself, that lecherous piece of meat, running there, all naked except for his loan cloth.... What would Romulus ...or Apius Claudius the Blind have said? What would the Gracci themselves have made of it? Believe me, Calpurnia... One more sign which makes us see that our old Republic is on the verge of being shrouded. You see, the turn of events should not seem strange to us at all...

Portia... Oh, Gods....Portia.

–It also worries me that he had not let himself be seen for a long time, Calpurnia. As if intending to hide away for some sort of...who knows what kind of plotting!

Cornelia had grown paler. I could clearly see that she knew –or felt – something .

–Fortunately, Portia’s father won’t see how things turn out... Neither will Bibulus. Who knows if, in spite of all, they were the only loyal Romans of our time?

Yes, but Marcus Portius Cato was still present, ghost-like, between his daughter and his nephew and son-in-law, Marcus Iunius Brutus.. Might they be his instruments beyond his physical absence? Who knows if any previous year, perhaps in more than one occasion, I had unconsciously desired to stand there, in front of one of the Lupercii and let myself be flogged until my blood could splash all over my palla , feeling fertility running through myself in some sort of unknown delirium .Had I ever felt that before? Why was I able to evoke it so vividly? No...My skin shrank as I caught my breath?....Yes, I had felt it on those occasions when my fibres and vital organs seemed to dematerialize into invisibility, sliding into ...another world? Could it be that dimension which was said to be inherited from those beings that were woven with a subtlest substance, alien to human solidity?

CHAPTERS XLII-XLIV

XLII

“My venerable master Kornel:

It is not my usual task to write letters, but I have thought that this would be the most fitful way to get in touch with you. I can see that it is sensible of you not to come and visit me at Domus Publica, even accompanied by Cornelia. She must have let you know that my husband is surrounded by many enemies who are awaiting the first chance to destroy him .The purpose of my letter is to ask you for advice about how to fulfil a promise that I once made to your kinswoman, priestess Blodwynn, in exchange of her help to... You know what I am talking about and how hard it is for me to put it into words, specially these days, when thinking about my own pride makes me feel embarrassed, knowing that my lord’s safety should be my first priority. I promised her that I would have a temple built in order to honour Gaul’s Great Mother Goddess if I could get what I aimed at with her aid. To be honest, I still cannot see if I have really attained that. However, I feel somehow responsible for what is damaging my home since I have not been able to reward your generosity properly.... Kornel, I pray you, what should I do? I miss your comfort and counselling now, though I know that perhaps my duty as a patrician matron is to face this by myself, handling this deep hovering isolation, only broken by Marcia and Cornelia’s loyalty...Is this the real meaning of being Calpurnia Pisonis Caesonina, wife to the future king of Rome? In this period of my life –I cannot deny it –you are replacing that figure which should be embodied by my father ...and perhaps even my husband,

I’ m awaiting your answer with the respect and affection which might be suitable to a pupil.

Calpurnia Pisonis Caesonina”

XLIII

“My worshipped Calpurnia Caesaris, daughter to Lucius Calpurnius Piso Caesoninus.

I am really grateful for that affection that you want to express in your letter, but I consider it improper that you may find something that you should find in your husband within myself, though I quite well know that nowadays it is utterly unlikely to expect that of him, as his worst danger lies among the senators, since, as you know, they are playing a double game. It is strange but it seems that his desire of becoming the most prominent member of gens Iulia is dangerously clouding his mind, causing him to disdain that ancient hatred which Roman people have always felt against monarchy. However, I would not admit that it is this little She-Pharaoh who is fooling him that way... I would rather think that he believes himself to be in the hands of some unavoidable destiny which can only drive him to absolute glory. You know that he is not reluctant to dress himself up in the same fashion as the Tarquinii, Servius Tulius or reborn Jupiter to attend Latin festivity on the last Ides of January...Why should he have set up that parody of hiring people to acclaim him as their king so that he would later make it clear by mentioning Marcii Reges as his ancestry, as if unaware of what it all meant, this playing on words? He is trying to find a subtle means to be officially accepted as a king. And he knows that there are all kinds of opinions about it. Therefore, any unanimous acclamation would be unthinkable.... Calpurnia... you know that I have contacts not only on Palatine Hill but also in Subura...I will do my best to get as much information as possible on anything that could be being plotted against your husband.

