CHAPTER XXIV

XXIV

Not only were they the puzzled ones. Even I felt my own skin alien to myself. Apart from that indelible fragrance of resins and herbs which would probably remain under my skin pores in the years to come, maybe giving out some kind of….breath?...which could be almost inebriating to anyone nearby… and that bewilderment, rarely lucid and enlightened, which came over me from time to time, more and more often…I knew it wouldn’t be wise to go out, In fact, except that getaway with Kornel from a few days before, I had always remained cloistered there. Perhaps this was what I had been bound to from the beginning,,, Only that it had acquired a new sense : Calpurnia’s realm, occult, close except for a few chosen ones…Was this also the one that must belong to the Wise Queen, whose aim is to neutralize the incarnated Goddess?

–Calpurnia….

Kornel, once again, had taken off the hat which veiled his face, something that he wouldn’t have needed since he had arrived in Cornelia’s litter. He had found out what time of the day would be more suitable to get here without the risk of meeting any vestal either next to my rooms or at the entrance of Domus Publica. He was aware of which precautions to take now that Antonius….

–He must be thoroughly enjoying it all. No wonder, Calpurnia…. Once again I beg you excuse my brutal frankness but I deeply know this new race of Roman patrician that recent history has brought us and I can see it crystal clear: in a short time Rome will be transformed into a big circus. Wasn’t it enough, all that endless succession of games and shows which politicians like your husband himself have given us? And this is only the beginning: I know, don’t ask me why, I simply know that perhaps in a hundred years or maybe fewer, there will be individuals who will hold as much power as your husband – though this may be difficult for you to believe – in spite of the fact that the old republican system of magistrates remains. They will be influential enough to transform Rome into…a whorehouse. Do not tremble, Calpurnia. This is no more than a logical consequence of what we see today… Not to mention that ceaseless increasing violence. During hundreds of years all those who wield power over Rome will be killed … and perhaps, over one thousand years later, when our city faces a totally different world, the circus will return… But I do not blame your husband or the ones who will come after him. As you can imagine, it has all been the consequence of a continuous outwearing: only characters like Cato represent a testimony of true solid Rome…And many Romans know this.

Unlike my friends, he did not seem to be amazed by my new countenance. Perhaps this was what he was looking for…What would be the next step to take?

–Do not pay heed to Antonius: he is too concentrated in his enthusiasm… and himself. Neither must you get obsessed about your honour, Calpurnia… I do not think he might have permanent spies camouflaged in Porticus Margaritaria. However, I don’t deny that I should be cautious regarding my visits, even if I come with Cornelia.

I well knew that he could not speak openly with her around, though I had realized that she was aware of everything that had lately happened to me. Above all, I was eager for this war between Romans to finish at once and, consequently, for your return so as to scare away the danger of any kind of seduction alien to the natural resources used by any woman to blind a man, no matter if the seductress could be an incarnated goddess. Cornelia… perhaps was she on the verge of fainting….? She had remained silent and wax-like since her arrival… Kornel’s discreet looks at her showed that he was fully aware of that thing which was upsetting her… Eventually, seeing my eyes wide open, fixed on her wild ones, they saw themselves forced to speak out.

–Calpurnia, my little one… It might be one of so many rumours… The Magister Equitum hasn’t confirmed that yet. This makes us quite uneasy…. It has spread all over Palatine Hill and the Forum throughout the morning…

No, there was no need to go on trying to speak. An invisible shroud-like mist, the same that was blurring all the hills, had made its way though the walls of Domus Publica. Through it, Kornel and Cornelia were no more than ill-defined figures, speaking without words, scrutinizing my look that I felt void….

–No, no, no… I have never forgotten to renew my vow to Bona Dea, you know that, Cornelia… Bellona’s temple!…Was it… perhaps… an omen?

Kornel was trying not to answer that question…Yes…. No, no… Would you have ended up like Pompeius? One more victim of court intrigues in Alexandria?...Some sour thick outburst blurred my senses amidst my heaves…

One of my servants –I couldn’t make out which one –- was despoiling me of that wet sticky tunic.

- Domina…Lady Cornelia says that you must stay in bed … and has insisted on being driven to the kitchen itself.

And there she was again, making me swallow that brewing made with several kinds of leaves and flowers which she had managed to improvise before the startled eyes of those servants who had never seen one of their masters within their realm. My good Cornelia, always so determined to ignore what is proper for a patrician in order to get her purposes.

–My darling one… I’ll remain by your side the rest of the day. Kornel has decided that the wisest thing for him to do is to go away. My litter will be returned in its due time.

–Cornelia… what am I meant to do if…? Should I send for my father…?

–Well … if this is so important…. Why should you?

