CHAPTER XI

XI

Calpurnia….Calpurnia, Calpurnilla…After you had left me once again in order to fight Magnus, Cornelia increased the frequency of her visits… Calpurnia….Calpurnia…. That thin, blue-lined hand –perhaps similar to her father’s – touched my undone hair, scattered on my pillow, trying to play the role of that missing mother figure...Calpurnia, Calpurnilla…That was the silent echo of that wordless moan, reverberating on the rocks of the cave, fused with that sparkle of amber and emerald, of sea and dawn, lethargic, oracle-like voice.

–Calpurnia? Why are you looking at me that way, my little one?

Perhaps I was discovering another look in that intense aquamarine-like one… but more ancient, not simply ageing.

–My little one, I see that, once again, he has left you without any hopes … How much longer must you still wait? We poor women destined to the games of alliances, seeing ourselves cloistered, deprived of our men…unless you behave like that other sort of ladies…

She realized that Servilia had sprung up among my thoughts.

–No, by all the Gods, I am not trying to convince you to do what you may be thinking about.. Your husband would immediately have news about it: you know that even if he didn’t have all these mercenary eyes throughout Domus Publica, hovering over each step you may take, he would eventually notice it in your own body when he returned….Calpurnilla.

“Your mother, my lady…and mine … Both of them taken away from our lives… Both of them merged into the Great Fertilizer.”.

–Cornelia. Do you know… have you got any idea about how your father’s mother disappeared?

She watched me. But she did not really see me. Her aquamarine eyes looked uncanny.

–You know what my father was like…

She lowered her eyes, nervously blinking, begging for silence.

– I would have enjoyed a … more homely family…

She discreetly turned her back on me. Her silence wanted to spare me the fact of being the witness of some barren tears for that brutal destiny of hers that had ruthlessly deprived her of a comforting fatherly embrace in her teen years, apart from inflicting several stepmothers on herself. Nevertheless, I think she still has a rapport to Valeria.

– Cornelia…..–I finally said in confusion. –Why don’t you bring Valeria one of these days?

She turned back, frowning with puzzlement. I could not say if it was due to disapproval or confusion.

–You know, I never had the pleasure to meet her. Aurelia once informed me that she had returned to Rome after being absent for many years.

–Yes, after my father‘s death, she was bound to be included in that doomed list –so to call it – that his enemies had made. Later on, as years went by, aware that she might be no longer remembered, she thought it fitting to come back here, her birthplace and her family’s. She belongs here and nowhere else. Frankly speaking, it was unthinkable that I could consider her a mother, due to her age – younger than me – and having lived far from her all the time. Don’t worry, Calpurnia. As soon as I see her again, I will let her know about your interest in meeting her…

I thought I might be discovering some insistence while pronouncing that last word, something that came to my mind when, a few nundina later, she came with Valeria, who still kept the bearing and beauty which had even infatuated ageing Sulla into marrying her . Behind her kindness and that overwhelming politeness with which she thanked my interest in her, I saw some sort of cautiousness which restrained her spontaneity, even in those moments when it is fully allowed. No doubt Cornelia must have warned Valeria about my interest in her. It was impossible that they might know any of the things you had revealed to me that night. I asked her about her sons, Sulla’s offspring. I suddenly remembered something that you had once told me –or perhaps it had been Aurelia –that, unlike what could be expected, none of them had inherited their father’s icy look or that fascination that sprang up from him .Damn it! How on earth could I gain her confidence so that I would find out what was underlying hidden to me, the real face of that man who had returned from Western Asia to march over Rome and whose physical appearance had nothing to do with that Apollo who had become a consul after such a late unprecedented career… I resisted myself to imagine that a beautiful patrician lady might feel such a passion for a broken ageing man in the last years of his life, no matter how powerful he had grown. Then I thought that Valeria’s seemly mistrust would be due to Sulla’s warning against you –“There are too many Marii within this young man”. –and, therefore, this had certainly made her mistrust me . Maybe if I knew how to show her some warm sincere friendliness she would collaborate…However, I realized that Cornelia had noticed it. This was a serious obstacle: if she truly intends to hide something away, she will do her best to prevent Valeria. Why should you have aroused my curiosity, my husband? This had led me to a state of mild anxiety, increased by the frustration of that late hope of fruitfulness. Yes, the solution was this…

–Cornelia… I’d like to know if Blodwynn is still at home…. Could you ask her what remedy should I try in order to ease my state of mind, this anxiety born of …. You know what.