Frankly speaking, Calpurnia, I think that there is some frightening solid truth about that...You husband is going too far. As for the promise which you made to Blodwynn, do not worry about it. Some day Cornelia will give you a copy of our Astarte image from Gades so that, with your consent, we will put it in a suitable place, even in Cornelia’s domus. Moreover, we know that she has plenty of acquaintances who can spread her cult everywhere. It could even be masked as Venus Felix worshipping, for instance.

Do not hesitate to write me whenever you think that you should.

May the Fortunate Goddess veil your life and your husband’s.

Cornelius”

XLIV

“My good master Kornel:

Your letter did me really good....But I do not wish you might think that the affection which should be addressed to my husband is being channelled to your feelings. Am I really doing it...? I hope you will understand this sort of... rambling, caused by this void loneliness –Yes, I think this is the right word – around myself. I fully thank your care and all your efforts to inform me about whatever sign which could prove that something is really being plotted against my husband. As for the offering I promised, I am sure that the Goddess will understand my tarrying and, therefore, she will not mind waiting..

Do receive all my daughter-like affection.

Calpurnia Caesaris”

CHAPTER XLI

XLI

It might have been that thing which you had to face within my body that night…. or you

could not find in me what would lead you to justify your leaving me alone long before I

could wake up, day after day after that night, obviously encouraged by that presence

beyond the river. I could only get news of you through Marcia or Cornelia, who would

let me know everything she could learn through her family and friends, such as the

Senate’s idea of approving a series of special honours like diverse commemorative

festivities which would remind Romans of your Hispanian victory or devoting a

bloodless day to yourself in all the ludi to be held from then on. They also meant to

erect your statue on Capitol Hill next to… those of ancient kings!!!, whose attributes

you had been allowed to wear in public, just like a new Tarquinius or Servius Tullius….

–Even a temple which would be….twinned to that of Concordia. It’s even said that,

during the celebration of next Lupercalia, he has the intention of donating a

considerable sum of money in order to create an order of equites lupercii that will be

called Lupercii Iulii. No wonder he may be trying to avoid your contact… Now he is in

…. What could I say?...a different existential level. So you must think about how to face

it.

–I think that this excitement at this ... turning point? in Gens Iulia’s history is disturbing

him beyond what was said about him during his latest military campaign...Can you

 

imagine that, when a senatorial committee went to the temple of Venus Genitrix to tell

him about their intention of conferring him all those honours, his answer was an almost

violent refusal? I think he is aware of the Senate’s hidden purposes, that all of it is a

plot to finally undermine his prestige and destroy him.

–Do not discard either reason .Your husband is an exceptional man and, therefore -you

know this much better than I–his personality will be especially prone to great

contradictions.

No doubt Lucius Cornelius Sulla’s daughter was deeply aware of it.

–Until the day he....disappears he will remain split between the temptation of the

greatness that lies beyond what’s simply human and the cautiousness which his

intelligence and cunning will impose on him.

Yes, I could not deny it. That had happened the day when, unaware of how my serfs

 

could distort whatever thing that might be said inside Domus Publica, you arrived home

in panic while it was getting dark, so alien to that husband who I believed I really knew,

away from that leader whose legions would blindly follow and Iulus and Aeneas’

descendant. Just a poor handful of sickly fears, lacerated, out of control... I

momentarily feared that you had fatefully included my own father and me in that

conspiracy of traitors who could be planning to cut your life short. And that unknown

voice, deprived of any harmony and control, suitable to a poor drifting human waste...

No, I realized that I couldn’t allow myself to cradle and comfort you in my arms...No,

that being who seemed to have possessed you would violently reject, even despise me

...I felt strangely relieved by the probability that the shadow who inhabited the gardens

next to the Tiber could have also been the victim of that force which was getting hold of

you so ruthlessly....

–Calpurnia ... Calpurnia...Aren’t you listening to me?

–Yes... Excuse me, Marcia......I was just thinking of Cornelia has just told us...

–I heard my father say so...I think you shouldn’t tell your husband about it. The Senate

 

will approve those measures during Saturnalia, while he’s away from Rome.

Cato’s widow watched me for a long while, understanding what my puzzled look

seemed to be telling her. No, I did not know that you had the intention of spending

Saturnalia away from home. You had not even asked me if I wished to go with you....