–Lucius Calpurnius Piso is…. the keeper of …. Caesar’s will…It is kept at the Vestals’. As his father-in-law… he must deliver ….his funeral speech….

– Calpurnia!!!!!

CHAPTER XXIII

XXIII

Despite Antonius’ hovering shadow and the consequences that all those consciously experienced sensations might cause on myself, that night I shut myself into my room, when feeble moonlight was a little more intense. Again the same repelling drive against that sour-and-sweet scent…. Would I really resist it to the end? Anointed on those red golden beads around my neck which fell over my waist, that soft crystallized glow merging into that liquid note torn from the harp, echoing within that voice which could be mine, unfolded within myself, around me, whirling around my thoughts. Could I submit that nausea which was springing up? I decided to watch it, face to face, scrutinize that sour thing which was shaking through my throat , weakening me, making me feel like a coward, showing me how reduced and little I was… Nothing to do with New Alexander or that that divine force incarnated inside a queen who lived in the East of the Roman world. Definitively this made me think that I possessed some natural power which enabled me to look into the eyes of that quivering that which was shaking my own roots like a snake waving up through my life points , those power knots which I was trying to strengthen… That snake – a cobra? –had stood up in front of me, sneeringly “ Calpurnia, plain Calpurnia… who do you thing you can compete with? “…I remembered wisdom serpents Gallic priests always spoke about. This quietened me up. I tried to listen to it …. No… where was I? My voice was reverberating in the cubiculum, plucking that harp cord which gave a slightly higher note than that of the day before. I blinked and neatly saw my everyday surroundings. “Well… at least it hasn’t been such a traumatic experience!”

During the next days, as usual, I was visited by Marcia, Portia and Cornelia, who, with resignation, told me about that predictable speech which Antonius had delivered in front of still smoking remainders of what had been Bellona’s temple and how he had captivated all the people who crowded the surroundings.

–Well…He is no more than one more of their gang, Demagogy, you know, is contagious…A sort of invisible stream that starts flowing through Clodius, then Curio…and finally Marcus…

They stared at me, absorbed rather than silent. In their puzzlement they had noticed how my voice had been growing tinged with some rare undertones…Warm, even melodious, in sundry shades…multicoloured… Full moon had already flooded the cypresses and pines in the peristylium with its fertile light. Unlike what I had expected, the following steps of that learning –should I call it so? - did not mean any risky personal tribute. From the moment I started practising with topaz, I felt that this salty flow which used to take hold of my mind remained peaceful and while my voice and the notes from the harp were merging into a stream, some kind of serene deep consciousness through that yellow sparkle possessed me, not through clear-cut, well-defined images but through the certainty that I was really wise and had the power… or that at least I started to be like that. I kept watching that awareness of my own ability till the blackbirds renewed their daily dialogue one hour before dawn. And the next dusk, through jade and those notes which were becoming a little bit brighter, in my voice I discovered all that shaped my feelings, my ability to quiver, that immaterial beating which was parallel to that of my blood… and the following nights, while the womb of the moon was waxing, that potential Calpurnia who had lived by my side since I was begotten started showing herself. Finally, the day which was ruled by a plentiful, huge, pale purple moon…my amethysts became a sort of corpse whose slight transparency only partly invoked that dazzling life-generating force which had begotten the inner self of that one whose motherly, almost sibyl-like voice had reverberated within myself for a long time, and also the nature of those primeval beings who shared her nature…. And mine… That fruitful enlightening power which, depending on the place and time, could be called Tanit, Isis…. Ishtar…Tellus… Artemis… Keridwenn …. Rhiannon… Bona Dea…Magna Mater…. My voice was slipping off my fingers, which plucked the last string of my harp, ascending towards the perfume of those pines which had just been fruitful with ivory-like light … Were they shafts of amber-like, crimson, emerald-like, purple, iridescent force which, like immense birds, were fading away beyond that ruthlessly black sky sheltering Palatine Hill ….? It could have been real, the fact that my notes, like some energy beyond my fleshy self, would make me hover all over Rome, transcending it, ascending towards spheres beyond what’s tangible, strip myself from its topaz, sapphire or ruby sparkling and then, reduced to the nakedness of this most subtle harmony, merge into that invisible flow that has lived forever…? No, I couldn’t let myself be taken away …. No, you are no shadow which has been engulfed by that force of being lying beyond our understanding … You are a real woman who must… assert her own pride? Keep her man?

And a solid Calpurnia had sprung up, with a voice that had been modulated by rites… Calpurnia?... Am I still Calpurnilla? Marcia and Portia are discreetly looking at each other, puzzled by my intense sparkling eyes and the way my movements have become so paused and measured. Oh, Gods…I am intimidating them…. Is this the price to pay?