She well knew about it. Like any other woman, she was quite aware that, should I have been offered a fair divorce agreement to make up my life, I would never have accepted it. In the afternoon of the day after, covered with a mantle that hid that beautiful mass of sunset-coloured braids, Blodwynn let herself be seen again in Domus Publica, in the triclinium destined to Pontifex Maximus’ wife. I saw that it was not a simple brewing of tile and camomile flowers what she was about to made me drink. I knew that I had to use all my serenity and cunning. Not in vain this was something that I would not dare sharing with my Portia and Marcia. I felt willing to save my secret within myself! Maybe forever…For this reason all of it had been carefully studied for two days, including that restless night on my lectus .For the first time after so many years being controlled by Aurelia’s shadow or my friends’ confidentiality , I was going to face it with no human help , except that of a woman who I hardly knew.

–Blodwynn ….

Those piercing eyes, so like sunset sea, had understood my pause and were merging into my trembling eyelashes.

–Blodwynn. I don’t know if you might agree to this deal … I promise you not to disclose it to any living man or woman. You also know that my husband is also bound to become a most powerful man. Even a king in pectore. No, no, it is something beyond his will. I quite know that. This could guarantee you an immense influence in Rome. I mean that he might be able to let you erect temples in honour of the diverse faces of the Goddess. Yes, it is obvious that they wouldn’t be openly dedicated to your deities. Neither my lord nor the Senate would consent on that, apart from the fact that, as far as I know, you worship supernatural forces that cannot be venerated indoors. But they can be honoured in certain places that would apparently be consecrated to their Roman peers, where there could be a cella or a cave in which you could worship those supernatural forces which channel earth fertility and everything that flows, grows and breathes on it, like ….

I stopped my speech so as to prevent myself from being imprudent and unwise.

– …. Like Goddess Ishtar-Astarte’s ancient cult, which is masked through Venus Marina’s temple in Gades. Being a Roman patrician lady, you are incredibly knowledgeable on our wisdom. I think you are being sincere. This is an intelligent idea. You will probably know that there are many Roman noble ladies who, driven by their interest in increasing their fertility and skills to satisfy their husbands’ primary needs, are also attracted to the lore that has been treasured by our race for ages. Something that they have to keep secret due to…the view about our priests and wise women that your lord is spreading all over the town through his chronicles on Transalpine Gaul. Even the Great Lady may be grateful for the zeal you devote to your work and ….she might even quicken your womb so that in its due time it should be successfully fertilized

Blodwynn’s enigmatically ravishing smile brightened up my mood. I knew she would also keep my secret: it was inside that deal, so enticing for Blodwynn herself and the interests of her own culture. The important hidden role of the Great Mother in New Alexander’s Rome.

–My lady Blodwynn …

Why should I adopt such a respectful tone? I should not show such an…. overwhelming acquiescence.

–I know…all this lively dream that I happened to have that night may be no more than that. I want to meet that wise man again. Yes, I know this is too bold of me, the fact of aiming at such a training as yours as a priestess. Someone who, after so many years –maybe a lifetime– of training through fasting, concentration, is able to watch the isolation of her own spirit and the development of some unique capacities not all women have…

I suddenly discovered some kind of startled, even alarmed frown among those indigo blue eyes. In them I saw the reflection of my own amazement in front of all that I was saying beyond my awareness…How could it be possible? Calpurnilla, my little one ….that female motherly sibyl-like echo of that frustrated fertility gnawing my lower belly…“Calpurnia, my child”…. Blodwynnn held me slightly, her comforting hand on mine.

–My lady Calpurnia. Do not worry. What… would you like of him that I cannot do for you?

What could I say? I didn’t feel able to tell her anything convincing. What did I really want to find about him…Perhaps a healer…a healer for my painful shattered soul. A substitute…of her father? I knew she had found the answer in my gesture, inside that plea which was overflowing my eyelashes.

–Lady Calpurnia …Are you determined to assume what you are going to face? May your spirit feel strong enough to face the traces that all of this may leave on you?

She was obviously conscious, like any other non-initiated person, of all my loneliness, my awareness about how small, limited frustrated I felt…No doubt it was something irrational of me but I felt angrily compelled to do it. I knew there was no way back. Might it be that old wise figure, the one who was calling me in an imperceptible way

which non initiated ones could hardly understand? Then they came to my mind, those verses you know so well…. alea jacta est…. Let the dice fly high

–Lady Blodwynn….Perhaps my mood could find a way out regarding what I mean to do…I may learn how to surpass my barriers

I could not specify what was shaking my entrails. But she was there, reading it all crystal-clear .She was watching YOU…and, by your side, that female force, wise, gifted with some kind of intense arcane power, in which, at first sight, you would not notice that base childish little person, whose ruthlessness was linked to her extreme immaturity. But Blodwynn had also seen something else..my own humiliation. Ravishing, able to destroy me. My own barren nature could be used for the subtlest, most devastating vexation… All right, Calpurnia….. There is no way back