 

–I think Marcus Tulius has a villa not far from Rome. No wonder they may have

planned to meet up there.

–Thanks for letting me know, Marcia. I’ll try to keep my father unaware of this, 

although, you know, he would obviously understand it.

I felt a sudden blast of thankfulness running through. Not only for that truth that, though

being painful, they were unveiling to me but also because they also supplied that

anguishing need of warm sincerity and emotional support which were gnawing at me. I

fully understood that I was bond to spend the rest of my life that way: buried under the

 

immense loneliness of Domus Publica while generations of young Vestals would pass

by, considering me just some kind of dusty ghost hanging over on the other side of the

house. For this reason, I felt urged to strengthen my emotional bonds to those people

who really seemed willing to keep them.... Kornel... If only I could... Yes, perhaps by

then, as rumour had it, you would have already wed the She-Pharaoh so that you could

settle in Egypt. Yes, after all, if you left someone as your lieutenant in Rome, this would

be Lepidus instead of this Antonius, able to spy on me so ruthlessly that he will even be

willing to destroy me if this meant any profit for him... Kornel... Yes.... more than once I

had found myself yearning that Cornelia might slide some other crimson tube with her

seal in my hands .I was afraid she would notice my silent anxiety. Anyway, as if

invoking him, every day I would anoint my body with that ointment, focusing my

thoughts on each occasion he had made himself present in my life, either personally or

through his letters, evoking everything he had told me... He had even turned into a

spectre-like presence throughout my daily life, as if I were unconsciously trying to find

a shelter for this uncertainty in which I felt myself sinking... yearning for a support which

neither my father nor my friends could give me. I even came to desperately desire to be

taken away by him, kidnapped in that distant island on the other side of our sea, inside

that cave almost under the sea, feeling the Sibyl’s salty damp voice in my skin pores...

 

Sibyl... Mother... Is this my ultimate destiny? Drying off in Domus Publica, forgotten by

almost everyone and thus be somehow sublimated.... Sublimated.... What for....? No, I

discarded the idea of going to Cumae in search of him. The future King of Rome’s wife

must stay in Rome all the time he should be here just in case... Again that piercing ice

that I could even feel breaking my veins... I knew it could be imminent. I had learnt –

through Marcia or Cornelia, as usual –that you constantly wore your cuirass under your

 

toga, though your personal guard would have been enough for your protection. And

also that you even had your trustiest serf crucified, as he was thought to have tried to

poison you. Nevertheless, you were still reluctant to see her scheming hand in all of

that.... I suddenly remembered the promise that I had made to Blodwynn. To erect a

temple for Mother Goddess, even in the name of one of our deities. Enlightened, I rose

up. But….how to tell Cornelia about it? No, she’d simply do as Kornel would. She

would be discreet, too.       

CHAPTER XL

XL

At the end of Sextilis, my father told me that you were staying outside the Pomerium,

making arrangements for your triumphus, and that rumours had it that you had the

intention of writing your will.

– Caesar seems to be in haste for it. I think he’s going too fast….

I suddenly thought the dark rings around his eyes had gone deeper. He did not add

anything else. It was quite obvious that he was sharing my fears. He did not even

suggest that I go beyond the Pomerium to visit you. I understood his silence. He had

the duty of taking your will to the Vestals so that they may keep it until the day of…

The celebration of your victory over the last Pompeian resistance was held a few days

after Kalendae Octobris . Perhaps due to the fact that I had somehow accepted my

 

failure and also because of what I had learnt about your poor health, I did not feel that

tearing unease which had taken hold of me that daybreak long ago, when your triumph

over Vercingetorix was being celebrated. Though the sun had just risen, the day was

so humid and hot that I could have grown sick, as usual. Sitting on the benches that

had been set for your relatives in the Forum, next to Rostra, I had the feeling that all

the atmosphere around was more funeral-like than according to what could expected of

a real triumphus, which should have been cheered by a frenzied crowd. Obviously, it

 

could not be such a brilliant parade, as there were no war booties to display since

sacking had been forbidden. You had not even taken the valuable treasure of the

temple of Melkart-Herakles. Maybe its sacred importance and all the memories it

brought into your mind had dissuaded you from doing that. The only thing Roman could

witness was the display of huge pictures, the first of which depicted your solitary attack

on Pompeian troops, just sheltered by a borrowed shield. The silence inspired by this

sight was immediately broken by a wave of loud murmuring, caused by the exhibition of

Gnaeus Pompeius’ head in the Forum of Hispalis. That murmuring increased as the

parade went on, showing the deaths of Labienus and so many other Romans, whose

friends and relatives were then watching what was meant to be the celebration of your

glory …and the presence that was coming nearer and nearer, all clad in purple and

crimson –starry mantle, gold-embroidered tunic –carried along on that golden chariot,

with Jupiter’s crown over that laurel-wreathed head… Some convulsing shiver made

me loose consciousness of my body solidity… Hadn’t I really seen you, all covered in

blood springing out of your face, chest, belly and legs? Could it have been that

someone–perhaps Atia –had held me tight so as to stop me from rushing ahead to hold

you in my arms? When I woke up, I saw myself lying in my cubiculum with Atia next to

my lectus. She told me you were in the public dinner that you had planned to have in

order to involve common Romans in your triumphus and to which I would be unable to

attend due to my frail health.

–Luckily, I managed to grab you before you might fall off the benches. Don’t worry,

nobody paid attention to it. Everybody had their eyes on the incident that happened in

front of the Tribunes’ place. It means that one of them refused to stand up as the

 

imperator was riding past. Consequently, Caesar angrily rebuked him. To speak the

truth, Calpurnia, your husband must be strong, very strong and also severe to Rome.

Unlike what everybody may believe, Republican resistance is still deeply rooted here

…. I hope you won’t mind my returning to the dinner, will you? If he doesn’t see you

around, he will be worried. Therefore, I will tell him there’s nothing to care about.

Yes, sure, there’s nothing to care about. No, I don’t think she…the cobra…might have

attended the banquet .How on earth could you have had the idea of planning such an

extravagance which had already been criticised during the first celebration of your

 

triumphi? .What could you expect to get from it? In spite of all those thoughts, I knew I

had to get ready to face your imminent arrival, as this time our reunion would not be

like so many others before. The threat of your…mental disturbance? obsession?... was

standing in front of me, as solid as your sudden appearance, preceded by the silence

of your cautious feet…. No, that shadow of blood, madness and dead-like paleness

was no more there… Only your sad, tender, almost ravishing smile and your intense

transparent look

–My….

I could not understand the rest of the sentence. Was your voice so whispering or

maybe blurred by some tears that slightly damped my neck? Was this really you, my

lord….? Perhaps was this a spectre that was somehow biding me your farewell since

you might feel powerless to do it by yourself? I even came to believe this during the

rest of the night, when you did no more than lying like that, your arms around me,

uselessly seeking for that force that could shelter you from that other which was

inexorably unbalancing your mind, shattering your health, determined to throw you into

the abyss…in exchange for you own divinity. Should this have happened long before, I

would have responded to your embrace, cradling you on my breasts to bring you some

comfort… But that night I felt blocked, clumsy, all disabled by that subtle misty power

coming from you and that I could feel impregnating my skin pores….what could this

panic which had got of me be but the same which I certainly knew well, despite what

anybody else could think, the same fear which had been haunting and disturbing your

mind? Why should I think that she might also feel the same thing as me, as soon as

you would find a chance of making his way beyond the Tiber once again? Even then, I

still hoped that her powerlessness would clear up your thoughts, encouraging you to  

restore that old bond to me, disabled after so many years of distance. Why could I still

feel so willing to dream….?

When I woke up, it was quite early in the morning. You were still asleep, almost

lifeless-looking. I would have stayed there forever, embracing you, listening to your

warm heartbeat through your back…Yes, I quite knew this might be the last time I

could have you like this, so private and vulnerable… I remained drowsily lying on that

wet back, slightly trembling, listening to the flock of birds which were waking up on the

 

cypresses of the peristylium…Again that silence. Perhaps the small vestals were

awaiting your visit, worried because you had not greeted them immediately after your
 

arrival. What would happen if …their Pontifex decided to settle down in Alexandria?

Would you delegate your office in anyone else? Would I be forced to share my life here
 

at Domus Publica with another family? Or would I simply be sent out of this place and

atmosphere which, after so many years, have become a part of my own nature, even
 

more than Calpurnius Piso’s domus? The cold trembling came back to my fibres,

causing me to fear it could be transmitted into your own flesh, which I felt slightly

arouse, almost imperceptibly… until your weight fell on my belly, panting, boiling,

invading me with your breath, which, in the midst of your sleepiness, might be

searching for another respiration, alien to mine, no doubt… That absent mouth strove

to possess my shoulders whereas, deep down inside my womb, a strange force that I

was trying to identify was desperately ascending, struggling to scare away that

hovering spectre-like mist which threatened to annihilate you. … No, this time it was

not that blind deliverance from the other nights. I somehow felt my body impregnated

with some kind of fear-drenched, dead-like viscosity… Had I given myself to a spectre’s

arms?

 Your body heavily fell on one side of the lectus, maybe disappointed for not having

been able to find that salvation you yearned for within my body….. 

CHAPTER XXXIX

XXXIX

 

 

Could it be that I was about to destroy that sublime, apparently solid power which had

matched the Solar God from the West to the Fertile Goddess of the Nile? The fact of

cherishing such a power was dazzling me even more than the budding hope to have

you back, which later on would seem quite a tangible thing. A few days later, on the

Ides of March, Anna Perenna’s festivity made us evoke what was really celebrated

more vividly than ever: the rebirth of nature, the renewal of the earth with new life force,

incipiently fertile. A strange hopeful unease had taken hold of my belly for the first time

after so long. …I suddenly remembered what Blodwynn had once told me about that

festivity which was celebrated on the first day of the previous month and which had the

same meaning. It was devoted to the virginal face of the ´Great Goddess. “It is Birgitt’s

feast, the day of the Wise Maiden”. Could there be any Goddess of ours who had a

similar role? Maybe Minerva…or Diana.

 

–Your husband, my little one….He has crushed Pompeian resistance in Hispania..

 

Many cities in the province where he used to be a quaestor as a young man, Hispania

Ulterioris, have suffered heavy fines, including his friend Balbus’ hometown. It is said

that Gnaeus Pompeius‘ head was exhibited in the Forum of Hispalis… Caesar’s return

is only a matter of matter of few months.

Was it proper of my father to show such a perturbed emotion… more adequate to my

mood than to a father-in-law who considered his daughter’s husband mainly a solid

social support? Yes, no doubt it was I who should display such an emotion, mainly

when that seemed to confirm the hope which had started growing inside myself a

month before. All that intuition seemed to develop, becoming diaphanous like a

tarnished mirror that had suddenly recovered its cleanliness after being purified with

those emanations coming from resins and scared plants. That knowledge which was

inexorably growing inside me like some kind of new life would make me see the dark

 

side of the next triumphus which would be held across Rome, something quite different

from my father’s intentions. Lucius Calpurnius knew all that that was being chatted
 

about in the senate and in the Forum, those things he would never disclose to me but

that I would finally learn through Kornel. None of my friends wanted to anguish me. But

I eventually got to know that the opposition against you was much broader and more

ruthless than I had previously imagined. Despite your victory over the supporters of

 

“our good old mother Republic”, there was still an immense group of Romans, both

patricians and plebeians, who were not determined to see what they held as the true

root of their identity and tradition being crushed by a demagogue-supported aristocrat,

almost five hundred years after the creation of a concept of Roman greatness which

was based on resistance against tyranny. A sort of subterranean force was growing,

willing to sharpen its most wicked wit in order to reach their goal. It was Marcia who,

accompanied by Cornelia, told me about the reason why Father looked so uneasy.

–I’ve known it through my father and, obviously, his wife, your husband’s niece… It

seems that, just on the verge of the final battle he suffered … some kind of breakdown,

like that which paralysed him at Tapsos. You see, he has forced his health dangerously

for a lifetime and now, at such an old age, his physical state has started to decline.

What’s worse, just when he is expected to need more energy than ever before.

Therefore, any fainting could turn out to be really disastrous. His enemies aren’t Cato

or Bibulus anymore, straight human beings who would openly express their disliking.

There are many deadly vermin instead, Calpurnia, even among those who inspire him

more trust….

They even told me a lot more. Your legions, discouraged by having been denied any

access to war booties and the fact of being considerably less numerous than

Pompeius’ supporters, remained totally reluctant to fight while your voice was

desperately growing weaker and weaker after quite a long barren rallying, even walking

through the ranks of legionaries, exhorting each of them. Something nobody could

have ever imagined of you. My friends also let me know that you dared taking off your

helmet and sword and, in some sort of mad suicidal attempt, thrust yourself that armed

crowd you had in front, only protected by a shield which was not even yours. This was

a truly convincing sign to drag your troops into battle. This was the point when some

kind of legend rose up, according to which you did not even suffer a single scar in spite

of the numberless arrows raining over your body. All your men were convinced that it

had been your mother Aphrodite who had protected you, though the augurs had

predicted this was not a suitable day for a battle, as much as she had cared for our

legions so that they won on that day….No doubt she had fully shown her gratefulness

for that magnificent tribute that you had offered her on Campus Martius,no matter that

her effigy should have shared prominence with the golden statue of the incarnated

goddess. Perhaps she might be showing her own approval of this new phase in your

life, your aim at spreading your would-be royalty into Egypt. No, I could not admit they

were no more than feverish collective obsessions, very similar to those prodigies that

many believed to have seen in the sky and which could have portended something that

would certainly disturb our daily life. Quite an important thing had been that palsied

uneasiness I found in Cleopatra’s eyes, as if discovering some kind of living being

inside me that could be invading that impulse of hers, which she had initially driven to

get wherever she chose, beyond her own human limits and what many Romans still

call moral principles. No, I well knew this thought could be rather a wish than a real

thing which might really count for Rome’s future. But such a tangible thing could not be 

just an abandoned wife’s yearning….Nevertheless, I still had the hope that, seeing you

faint in the decline of your life and harassed by subtle invisible enemies, the Goddess

might no longer feel attracted to the Divine Lover from beyond the Nile. I suddenly

realized how mean of me all this was, basing my last hopes on you own decay. After

all, this was what she really expected. I remembered Kornel’s words. Yes, I must save

him from that serpent at all costs.

–What does the Senate intend by anticipating so many honours while he has not still

 

arrived back? Yesterday, taking advantage of Palilia celebration, a chariot race was

hastily organized in his honour inside Circus Maximus. What’s more, fifty thanksgiving

days have been decreed…for having defeated Roman citizens. No wonder that nobody

paid any attention to the procession of both his own effigy and Victoria’s through the

streets. Quite a brilliant bizarre idea! Can’t they think this will only increase your

husband’s unpopularity among Roman citizens?

Evidently, Cornelia saw it as crystal clear as I. Not all the blame should be put on that

woman on the other side of the Tiber. There might be quite a more a complex ring of

connections than it would have been initially thought of, involving people who did not

even know they were interconnected….. Why may these thoughts have come to me?

This time I did not have Kornel around to encourage them….

–Let’s hope your husband will have a bit of common sense and keep his feet on the

ground, seeing what awaits him.  

Who would dare advising Goddess’ descendant? Aphrodite’s child, the man who was

forced to return in a litter for the first time in his life, dragging a body that had been

shattered by exhaustion, stomach frailty and that disease I had been recently told

about and that had struck you right before your final battle in Hispania. This had really

alarmed me, though not having been informed about what had truly happened. I clearly

saw that Death had left an invisible knife cut on your face, a fact which you would try to

 

ignore whenever any aruspex would foretell a bad omen, something you had always

sneered at, despite your studied defence of your divine lineage. I well know that your

sceptical view of supernatural things is not such as many think and I am sure you have

already begun to feel its imminence even before going to Hispania. Portia told me that

as soon as you were back in Rome you met up with Marcus Iunius Brutus, her brandnew

spouse, so that he could inform you about his management of Cisalpine Gaul. I

also learnt about how disgusting it had been for you that …Servilia’s son had married

the daughter of that man who was fatefully bound to hang over you beyond death.

Death, no doubt, imperceptibly invading you…I really feared your homecoming, unable

to face a husband who had definitely turned into a spectre, no matter how solid and

panting your physical contact could be… I even discovered myself relieved by the idea

that someone who lived on the other side of the river could be the recipient of most of

your virile energy. Nevertheless, could she still be enabled to keep your life force

hanging on her? Perhaps I was daydreaming on my own potential might, which I

momentarily found as powerful as to remove that sort of stormy sea-like force and learn

about all that little body contained by means which could be even beyond tangible

reality.

During one of her almost daily visits, Cornelia gave me a tubular crimson leather

container which had her own seal.

“Calpurnia Caesaris, beautiful and sweet…

 

I arrived back Rome a few days before your husband’s return. Yes, I know he will not

  

make his official entrance until the celebration of his…fifth triumphus? I sincerely think

this is an extremely bold thing that Romans will never forget after witnessing all that

show about Cato’s and Scipio’s deaths. According to what I have been told in Gades,

nobody discards his….divinization!!! As far as I know about him, this would only mean

a new challenge which would certainly dazzle him, despite the risk of all the predictable

consequences it may have in his life …
 

Would it be possible for you to remain wide awake and alert? Yes,. I know it is rather

stupid and unrealistic to ask this of you, as, apart from the Egyptian, you are the person

he is supposed to see most frequently here in Rome and also because someone who

  

claims to descend from Iulus or Aeneas will not consent that any common human being

might tell him which way to go. Notwithstanding all this, you know that if he insists on

following the steps that Fortuna has prescribed for him, we will find ourselves

immersed in a lifetime’s tyranny, not only of a Roman but also of a female Pharaoh as

well, which would mean that Roman world would be ruled from Egypt and the

subsequent danger of having some blockheaded upstart as the Great God’s

representative here in Rome… You know who I am thinking about, don’t you? I have

no intention of becoming the saviour of the Republic’s old values as I did in the past. I

  

have been a simple privatus for decades, too many decades, and my world, parallel to

the Roman one, has remained almost alien to it. Sometimes I think it is just a matter of
  

sentimental reasons, so many years of coining some kind of ….dignitas ,virtus…. And

then all of it ends up under the shamelessness of depraved oriental palace officers and
  

outrageous Romans. No wonder one fine day liberti may become consuls or whatever

word that may be given to those would-be representatives of …royal?...or maybe divine

power? Your blood is not only Calpurnian but Rutilian as well, like your mother-in-law’s,

through your respective motherly families. In spite of your fatherly lineage, you’re totally

different from all this pack of assassins who murdered all that our mother Rome had  wrought. The most serious thing is that many, many think the same thing as us… and

they may even be willing to give a dramatic solution to this, what might turn out to be

an even more foolish way out than not doing anything to change the run of events. I do

not intend to darken your mood recklessly. I just desire, intensely want you to do your

best through your intuition. Maybe your father has already told you about it, that your

husband is growing seriously limited. Before the battle of Munda, not only did his moral

strength fail but also his ability to encourage his legions. I personally think he recklessly

thrust himself against Gnaeus Pompeius’ troops so that he could eventually end up

with his life, instead of seeing that as a desperate attempt to encourage his legionaries.

Yes, Calpurnia. That…oriental influence? is possibly damaging his mood and mind in

such a way that one fine day he could either feel like Quirinius himself or see assassins

everywhere.

By the way, he has demanded an important tribute from all those cities in Hispania that

were disloyal to him, including Gades and the riches contained in its temples…except

Venus Marina-Astarte’s.

May the blood of our noblest ethereal ancestors enlighten the path which you are

bound to follow.

Cornelius”

 

With no helmet or sword…Only sheltered by a shield, alone, thrusting yourself into the

bosom of the…abyss? I felt reluctant to use the real word. Oriental influence…Oh,

Gods, that austere stomach of yours being forced to the ingestion of over-spiced

meals. What else could there be in them which might contribute to perturb your mind?

Yes, my suspicions were becoming more and more solid and well-defined. What else

could be expected of someone who in his early twenties felt enabled to possess the

world and had such a ruthless ambitious nature? Yes, Kornel was right. I had to do

even what was beyond my own possibilities to save you from that which you had

 

chosen to approach, after that military aruspex’ s inability to find the hearts of those

sacrificed victims at Munda….. Kornel….Kornel… If only I could be in direct contact

with him so as to join our efforts…

What about Cornelia? Anyway, she had been your mother-in-law and she had some

kind of influence on you… But, no, Gods… Not even would Aurelia herself have been

able to dissuade you…